Opinion » Bill Cope

G.A.G. On Nuptials

Cope says "I Don't"


This is the Copes. We're not here right now, so tell us what you want, and we'll decide whether to call you back or not. BEEP!

I'm trying to reach Bill Cope. Pick up if you're there, Mr. Cope. Please ... um ... please please ... um ... well ... OK. Hi, Bill. It's Carol Dee O'Mealy. H.R. director of the G.A.G. Media Group. Remember? And before I get to why I called, I need to apologize for confusing you with Willy Oope last year. The whole mix-up seems to have happened because of a smear on a computer screen which we think was A-1 Steak Sauce. Whatever it was made the "C" in "Cope" look like an "O." You'll be happy to know we now have a policy that prohibits employees from eating finger steaks at their desks.

And as to you finding Willy Oope for us, it's fine you took the initiative to do that, though I would have preferred that you told me how to find him, rather than telling him how to find me. Some of my coworkers have said you did us no favors by encouraging him to come here and ... as Willy put it ... "look me up." But I'm content to call the entire affair water under the bridge, even though I am still getting calls from him and always from a bar. I have directed the receptionist to tell him I've joined Mothers Against Drunken Discussions and am therefore prohibited from talking to him until he's sobered up. Which I don't expect to happen any time soon, do you? But that's not why I'm c ... BEEP!

It's me again. Guess I need to talk faster. The reason I'm calling you, Bill, is because yesterday, at our weekly departmental heads planning/budget meeting, Gorman Armstrong Gluppers, himself, showed up unannounced and asked who we had in London covering the wedding. As I'm sure you know, Mr. Gluppers founded this company and is our CEO, so you can imagine what an imposing figure he can be. Especially when he shows up unannounced at a weekly departmental heads planning/budget meeting.

And to make matters worse, we have nobody in London covering the wedding! There is plenty of fault to go around. I thought surely either our general manager or the news director was handling it, and our ND thought the GM had made arrangements, the GM thought the ND was doing it, and so it went. We learned after the meeting that our regular anchorman had heard a rumor that our weekend anchorwoman would be Skyping from the royal processional and was furious he was being left out, which explains why he has called in sick for 12 days in a row. At any rate, we have no one in London for the event, and Mr. Gluppers is adamant that we either have someone there, or ... in his words ... "heads will roll!" It was my idea that we look out ... BEEP!

Sorry, but I have to get this said. It was my idea that we look outside our regular stable of reporters for this assignment, since everyone in our regular stable has worked in broadcasting less than a month and is still struggling with words like "Kuna" and "Weiser." I shudder to think what they would do with "trousseau" and "Balmoral." I realize this is short notice, seeing as how the wedding is two days away, but would you please consider flying over there and reporting for us? Puh-leeese? All expenses will be provided, eventually, and we would send with you one of those Internet cameras that you can just set on a wall or a tree stump, and then you just stand in front of it and talk away.

I also have some ideas for angles you might take that are probably not going to be looked into by other news sources. For instance, I'm pretty sure we can get you an appointment with Kate's dentist, and while he's scraping off your tartar, you could find out if she's ever had braces. Or William's sperm count? Who else is going to cover that aspect? And of course, we would expect you to search out anyone there from Boise and ask what they think of it all.

I'll be honest with you, Mr. Cope. You were not my first choice. But unfortunately, Coach Pete said he had some spring training to get to, and Lori Otter said she would have done it had she not been second choice after Coach Pete. So it's down to you, Bill. I don't mind telling you, I am a little desper ... BEEP!

You have reached the office of Carol Dee O'Mealy, H.R. director of the G.A.G. Media Group, Southwest Idaho Division. I am not available at the moment, so leave your name and number and I will get back to you as soon as possible. BEEP!

Hey Carol Dee. This is Cope, returning your call. And before I forget, have you signed the Luna recall petition yet? If you don't know how to do it, go to recalltomluna.org. And make sure to get your Hancock on the referendum petition, too, at rejectthelunalaws.com.

Now, about that wedding. Sorry, but I'm going to pass. I'm just not much of a wedding guy, C.D., and you need someone who likes those damn things. Last one I went to ate up a whole Saturday afternoon and put me out $50 for an engraved fondue pot. Then it ended in a nasty divorce less than two years later.

Besides, I don't quite get this whole icky obsession Americans have with British royalty. I thought that's what we ... aw, never mind. I just pulled that classic boner of putting "Americans" and "historical perspective" in the same thought stream.

By the way, Carol Dee, If you find someone to go, I have another angle he could explore. Have you heard the theory that one of Queen Victoria's grandkids was Jack the Ripper? Yeah, Prince Albert Victor. That would be William's great, great ... BEEP!