Opinion » Bill Cope

Give 'Em Heck, Howard!

The Mean Doc Dean Method to a healthier U.S.A.


Oh, dear me. Oh, be still my trembling heart. Oh, will this nightmare never end? Oh, golly. Once again, nice Democrats across the land feel like they have to do a bow-and-shuffle for something party chair Howard Dean said. Oh gosh, how could he have uttered something so not 100 percent accurate? How, oh how, could he have said the GOP is "pretty much a white Christian party?" And now, me being such a nice Democrat and all, I feel obliged to explain what Mister Dean meant. Goodness gracious no, he didn't mean the GOP is pretty much a party of Christian white people. Not at all! Oh, gosh a'mighty, no! If I may be allowed a word here, I think I can clear this up. What Mister Dean meant to say wasn't that Republicans are pretty much a party of white Christian people. No mammy, what Dean meant to say is that the Republicans are pretty much a party of white Christian fat people. Seriously, have you noticed the crowds at those orchestrated Bush rallies? Looks like Orientation Day at the Jenny Craig factory.

Oh, and when Dean said there are many Republicans who "never made an honest living," what he really meant to say is, "Many Republicans never made an honest living ... unless you count hoodwinking tubby white evangelical dimwits as an honest living!"

There, isn't that better? And thanks for giving me the opportunity to straighten all this out.

I didn't fool you for a second, did I? I'm not nice at all, am I? In fact, sometimes I go out of my way to be not nice. And we all know why, don't we? Because as the right-wing collective has proven so conclusively, the more unpleasantly one behaves in the modern American political discussion, the more attention one gets. And in a country where 1-measly-percent of the electorate can swing a presidential election one way or the other, attention translates into a winning margin, even if that one percent is the most unreflective gaggle of self-abusers to ever waddle their way into a polling booth.

Personally, as a good Democrat if not a nice one, I'm happier than an Al Franken birthday bash that we have at our helm a guy who understands the true nature of the game. After years of watching Nerf-ball champs like Joes Biden and Lieberman (and yes ... even Bill Clinton) forever trying to calm the partisan waters that Republicans are forever disturbing, we now have a scrapper who doesn't turn to pudding every time he gets caught saying what he truly thinks.

But mild-mannered Democrats may still be confused as to why we need a pit bull to lead our party when many would prefer a poodle. I understand their trepidation because it's true: The political debate shouldn't sound like a squabble of snotty bloggers. But then, Republicans shouldn't have allowed a gang of corporate crypto-fascist criminals to take over their party, either. As far as this not-so-mild-mannered Democrat is concerned, Dean is only responding in a reasonable and proper tone to a power-hungry monster whose method is to utterly destroy all opposition, and then kick the corpses when they run out of fresh meat.

Consider, if you will, who's leading the charge for the Republican Reich. And believe me, I'm not talking about office-holding puffballs like Dennis Hastert or Bill Frist-stuffed suits who can barely understand what they're saying themselves, let alone convey a coherent message to the nation. Nor do I mean the more rabid dogs like Tom DeLay. Even Republicans have the good sense to keep a slathering little orc like DeLay out of the public eye as much as possible.

And it's not those administration figures like Rice, Rumsfeld or Cheney. Reality just won't give them a break, will it? Every thing they say in a Sunday morning interview is proven to be just another damnable lie by the end of the week.

And I'm certainly not talking about Bush, the most inarticulate ape to ever pre-empt prime time for a meaningless press conference. You can't even make up crud as convolutedly stupid as those Bushy nuggets. Good God, everything that comes out of his mouth ends up in a joke book.

No, when the Rove Regime wants America to think something, they pass it on to the likes of Limbaugh, O'Reilly, Armstrong Williams and Baby Face Hannity, Tucker Carlson and Bob Novak and Joe Scarborough ... you know, the whole right-wing lynch mob, which exists solely for the purpose of making the opposition look like enemies and thoughtful Americans look like freaks.

These hyenas can get away with saying virtually anything that crosses their little hyena minds. "Liberals are always against America. They are either traitors or idiots," says Ann Coulter, and earns herself a Time magazine cover for such repugnant drivel. Michael Savage calls the grand tradition of liberalism a "mental illness," and becomes one of the top radio personalities for the feeble-minded talk show addicts.

But do the leaders of their party object to such inflammatory slop? Are the leaders of their party concerned that such vitriolic rhetoric is unhealthy-dangerous to a functioning democracy and civil society? Do the leaders of their party demand apologies from such frothing lunatic Nazi retards?

Of course not. But when Howard Dean points out the obvious, that "Republicans are mean and nasty people," they go sensitive schoolboy on us and want him to take it back.

Screw 'em. The right called the duel, named the weapons and came up with the rules. Now let them lose fair and square.

It is of little consequence that a misinformation maestro like Bob Novak says, "Howard Dean is a disaster for the Democratic Party." It's like a gonorrhea germ saying that penicillin is harmful to the infected host.

But when Senator Biden and other familiar Democratic faces start fainting away from the Dean Remedy as though they can't stomach harsh words, I suggest they pull their milquetoast heads out of their comfortably blue-state butts. Dean was elected as party leader not because he was like Joe Biden or Joe Leiberman-mild enough for Republicans to pet now and then-but because he has a backbone. Because he gets said what's on everyone else's mind, and doesn't run for cover when the nasties don't like it.

And by the way, Joe ... it seems to be working. With every new supposedly unguarded comment, Dean shows up on more television sets than the rest of Democratdom put together. And believe me, we will never stop these savages by sitting in the corner with our fingers crossed.