Ringaringaring: Hello. This is the Cope residence. At present, there is not a Cope in the house to answer the phone. So you are out of luck unless you wish to leave a message, after which I will play it back and decide then whether or not I should have picked up while you were still on the line. BEEP!
Mr. Cope, this is Alanah Bronahnah. Director of the "Trending Now Troop" of G.A.G Media, remember? Sorry to bother you at home, but this is an emergency. I must have the wrong email as I have been trying to reach you online with no reply. Is bcope@takeaflyingf***.org still active, or have you changed it?
But it's too late for that now, anyway. I have to have an answer by Monday morning or my career at G.A.G is toast. See, yesterday morning at our regular meeting of department heads and miscellaneous Vice Presidents, none other than Gorman Armstrong Gluppers, Junior, himself, stormed in and informed us he had just acquired the rights to the word "BLITZ" for the period running from the last game played by the BSU Broncos... whether that happens to be a regular season game or one of those bowl thingies they get into now and then... to the first week in August, when the word goes back into the exclusive domain of The Idaho Statesman. As I'm sure you know, Mr. Gluppers is the current CEO of G.A.G. Media ever since his father, Gorman Armstrong Gluppers, Senior, was lost in that incident with the bulls in Pamplona two years a... BEEP!
Ringaringaring: I'll talk faster this time. See, Mr. Gluppers really, really likes the word "BLITZ," and when he found out it was available for approximately seven months every year... specifically, those months the Statesman isn't using it to describe whatever the Broncos are up to... he instructed the G.A.G legal team to snatch up the rights so that we, and only we, can use it for our own purposes. That's why he showed up at our meeting, to tell us we had until Monday to get the word... as he put it... "infused" into G.A.G programming from top to bottom, or he would find people who could. Honestly, I'm not sure what he likes so much about that word. Between you and me, I think it's ugly. I had a roommate in school who would go on and on about how "blitzed" she'd gotten at some party or other. Every weekend, all weekend, it was "I was so freaking blitzed, I don't even know how I got home!" Can you imagine? I was hoping I'd never hear that word ag... BEEP!
Ringaringaring: So guess who got it all unloaded on her. Uh-huh. That's right. Me! That's what I get for being the newest employee in the room, huh? It happened so quick I didn't even know what was going on until that stinker Larry O'Clarry... he's our Vice President of Content Marketing... he turns to me and says, "Well, Miss Bronahnah. I guess you know what we'll expect out of your Trending Now Troop. And you'd better make it quick. Gorman Gluppers does not like to be kept waiting."
Trouble is, there's only three of us in the Trending Now Troop, and Jimmy's on paternity leave for six weeks and V.J. isn't good under pressure. As soon as I told him what we were up against, he started crying and sending out resumes to every government agency he could think of. Other than that, it's just me and the intern Kayla, and all Kayla could think of was that we turn our regular KGAGNews@5&10 shows into KGAG-BLITZ!@5&10. Which is OK I guess, only Larry O'Clarry indicated I'd probably need to come up with at least 30 uses of "BLITZ" a day if I wanted to keep my... BEEP!
Ringaringaring: Please can you help, Mr. Cope? I am frantic. Our entire KGAG programming schedule for a typical day amounts to eight hours of infomercials, one hour of local news, and the rest is either syndicated talk shows or reruns of COPS and Everyone Loves Raymond. How do I get "BLITZ" in there 30 times? Gad, I think I'm going to throw up. Please, do you have any ideas? Please please pleeeeeeeze.
Tinkletinkletinkle: This is Alanah Bronahnah, Director of the Trending Now Troop of the G.A.G. Media Group. Leave a message and I will get back to you. CHIRP!
Alanah, this is Cope returning your calls. Relax, girl, I got you covered. First of all, if you decide to go with that KGAG-BLITZ!@5&10 idea, get yourself one of those printed backdrops like they use at press conferences for sports teams and political events. Only instead of reading "Bronco Nation" or "C-PAC" you plaster "KGAG-BLITZ!" all over it. Get what I mean? It'd be like wallpaper with the same thing repeated.
Secondly, about half of all the commercials you run on that station are promos for what's coming on next, right? So instead of saying "Stay with KGAG for six straight episodes of Everyone Loves Raymond," you say "Stay with KGAG for the Everyone Loves Raymond BLITZ!"
Then you can announce how Dr. Phil will BLITZ another negligent dad at 3 p.m. this afternoon, or Ellen will be BLITZing out some dance moves at 4 p.m. Then Emeril Lagasse will be cooking up a Barbacoa fajita BLITZ with Rachael Ray. And of course, during those infomercials, you could just run a tape loop that blurts out "BLITZ" every 30 seconds. It's like... who's going to be listening, any... Chirp!