START TRAINING NOW PENIS WEIGHTLIFTING WILL SOON BE AN OLYMPIC SPORT
A few months ago I shared the tale of a Hong Kong man who claimed to be able to lift a 165 pound barbell with his dick. Further research has discovered that there is indeed a branch of Kung Fu dedicated to strengthening your penis. Not only that, but there is actually a video called Iron Crotch to help you with your training. Head on over to MartialArtsMart.net where $56.95 will buy you this instructional gem led by Grandmaster Tu Jin-Sheng, who will lead you through the basics of a martial art called Jiu Jiu Shen Gong. "You heard the stories, now experience the reality!" screams the sales pitch on this site. "Iron Crotch is the most talked about ancient Chinese practice ... this ancient skill unleashes your untapped potential and allows you to achieve your peak performance ... Dramatically enhances your potency and helps with sexual response dysfunction or lack of interest in sex." Let me know how it goes!
FOLLOWED BY THE WORLD'S FASTEST ONSET OF CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME
A British man has been crowned the world's fastest text-messenger after typing a complicated 25-word text message in world record breaking time. James Trusler, 24, won the championship and a £50,000 prize by typing the phrase "The razor-toothed piranhas of the genera Serrasalmus and Pygocentrus are the most ferocious freshwater fish in the world. In reality they seldom attack a human," in only 48 seconds, 19 seconds faster than his nearest rival. (sky.com)
STONE AGE SEX
Archaeologists in Germany have discovered an ancient artifact which may be the world's oldest known piece of pornography. The extraordinary find consists of a set of male and female clay figurines which appear to be copulating (apparently "copulating" is the accepted term among dusty old archeologists). This makes the figurines by far the earliest representation of sex found in any historical artifact, being a full 5,000 years older than sexual scenes depicted on frescos from around 2,000 years ago. "This is such an interesting discovery," said the statues' discoverer, "as these figurines are not stylistic, but realistic. They open up a gateway for historians and anthropologists to discuss whether sex really was a taboo subject in the stone age." (The Guardian)
BECAUSE THE LIVING WON'T GIVE YOU A SECOND GLANCE
So you can't find your soulmate among the living? Still longing for the love of some long-dead celebrity? Now you can go to biography.com/soulmate and find out which famous person would have been your Mr. or Mrs. Right through a little gadget called the "Dead Celebrity Soulmate Search." Just punch in what you're looking for and they'll set you up with what would have been a perfect match (if they weren't dead, of course, and if you weren't just a talentless nobody.) A great way to entertain yourself after the living celebrity you've been stalking gets a restraining order against you.
FROM THE STILL NO CURE FOR CANCER FILES
Researchers from Marks and Spencer have finally perfected a biscuit which won't disintegrate when you dunk it in your tea or coffee. "It absorbs the liquid instead of disintegrating," explained one of the developers, adding that the new biscuit could be dipped for up to 2.3 seconds without falling apart. (Yahoo News)
DEADLY FLU VIRUS ON THE LOOSE
Well here's some wonderful news to start your day. According to New Scientist magazine, a deadly flu virus has been "accidentally" released by an American lab and sent to over 3,700 labs around the world. The virus is responsible for a flu pandemic which killed over two million people worldwide in 1957, which then mutated into another strain that killed an additional million in 1968. This virus was supposed to be kept under the very tightest security, but was somehow included in flu testing kits produced by the College of American Pathologists and sent out to thousands of labs worldwide. The kits are now being tracked down and destroyed, but the possibility exists that a lab worker could contract the disease and begin another world wide pandemic. I suggest you wash your hands with scalding hot water as often as possible ...