Opinion » Bill Cope

Dear President Obama

2C is tweet talk for 'Too Crazy'


How-de-doo, Mr. President. It's me again. Bill, from out in Idaho. Just wanted you to know I heard your lovely speech Jan. 21. Wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. And as a citizen living in perhaps the most Republican of states, I want to say once again what a pleasure it is to listen to a political leader who has something other than stale conservative caca between his ears.

I also wanted to tell you not to worry too much about this dicky little sheriff from over in Canyon County. But maybe you haven't heard. See, after this talk of new gun laws had been bouncing around for a few days, Sheriff Kieran Donahue announced (as though anyone had asked him) that he would refuse to enforce anything you might come up with to control those one-man WMDs.

Of course, he wasn't the first. Conservatives in Idaho are never the first at anything. Whatever the issue, they sit around like unplugged appliances, waiting for word to come from some higher power to tell them what to think. And, of course, to idle minds such as these, the NRA would be among the highest of powers.

Anyway, it appears to me that Sheriff Donahue waited until he was confident there was a trend developing before adding his contribution to the flow of sludge draining out of the Gun Nut Swamp. And surely, Mr. President, you're aware there has arisen a distracting howl among a smattering of sheriffs in objection to any reasonable approach or interpretation to the Second Amendment--or as I call it, "The right to inflate one's flagging masculinity by owning a shooter-upper that looks like the neato guns they use in those cool movies like Sylvester Stallone makes."

Generally, this sheriffical rebellion is coming from the more hillbilly-ish provinces--Mississippi, Texas, Idaho--but there has even been one from Oregon, though it happened to be that part of Oregon with no people in it. To my knowledge, Donahue is the only Idaho sheriff to hop on this bozo bandwagon, but it wouldn't surprise me if a few more joined the pusillanimous posse. After all, sheriffs are the only law enforcement personnel who have to run for election at regular intervals, so it comes as no shock that they go groveling for voter approval, which in conservative environs means their groveling takes the form of mouthing the stupidest, most blow-hardy, ignorant, lowest common denominator crap they can think of to mouth.

And oh my goodness, is Canyon County a conservative environ. In this most Republican of states, Canyon County has been for decades the most Republican of Idaho's 44 shires. Seriously, the dopiest politicians imaginable gather in that otherwise dull and trashy expanse like flies on fresh cow pies, then all too often, they spread their "loonytarian" germs to state governance and beyond. I think of it as the "Smear of Smead Syndrome"--a local reference that you wouldn't possibly understand, Mr. President--but the lingering effects of this sour and noxious influence is a raging incompetence on a level that would embarrass Adam Sandler. If that's even possible.

Sir, I am not kidding. What Florida does for the nation as a whole, Canyon County does for Idaho--if you know what I mean. Their school administrators can't seem to figure out how much money is in their budgets; they have prisoners walking away from work details and a contract prosecutor being prosecuted for pilfering county funds; they send a legislator to the State Capitol who proceeds to get drunk and go crashing around in a stolen vehicle; they have drive-by shootings it seems like every weekend, and they have either the worst drivers' education programs ever or a shamefully high rate of people who flunked out; those of us living downwind of them had to suffer their floating effluvium for decades until they finally got civilized enough to put emissions standards on their vehicles. The list goes on.

Seriously, it's 'Toon Town over there. Among their more remarkable gifts to the state of Idaho as been a superintendent of public instruction with no education himself and a governor who would rather be out roping baby cows than doing anything useful. And now they have a sheriff, huffing and puffing in as public a way as possible, that he's a better judge of what's constitutional than you are, Mr. President.

Thankfully, I am given to understand that Canyon County compliance with any new gun laws won't be left up to Sheriff Spud ... er, Donahue. (Excuse me. That slip alluded to another local legend that I don't imagine you would have heard of.) As has been reported from several sources, the enforcement of federal laws is done for the most part by federal lawmen. So it appears this horse's patoot either doesn't know much about who does what in the world of law enforcement or he is just blowing smoke out of his ... (Oh dear, I'm sorry. Let me rephrase that, should this letter fall into Sasha's or Malia's hands.) ... or he is just grandstanding.

But I don't have to tell you about conservatives grandstanding, do I, Mr. President? As your second inauguration proves, their bluster, their blabbery and their bull is nothing you can't handle, even when it's coming from somebody significant and not from some tag-along Barney from out hayseed way.

So like I said, Sir, don't lose any sleep over Sheriff Donahue's "Me-one-big-tough-hombre" moment. People like him pop up in Canyon County far too often, but they never last long, and in the end, they never really accomplish much. Like ... remember Steve Symms? No? That's OK. Neither does anyone else.