Opinion » Bill Cope

Bill Cope MulletBoy, BMOC

It don't take no brain sturgeon...

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I started a column on Sen. Curt McKenzie's proposal that Idaho college campuses are as good a place as any to be packing firearms but I had to stop. I have an unusually responsive gag reflex, and nothing activates it more violently than gun nuts--especially those who think the unnatural obsession they have with their guns has a place in any school, at any grade level, ever.

So I am turning the topic over to MulletBoy, that "Randem Thinkings" blogger from somewhere well south of the average human intelligence quotient. It turns out he has been writing on the same subject, and I have let him fill in for me before. If you don't remember, the last we heard from him was his determination to purchase a "Bushmasher," one of those military-style assault weapons that are so popular with people who enjoy exposing their guns in public. Maybe he can convey better than I how ludicrous it is to allow young testosterone monkeys to carry loaded firearms into a scene packed with other young testosterone monkeys. Take it away, MulletBoy...

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Whoowee Dawg! Won't be long now till I can get myself to college, since now I got me a good reason to get. I thought about it once before, back before I figured out how a GED was about all a dude needs. I told ol' cousin Rip, "Hey Rip, I think I'll go to college!" and he says "What the hell for? You thinking about making a brain sturgeon outa yourself?"

Well that got me to thinking. I never had thought about making no brain sturgeon outa myself, but I hadn't thought about what anything else I could make out of myself, neither. And that's when it hit me. The only good thing I could see about going to college was to be a English Magor because I always been pretty good at writing stuff which is how I started this blog in the first place. But Rip says, "Know what I heard? I heard English Magors have to memorise everything that Shakespeer dude wrote, and you know what he was, don't ya'?"

Well sure as shit I knew what Shakespeer was. Who doesn't? And I didn't want to be one of those, not on a bet. So I gave up my backup dream of becoming the next Bernie Hemingsway, my first dream being of becoming manager of Lube 'N' Scoot, which if my boss ol' Jim Ramshot dies of gin-poisoning like I think he might, I got a shot at.

But night before last then ol' Rip comes busting into the house and says, "Guess what?" and I tried to guess but all I could come up with was how Rip had gone bought himself some of those Micky Jordan undershorts and was wearing them right there under his kamoflag trousers. But then Rip says, "No dummy! I ain't wearing no Micky Jordan undershorts, but it won't be long now whens we can carry guns when we go to college!"

Then I say, "But Rip, I thought we decided we weren't going to no college. Isn't that what we decided?" and Rips says, "Yeah, but that was before they started letting guns come into college with ya'. Don't ya' see? Ain't none of them professors gonna try to turn us into Shakespeers if they think we got a Glok tucked in our pits." And he put his hand in his armpit like he was telling that great joke about how they make burger patties at McDonalds.

But I say, "But Rip, I ain't got no Glok." And he says, "Ain't no thang, bro!" which is what he says when he's doing that Samuel Jackson imitation that he does at the bowling alley on karee-okee night. And I say, "But Rip, I'm still saving up for a Bushmasher. No way I can afford a Glok, too."

Then Rips says, "You can't afford to go to college neither, can ya'?" and I say, "Hell, I don't know. What a college cost?" and he says, "That's the thing, cuzz. College don't cost a thing if you get one of those college loans. Some gal named Sally May's been handing out college loans to about everyone what wants for one, and I heard she don't ask what they wanta spend it on. So we get us a college loan but we don't buy any books, see? We can always read off the books what the guy sitting next to us brings, and then we can use the money we save to buy us Gloks, which we'll have tucked in our pits in case the guy starts bitching about us reading off his books. See?"

Well it sounded like a good plan to me. Exept I say, "But Rip, you're telling me these college loans don't cost nothing?" and he says, "Well dummy, of course ya' gotta pay 'em back. That Sally May gal ain't that dumb. But it'll be easy because you'll have a diplomat saying hows you passed college. You still thinking about being one of those English Magors?" and I say, "Either that or a brain sturgeon."

Then another thought hit me. "But Rip, you suppose if I don't join one of them fraternals, I'd have some extra money to buy a Bushmasher, too?" and he thinks for a minute and says, "Probably. But you'll never get a Bushmasher tucked in your pit like you can with a Glok" and I say, "I don't mean that. I figure a Bushmasher is more a weekend gun. And where you think we oughta go to college, anyway?"

Sos we haven't actually decided where we're going to college yet. We're waiting to see if that college gun bill gets passed in the state legislatorate. But I figure it'll either be Boise State or Harverd for me. Rip's thinking either Northwest Naz or Oxford. He thinks it'd be cool to go someplace named after a shoe.

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I do believe MulletBoy has captured the essence of Sen. McKenzie's bill, don't you? I should let him speak for the Legislature more.