Opinion » Heck

Big Stick Skit Schtick


As a child, I had a mean case of The Skits. Over the weekend, I felt it once again--that unmistakeable urge to corral people into performances, especially without their knowledge. Luckily, I had an eager cast at my disposal. So, without further ado, I present this year's Independence Day masterwork, Heck's Host: A Re-Enactment of the Last Half-Century of United States Foreign Policy.

Scene: A formerly nice yard, now a mess of mud, small footprints, trampled flowers and broken water balloons. Four small, dripping-wet, tear-stained children, all holding grotesque water guns with monster faces for barrels, stand in line at a faucet where Collias crouches by a faucet.

First kid: "ME NOW!"

Collias: "No, you have to say, 'General Nick, will you please fill up my Water Worm™?'"

"PLEASE!" (Collias looks to two other childless adults, also waiting in line, for advice, but receives only shrugs.)

"I guess that counts." (Fills worm.)

(First kid turns, pins second kid in line on ground, sprays water into victim's face until the gun is empty, turns back.) "ME NOW!"

"Whoah! I didn't know you were going to do that. Back of the line, duder!"

--Nicholas Collias