Opinion » Note

It's Your Turn

And don't forget to take a change of undershorts, Dick


Just a reminder, in case you'd forgotten: Between 1936 and 1939, approximately 2,800 Americans traveled to Spain to fight in that country's civil war. They were known as the Abraham Lincoln Brigade and they rightly recognized the rebellious leader, Gen. Francisco Franco, as another deposit of the fascist filth that had soiled so much of Europe in the years leading up to World War II. When fighting erupted between Franco's right-wing revolutionaries and the Spanish Republic, they voluntarily put themselves on the battle lines to defend the democratic Republic. Up to 800 of them died in combat there, in what would prove to be a lost cause. Despite Franco's brutality to his own people, he stayed out of the greater war that was coming and held onto absolute power for more than 30 years.

I bring this up at this particular time not to emphasize the futility of war--which I fear is far more often the rule than the exception--but to remind some of our intervention-hungry fellow Americans that, were they to pull on their combat boots and sail off to take part in another country's civil war, there is precedent.

And frankly, since the individuals I have in mind for this glorious mission were instrumental in creating the conditions that led to the particular civil war I'm referring to, it seems not merely the brave thing to do that they should go put themselves on the battle lines, but that it's the only thing the bastards could do that might redeem themselves for what they did in the first place.

Are you listening, Cheney? This may be your last chance to prove you are anything but a manipulating sack of rancid crap whose entire legacy has been built on lies and deception, greed and lust for power. This may be your only opportunity to wipe the stain of cowardice and corruption from your record, to atone for your intense and studied avoidance of another futile war you supported when you were young enough to be in it, and to take responsibility for the chaos and carnage you unleashed when you whispered those sweet nothings into the simian ear of your ersatz Commander-in-Chief. Remember?

They have WMDs, George.

The smoking gun could be a mushroom cloud, George. They will greet us as liberators, George.

The war will pay for itself, George.

All you have to do to make up for your despicable self is to get to Baghdad, pick up one of those surplus AK-47s that seem to be as ubiquitous in Iraq as burnt out Humvees and non-functioning utilities, and wait until you see the whites of their eyes. After all, that is what you expected of the men who went to Vietnam in your stead, isn't it? It is what you expected of the men and women you sent to Iraq--even though as we now know, there wasn't a single good reason for them to go there.

That is what men like you always expect of the soldiers you send into battle to defend the interests of yourself and your cronies, all while you sit on your backside back home, blowing your views on foreign policy out of your fat ass. You've been so good at getting American boots on so many foreign grounds over the years, it just seems right that you should get a taste of the experience before your pacemaker blinks out for good.

Oh, and I've prepared a list of people you can take with you. First of all, your pal George. Let's see if he looks as smug carrying around 90 pounds of gear on his back as he did in that phony flight suit. Mission accomplished, George.

Then of course there's "Stuff Happens" Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz, Rice and Bremer... in fact why don't you just gather up that whole neocon crowd and fit them for desert wear? William Crystal, for instance. I can't for the life of me see that he's ever done anything worthwhile here at home. So maybe when he sees a truckload of those Isis killers coming at him, he'll say something that actually turns out to be true.

And for God's sake, take McCain with you. That whiny little pest is so deranged over losing to Obama, he can't stop himself from perpetually reminding us how grateful we are he lost. And don't forget his sidekick Lindsey Graham, another creep with an obsessive compulsion to keep our troops humping from one quagmire to the next.

And Romney. Four decades ago, he took the same I'm-too-special-to-go-to-Nam approach as you, yet he still feels entitled to criticize Obama for ending our occupation of that neverending sectarian shithole. How about you put Mitt in the same foxhole with you?

As to what you might call yourselves, I suggest the "Pottery Barn Brigade," and your motto: We broke it, so let's go break whatever the hell's left.

Or... you could accomplish much the same thing--partial redemption--by admitting to your countrymen and the world--face to face, here and now--how you and rest of that nest of vipers who led us down the rabbit hole of national disgrace were all wrong; that the invasion of Iraq was unjustified and predicated on lies; that it was your combined arrogance that has led to this inevitable disintegration of Iraq--an outcome that was predicted by far better and far smarter people than you; and that those who call you war criminals are right--that in fact, you should face justice for more than 100,000 meaningless deaths.

Ah, but that would take courage that you've never had, Dick, and that America should never expect from you. Nor, as is obvious now, can we ever expect the decency from you of simply shutting your goddamned rotten mouth.