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Fore Tales

Nostril Bill's Spuds & Duds for 2011


"Nostril Bill" is the name I assume when I peer into the future and tell what I see. It comes from a time when a drunken acquaintance was rambling on about the famous 16th century seer Nostradamus, whom he slurringly called "Nostril Damus." I stole the "Nostril" and never looked back.

It has been four years since Nostril Bill did any prognosticating, due in large part to my involvement in the Spuds and Duds issue, BW's recap of a past year's notable news. As it happens, the end of a year is also when soothsayers get 90 percent of their work, as non-soothsayers are always curious what the new year will bring. Had I not been slogging away at "Spuds and Duds," Nostril Bill would have been divining up a storm, I assure you. But alas, one cannot peer into the future and the past at the same time--not without risking one hell of a headache.

Yet I have missed predicting the future. I'm not saying I'm great at it, but then, who is? And I have figured out a way to complete my duties to the Spuds and Duds continuum and get in a few rounds of prophecizing, simply by delaying the 2011 predictions a week. To make the transition smoother, I am continuing with the "Spud" or "Dud" designations to indicate how I will rate those events when they do unfold. You may or may not agree with how I prejudge any particular and not-yet-transpired histories, but without even trying hard, Nostril Bill can foresee he won't give a damn what you think, whenever you think it.

George W. Bush will release his second autobiography in as many years, having forgotten he hired two ghost writers in case one of them didn't work out.

A new, hugely popular competition series will make its debut during the summer. It will be called So You Think You Can Dance Better Than a Fifth Grader. This time, Bristol wins.

Alex Rodriguez, better known as "A-Rod," will be caught texting pictures of a penis to an attractive female sportscaster. Funny thing, the genital in question will turn out to belong to Derek Jeter.

In February, House Speaker John Boehner will be applauded for leading mankind beyond the archaic attitude that real men don't blubber up like gin-house boobs and slobbersob all over themselves during interviews. Closet bawlers from the rocky shores of Maine to the muscle beaches of Southern Cal rejoice that they can now, with Boehner's lead, crank up those tear ducts in public without being called "girly men." However, by summer, everyone is sick of seeing grown men cry. The call goes out to all girly men, "Pull yourself together, dude!" and Boehner is stripped of his speaker position on CSPAN. It takes him almost an hour to dry his eyes and say something coherent.

Mid-summer, Mitt Romney will renounce his Mormon faith on the steps of the Iowa Capitol, and then deny it has anything to do with whether he intends to run for president, saying, "I have yet to consult with my bish ... er, uh, minister on that matter."

On Sarah Palin's Alaska, Sarah Palin will go hunting with ex-Vice President Dick Cheney. All of America will watch, curious to see who returns to Wasilla tied over the fender of the limousine.

Once again, Gov. C.L. "Butch" Otter will try to cut all state funding to Idaho Public Television, and once again, the resulting furor will lead to a compromise. IdahoPTV will stay on the air, but from then on it will have to show Blue Collar Comedy Tour during festival week.

William marries Kate but not precisely as planned. The wedding had been set for April, but by mid-January, Kate is showing a tad more tummy than one would expect in a royal wedding. A secret MI-5 sonogram reveals that twins are on the way. It seems the Anglican prince was playing a bit of Vatican roulette and lost. By February, the union is complete. The Queen's spokesman, Lord Twittlebom, will explain to the public that the couple chose to enter marriage in a more private manner--specifically, in a four-minute ceremony in one of those cash-up-front wedding chapels in Brighton. In July, the world is introduced to little Henry IX and Henry X.

In late November, Fox News will release the results of a survey undertaken in early January. The intent is to refute a survey released in December 2010 (by the University of Maryland) which proved that people who watch Fox News on a regular basis are the most misinformed and have the weakest grasp of reality out of all Americans. The Fox survey will take so long to complete because of the enormous difficulty they will have finding people from their audience who understand the questions.

Come spring, the Boise State Athletic Department will tear up the blue turf and replace it with orange turf. When an ESPN announcer jokes that the stadium now looks like a giant fondue pot, Athletic Director Gene Bleymaier will respond, "That's fine by us. We discovered years ago that with Bronco Nation, the cheesier, the better."

Money will be approved for Boise to purchase a streetcar, although money for streetcar tracks will be denied. Until further notice, the vehicle will be towed around downtown by teams of DUI convicts working off their community service sentences.