I have something I need to say to Idaho's Republican lawmakers, and I hope, hope, hope I didn't put it off so long that they're already headed back home to Rubesburg and Hayseedville, Scrotum Falls and Cow Pie Creek, Spud Smut City and Pend d'Hick, Elk Guts Corner and Low Brow Village, Mormon Gap and Baptist Holler and Nazeroony Junction and Bumpkin Haven and Lake Inbred and Turd-In-The-Road Ridge and ... oh yeah, let us not forget Canyon County.
Nope, I wouldn't want them to get out of town without hearing what I think of their legislative accomplishments, although it's entirely probable they've stopped listening to anyone outside their little circle jerk of the like-minded. Really, considering how many testimonies they've sat through during the 2011 session, they're likely so fed up with hearing what their constituents have to say that they'd rather just scoot on back to Crapper Meadow and Pocapig without having to pretend they're paying attention to one more word from the mouth of another Idaho citizen.
But hey, I wasn't able to get down to the Statehouse and contribute my two-cents on any of that ... what I call ... Bend-Over-And-Grab-Your-Ankles legislation they passed as a spit in the eye to the overwhelming majority of testifiers, so I'm as entitled as anyone to have the last word. After all, they're each carrying a tidy, taxpayer-provided $16,000-plus back to Horse Apple Hill and Beet Meat Ferry for all that "leadership" they provided, not counting what they pulled in per diem while they pimped around Capital City looking for cute tea baggers to wow. And am I not one of those taxpayers who provided the check?
(Incidentally, did we all notice that as Gov. Hopalong and our legislative Barneys preached on and on about how everyone would have to tighten their belts and share in the pain, not once did any of them suggest a cut in their own state pay or that a pull-back in their own benefits might be in order. It surely can't be because they're worried that qualified, competent people won't be attracted to public service if the remuneration package can't compete with the private sector. I mean, what would any of these dick-a-lopes know about qualified, competent people, anyway?)
So here is the message I want the Republicans to leave town with, and if you happen to know any of them who can't read, pass it on, will you?
Attn.: GOP Legislators--We knew you were stupid. Stupidity is what we've come to expect out of political clowns from Sphincter Dip or Twin Udders. But now, it's clear you are also cowards. Craven, negligent, short-sighted, subservient cowards who wouldn't do the right thing if the country depended on it ... which it does ... and because of you and third-string specimens just like you across the land, we can count down the days until all of America is as inferior as you and the bottom-rungers you so proudly represent.
No need to explain the "stupid" label, is there? I say if you don't already understand instinctively that the nullification bill, the guns on campus bill, the "no penalty or prosecution for illegally killing wolves" bill, the closed primary bill--along with just about everything else the Republicans smeared over the Statehouse walls this session--were stupid wastes of time, money and energy promulgated by stupid, provincial frauds who come to Boise every year strutting their anti-government junk like they think they're God's gift to a cheap suit, then it's likely you're stupid enough to agree with their stunted ideas and asinine stunts.
But for those people who marvel as I do at how such bags of gas can be elected to anything, their cowardice may be more difficult to spot, particularly since they hide it behind a phony facade of courage. As they waddle on home to Bums Fork and Crotch Wells, picture them camped out at the counter of the Pickled Fart Diner, bragging to their homies about how brave, how principled, how patriotic they were to stand four-square against any of those big city revenue-raising tricks them damn Democrats thunked up.
("Yup, boys. Better to let our schools go to shit, better to let all the smitten and disturbed in Idaho go crawling in the streets, better to let ever' damn bridge and highway and state park crumble to ruination, than to allow one more penny on the sales tax or to make online merchants pay their fair share, that's what I say. And it was just me and 30 or 40 more of us there to hold the line, can ya' imagine?")
And thusly, under the yellow stain of their cowardice, Idaho--and America--will wither like an unwatered rose, all because the walking Republican brain-dead don't know the difference between leadership--the authentic version of which calls for disobedience to dogma when reality demands it--and a slobbering faith in a failing creed. Their retarded ideology has degenerated so thoroughly, they are willing to sacrifice any and every block in the foundation of our society at the altar of their one guiding, puny, commandment: No matter the price we will eventually pay, let no tax be raised.
Sooner or later, though, back home in Squat Butte and Acne Acres, Rust River and Cul-de-Snot, We-Wipe, Fort Ordure and Canyon County, the cowards will have to answer for what they've done to the mothers and fathers, the workers and teachers and doctors and policemen--all those who will have to live with and deal with the shameful chaos they have thrust upon us.