"Bob! Baaaawwwwwwb! Help me! Help meeeeeee! Baaawwwwb!"
"What in the everloving f*** are you doing, Cope? Gee-zuss, get in here. And shut the f*** up!"
"Oh, Badger. Oh, ooooh, Badger. You got a beer or something? I am soooo upset, Bob. If I don't have a beer or something, I feel like I'm gonna just dissolve. Dissolve, Baawwb!"
"And you come here screaming like a drunken banshee outside my camper at three in the f***ing ... oh, you are drunk, aren't you?"
"Golly Bob, I didn't mean to be. I was just so darn upset and I thought maybe a mango daiquiri might calm me down. And it tasted so good, I had another one. And that one tasted even better than the first one, so I had another. And I had a cucumber vodka chaser with that one. And then I had another cucumber vodka chaser, only I ordered a peach schnapps chaser to go with the other chaser. And then..."
"I get it, Cope. You cleaned out the fruit section of the bar. Smart."
"Yeah. And then the bar closed and I walked over here because I'm still so upset, Bob. Baawwb, I just feel like cry-yi-yi-yi-yi-yin'."
"OK, what happened? Your wife leave you? Somebody die? You lose your f***ing car? What!?"
"It's the Obamacare rollout, Bob. It didn't work so good at first and the people aren't signing up as fast as Barack was hoping they would, and now those darn Republicans are making fun of my president like he's nothing but a failure. Baaawwb, my president ain't no gosh darn fail-yu-yu-yu-yu-yuuur!"
"Quit bawling. I can't stand to be around a blubbering drunk. And wipe that s*** off your chin, would you?"
"Oh yeah, Bob. Saaaw-ry. I urped up a little on the way over here. But you know what they're saying, Bob? Those darn Republicans, I mean. They're saying Obamacare is Obama's Katrina. Ka-treen-a! Like my president is as big a screw-up as that stupid George Bu..."
"I know, Cope. I've heard it. Like somehow trying to help vulnerable Americans is as f***ed up as totally ignoring vulnerable Americans. Or that it's Obama's Iraq. Like the lie about being able to keep those fer-s*** policies is as terrible as the lie that got a hundred thousand people blown up. Why are you even listening to those jackals, Cope? There's not a f***ing Republican left that's worth taking seriously."
"But they're hurting him, Bob. They're trying to make him look like he's as crappy and awful as they are. And it ain't true, Baawwwb. It just ain't t-t-t-troooo."
"Listen to me, Cope. Shut up and listen. I'll tell you what Obamacare is, and it isn't Obama's Katrina or Obama's Iraq. Obamacare is Obama's Gettysburg, that's what."
"This whole thing. Obamacare, the f***ed-up rollout, the sniping and the sabotage and the full-out assault on everything Obama is and stands for and cares about? It's his Gettysburg."
"You mean like the address? Like in 'Four shcore and . . . "
"No, no, no. I mean like the battle. Back then, the president was in deep s***, just like now. Everything he'd worked for... fought for, cared about, dedicated his presidency to... it was all on the edge, Cope. Ready to go over in defeat. Everything Lincoln stood for was under attack from an army of the worst Americans ever. The most vicious, the most traitorous, the most anti-freedom Americans this country has ever spawned. At Gettysburg, those treasonous bastards were on the verge of clawing their way right up Lincoln's a**hole and ripping out his guts. And it didn't look like there was anything the greatest president in our history could do to stop it because the traitors were so much better at tearing decency and honor down than they were at building anything decent and honorable up.
"The day that sonovab**** Lee marched into Pennsylvania may have been the blackest, the most desperate day in all of America's history. Everything we were before then, and everything we've been since then was on the ropes, Cope. And it looked bad. It look like it was going to go the way of misery and dreadfulness and evil... all the things the president had been fighting against.
"But it didn't. It didn't go that way. It tipped to the side of good and decency and honor. And you know why?"
"'Cause Lincoln's soldiers beat Lee's soldiers, that's all I know."
"It's more than that, Cope. It's because eventually, Americans choose what's right over what's wrong. It may take a while to sort out, but sooner or later, Americans have always figured out what they need to do. What will make this country better. And however long it takes, they do it. There isn't always a big battle with thousands and thousands of soldiers getting wiped out. But there's always a big confrontation of some sort when jackal bastards are trying to destroy what good men have made. And that's what we're going through now with Obamacare. When decent Americans finally see through the smoke and horses*** the Republicans use to confuse them, they will understand it will be a healthier, better, more moral country with Obamacare than without it. And the bastards will lose, Cope. The jackals always lose when the lion stands and fights."
"Golly, Bob. I hope you're right. I sure do."
"Yeah, so do I, Cope. Now s***head, I'm going back to bed. You can have the bean bag. And no more urping up, understand?"
"You bet, Bob. No urping up."