Food & Drink » Boozehound

This Valentine's, Don't Drink Pink

We tried X-Rated, Kinky and OR-G so you don't have to.

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Pretty (Bad) in Pink

Looking to woo your date with booze this Valentine's Day? Then stick to the three B's: bubbly, burgundy or bourbon. Hell, even boxed wine might work in a pinch. You know what's not on that list? Neon-hued, popsicle-flavored panty droppers that go down like syrupy, 34-proof Kool-Aid cocktails. But, hey, if you want to give your lover a hangover they'll never forget, then check out these wincingly named fusion liqueurs.

Kinky, $19.95

This lipgloss-pink liqueur has Capri Sun and church picnic punch notes on the nose, backed by peach lollipop on the palate and a pronounced Sour Patch Kids bite. Though the bottle claims it's a "naughty fusion of super-premium vodka distilled five times with succulent mango, blood orange liqueur and passion fruit," the only real fruit you'll taste in this baby is citrus, which does a good job counteracting the concoction's cloying sweetness.

X-Rated, $28.95

Before we get into more candy comparisons with this Barbie-pink liqueur, we'd like to raise one question: Why is it necessary to use "ultra-premium French vodka" if you're then going to "sensuously fuse" it with a bunch of fake fruit flavors? Though the bottle claims it's "Sicilian blood orange mingling with mango and passion fruits," this viscous sugar bomb has more in common with Jolly Ranchers than it does with actual fruit. That said, it's the mellowest of the three.

OR-G, $25.95

Vodka and Tang might've gotten Buzz Aldrin through those long, dark space nights, but it's certainly not an acceptable drink for non-astronauts with tastebuds. OR-G--with its throbbing, highlighter orange hue--tastes like someone dissolved Flintstone Vitamins in vodka. Or as one BW taste-tester proclaimed, "I need a beer to rinse that crap out of my mouth."