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Bill Cope: Randem Thinkings

Guess what!--Mulletboy's gonna be a lawyor

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I was mid-way through a column on why Roger Goodell should be fired when I realized that I didn't really care what happened to Roger Goodell. I mean, it's not like they're apt to replace him with anybody better, is it? I figure looking for a social conscience in the NFL is like looking for a bird lover in a Tyson chicken plant.

Anyway, rather than start the tedious process of trying to think of something I do care about, I thought it might be a good time to drop by MulletBoy's blog, "Randem Thinkings," and see what he's up to. So hey, MulletBoy, what are you up to?

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Whooy-Dawg! Looks like I'll be gitting into collige after all. Maybe you remember how for a while there, cousin Rip and me been waiting to here back from Harverd and Oxferd to see if the're gonna let us in. I picked Harverd cause I always wanted to try some of that Hasty Pudding I heard about, and Rip wanted to see if Oxferd really does have any buildings whats built like a big shoe.

But one morning about a month ago Rip comes running into Lube&Scoot where I work and says all upset like "Guess what I just heard," which he always does. He hardly ever comes around without saying "Guess what I just heard," or "Guess what I just saw," or "Guess what I just found in my underwear drawer." Then he gets all pissyed off if I don't try to guess.

So I says "A moose." And he says "Wha'?" and I say "You want me to guess what you just heard, so I'm guessing you just heard a moose!" and he say "There ain't no mooses around here. How in heck would I here a moose around here?"

I was thinking on that cause I knew there had to be an answer, but he didn't want to wait. He says "That Harverd collige and that Oxferd collige, you know? Well I just heard they ain't even in Idaho." I say "I already knew that, Cuzz. I thought you did too," and he says "Why didn't you tell me?" and I was about to say "I thought you did too," again when he says "I sure as heck ain't going to no collige what ain't in Idaho!" and before I can say "Why not?" he says "Cause what if I end up in some state what don't let us have our Gloks with us when we go to class?"

So to tell the truth, I han't ever thought of that yet because I was still saving up enough money to buy myself a Glok, right after I buyed myself a Bushmasher, which I ain't saved up enough money for yet either. But I understood why he was so upset. That was sorta why we decided to go to collige in the first place, sos we could carry Gloks with us when we went. So I says "Don't worry, Cuzz. There's plenty colliges in Idaho to chose from. Besides, din't you apply to that Boise State place sorta as a backup plan?" and he says, "Yeah, but I heard back from them, and guess what they told me."

Well I din't feel much like guessing, but I didn't want to piss him off anymore than he already was, so I say "Did they tell you how cottage cheese gets made?" and he says "Wha'?" and I say "Oh never mind," and he says "They won't let me in cause my GED ain't no good."

I don't mind telling you that neerly knocked me over. I say "Rip, you got your GED same time I got mine. Hows come yours ain't no good?" and he says "I just told you I got mine when you got yours cause I din't want you to go thinking you were smartern me. Then when I tried to get into them colliges, I copied what yours looks like on some construction paper and sent it along with my application. I figured they woun't look so close at it, mostly cause I also told them I already had my own Glok."

Well that was like a month ago or so and I done about gave up on thinking I'd be going to collige cause what I din't tell Rip was how my GED wan't no good either. I just took a "Employee of the Month" certificate I got from my boss at Lube&Scoot and crossed out "Employee" and wrote in "Genital Education Decree" with a Sharpie, and I figured if Rip coun't get into collige because he had a bum GED, then I coun't either.

But then yesterday Rip comes running in again and says "Guess what I just heard!" and I say "How imitation leather ain't real leather?" and he says "Wha'?" and then he says "No no no. I just heard about a collige we can get into right here in Idaho. And guess what!" and I say "Nine! That's my guess and I ain't changing it!" and he says "No no no. It's a law collige! We can be lawyors!"

Then Rip told me about this what they call a "four profit" law collige over in Boise what'll probably let us in. He says "It's call Accordian Law School or something like that and they don't worry about things like bum GEDs or crappy GPAs or what they call a ABA or none of that stuff, not as long as we got the money to go, which we can borrow off that Sally May gal as soon as we get accepted somewheres."

Well, I never once thought about being a lawyor before, but the more I think about it, the better it sounds. We get a lot a lawyors coming into Lube&Scoot cause they don't like changing their own oil I guess, and let me tell you, not a one of them guys look like they pull down less than 15... maybe 20 thou a year. I asked Ripster if he knew whether they let you carry Gloks to this Accordian Law School, and he say "They gotta, Cuzz! It's the law!"

So I'm hoping hows the next time I blog you up, I'm gonna be studying up for my Jerry's Prudist decree. Yeah, that's what they call what a lawyor gets to be a lawyor. But don't ask me who Jerry is. Whooy-Dawg! I cain't hardly wait to get myself off on my next speeding ticket.