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Didn't See It Coming

Nostril Bill's retro-foretellings for 2015—Part Two


(Continued from last week, where Nostril Bill explained that the purpose of this two-part column is to preemptively predict what his followers might have noticed he didn't predict for the coming year, which ended at least six days ago. If you have difficulty wrapping your brain around either the concept of retro-foretellings, or that last sentence, you can appreciate why so many science fiction writers have moaned, "Time travel's a bitch.")

• The phrase "Jade Helm" flitted across N.B.'s ESP screen last year, but he assumed it was another one of those weird names some celebrities insist on giving their newborns (e.g., "Jade Helm Kardashian"), and he decided it wasn't worth pre-reporting on. Now that he knows it was a military training operation that many Texans took to be a conspiracy by President Barack Obama to declare martial law, he sees it was a mistake not to mention it. "Here I was given this opportunity to predict how many ways there are for Texans to be idiots, and I didn't do anything with it."

• Nostril did not see that Steve Harvey would make a mistake in reading the list of finalists and name the wrong woman as winner of the Miss Universe Pageant, or that the ensuing three minutes of confusion would turn the mistake into the biggest news story in the world for a full day.

However, decades ago, Nostril predicted the Miss Universe Pageant, as well as every other beauty contest in America, would die out from their own irrelevance, taking high heels, push-up bras and baton twirling with them. Nostril stands by that earlier prediction, and insists it's not his fault if society wasn't listening.

• In last year's predictions, Nostril did foretell of a famous male personality undergoing a sex change procedure. But owing to the fact that he had totally forgotten about Bruce Jenner within a week after the closing of the 1976 Summer Olympics, and hadn't given him a thought in the 40 years since, he had no foundation to imagine there was a Caitlyn Jenner in America's future. (Nostril was sure it would be Lindsey Graham who switched gender, which illustrates that predications often get the right name in the wrong context—i.e., confusing a public sex change with a public candidacy for the office of president.)

• Had you told Nostril a year ago the Confederate flag would be reviled and removed from public display in such rebel bastions as South Carolina and Mississippi, he would have said, "Just 'cause I'm a seer, doesn't make me a sap."

But look what happened. Nostril's only response to missing this "CSA" change in his tea leaves is, "I should have known it would take a mass murder to get the f***ing South to do the right thing."

• There was a magnificent lion in N.B.'s 2015 visions, but Nostril assumed it was his spirit animal representing his own noble nature, and if the name "Cecil" came up, he missed it. Had he perceived Cecil was in mortal danger from a shitheel macho dentist from Minnesota, he might have been able to warn the beautiful beast to stay close to home that fateful day.

• Perhaps it's a good thing Nostril Bill's Tarot deck did not show him the upcoming deals Obama would make with Iran over their nuclear capability and with the rest of the world on global warming. Had the Republican leadership in Congress caught wind of such stunning future diplomatic achievements, they almost certainly would have gone into hyperdrive to dream up even more devious schemes to prevent the accords from happening. Thank the stars Nostril didn't see it coming, for this could well have been a case of "Loose Prescripts Sink Statesmanship."

He did read in the cards that congressional Republicans would spend 2015 behaving like chattering, feces-throwing monkeys, but he said nothing about it in his published predictions. As Nostril himself says, "Prognosticating that people like Steve King (R-Iowa) and Raul Labrador (R-Idaho) are going to be assholes in the future is like foretelling the coming of flu season."

• On the subject of assholes, N.B. has expended a great many words warning of an annual manifestation of that psychic vortex of the most unadulterated stupidity to be found anywhere outside of Texas—or what most of you call "the Idaho Legislature." Had you asked Nostril this time last year if he thought that vortex could get any stupider than it was in 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, etc., he would have laughed and said, "No damn way! Are you kidding!?"

Yet in spite of Nostril's previously unarticulated assurances that it had gotten as stupid as it could get, along comes Vito Barbieri (R-Dalton Gardens), Christy Perry (R-Nampa) and Sheryl Nuxoll (R-Cottonwood), along with 20 other legislators who voted to refuse any cooperation with current child support laws, all out of hysterical panic over Sharia law. This was on top of Barbieri's lame attempt at gynecological sarcasm that had the entire nation laughing at him, Perry's fervent support of kidicide by medical neglect and the plethora of decisions that earned Nuxoll the title of Idaho's Official State Dumbshit.

Today, peering ahead into the as-yet-unwritten record of the 2016 session, Nostril Bill cannot say with any certainty that it couldn't get worse.

• Nostril did not see that Mr. Spock would die in 2015. Nor will he admit, even now, that Spock is truly gone.