Attn: Bill Cope
The G.A.G. Media Group will soon be bringing an exciting new concept in local television programming to the Boise market. Along with presenting a full compliment of the most terrific family-oriented programming available in syndication (i.e. hilarious sit-coms hot from the archives and thought-provoking dramas such as Touched by an Angel, as well as a generous share of informative home-shopping opportunities), KGAG management is assembling a cutting-edge news team which will be, unquestionably, the absolute perkiest Southwest Idaho has ever seen. To entice viewers to our hard-hitting news slots (tentatively scheduled to run a full 30 minutes, twice a day), our gritty video journalists will leave those tedious city council decisions, Congressional delegation reports, political scandals and corruption updates to the "old school" news organizations. Instead, we will focus exclusively on what vibrant, active Idahoans really want to see-adorable children who miss their National Guardsmen dads in Iraq. Or moms, if that be the case. Obviously, should a local individual be accepted on American Idol or Fear Factor, be assured we will assign him or her their own 24/7 news bureau. But essentially, our mission is to showcase all the heart-warming and endearing ramifications the Global War on Terror is having on the Treasure Valley scene.
As to why we have contacted you, Mr. Cope, we have been advised that a dash of dissension might enhance our news viewership, and your name has come up for consideration. What we envision is a 90-second segment, once a month, in which you-if selected-would present a "unique" perspective, preferably in a somewhat humorous vein-though we must step carefully through the witty parts. As you surely know, there is nothing funny about school children gathering candy bars for Baghdad or Arabic widows coming to America for charity orthodontic work, so if you could restrict whatever comical urges you feel to less contentious matters (i.e. baby ducks trapped in a storm drain or eccentric cowboy types who sculpt grizzly bears from logs with a chain saw) we are certain there will be no need for further stipulations or consultations with our attorneys.
Think of this as an Andy Rooney-ish opportunity, Mr. Cope, only without all the griping. If you are interested, we ask that you submit a written example of the sort of thing you might say. It should run no more than 180 words, which would come out to two words a second on video if recited at a soothing pace. For this "audition," we suggest you speak to the issue of the Mid-Eastern tour Laura Bush recently took in which she showed Arab females the benefits of being a tastefully modern Methodist lady. This subject might not be as "controversial" as you are accustomed to, seeing as how everyone adores Mrs. Bush, no matter their political failings, but your submission would demonstrate to our corporate offices just how well you can express your "unique" perspective on all the wonderful, happy events that will give us our edge over the competition.
Hope to hear from you ASAP, signed: Claudia Sarton-O'Malley, personnel director/certified weekend climatologist, KGAG
Dear Ms. Sarton-O'Malley,
Holy Cow! Me? On teevee? You bet I'm interested! Thanks for the job op, and don't worry about what I'd wear. I have a suit and a sports jacket!
OK, here's what I'd say about Laura Bush's Middle-East trip. I'd start out serious, see? Think Tim Russert-ish. Then I'd heat things up as I went along. Sort of build it, know what I mean? And I'll be flopping my hands around like a vinyl siding salesman so's I have that "presence" stuff. OK, here goes:
"And here's the way it is, Mr. and Mrs. America. Iraq is coming apart at the sectarian seams, Afghanistan is a joke with no foreseeable punch line, everything we do manages to lose us more soldiers and enrage the Islamic world even further, and George Bush's approval ratings are sinking like so much raw sewage. And what does this administration do to divert America's pliable attentions away from the complete and utter failure of its pathetic foreign policy? It sends the Desperate First Wife out on a Middle-East Oprah tour.
"Admittedly, she's more qualified to be a goodwill ambassador than John Bolton is for that other ambassador gig, and it's true, she's the only one left in the whole Bush crowd that hasn't proven herself too obnoxious for decent company, but let us be clear what the heretofore unheard-from Lady Bush's trip was meant to accomplish, good citizens. Contrary to the way our suck-up media simps have portrayed the event, she wasn't sent there to woo Arab damsels to the female empowerment side, nor was her mission to show fundamentalist imams how misguided they have been in keeping their womenfolk down on the farm. Face it, if the Bush administration were truly interested in tempering Muslim opinion, they would stop bombing Muslim cities, torturing Muslim sons and occupying Muslim lands.
"Make no mistake, Laura's little junket was for your eyes, confused patriots. Like all those treacle-dipped news nuggets of soldiers coming home to their families and Girl Scouts conducting Christmas card drives for the troops, her desert fling was simply another sappy act in the Cirque de Bush, a pervasive PR putsch to assure the home front that something good is going on over there ... in spite of the cost, the criminality and the casualty figures ... and that her husband should not be dragged from the White House by his heels for the unnecessary deaths of over 1,600 of our neighbors.
"But believe me, Bush believers, outside of your own cozy little circles this is merely thick frosting on a camel dung cake, and it's not fooling anyone but you. For the rest of the world, there have been too many Abu Graibs, too many Gitmos, too many innocents crushed beneath too much power, and while the gullible are goo-gooing over a woman who's highest accomplishment is that she can pronounce words her husband can't, the other side of the ocean is digesting a British memo which proves the perfidy that got us there. Now listen, if Laura really wanted to make the world be a better place, I suggest she turn state's evidence and help us put her hubby in prison where he belongs!"
There. How was that? I went a little long, I know, but I can talk pretty fast when I'm excited. Let me know if I didn't get the job so's I won't waste money on a haircut.