Opinion » Bill Cope

Badger Bob Fills In

Warning: Not suitable for children


I swore I'd never do this again. Anyway, I think I swore I'd never do this again. By God, I distinctly remember swearing I'd never do something again, and if it wasn't this, I'll be damned if I know what else it'd be.

But Cope went to Florida last week. Seems his wife's folks are having a 50th anniversary shindig and he thought he ought to be there. I don't know why. It's not like anyone'd miss 'im. If you've ever spent anytime around Cope, you'll know what I'm talking about. It's like hanging out with a boiled cauliflower.

Anyway, he comes crying to me. "Jeepers creepers, Bob! I have to go 'cause my in-laws are having their 50th anniversary and I was gonna stay here while my wife and kid went but at the last minute, they shamed me into going and I'm leaving Thursday and I have a column due come Friday and I don't know how I'm gonna do it unless you help me out here ... Bob!"

Hell! What was I supposed to tell 'im? "Get y'r lazy butt outa my Winnebago and write your own columns?" Huh? Besides, I tried that and it didn't work. He just cried louder.

And I do sorta owe the weenie. If it weren't for him, I'd still be hosing off swizzle sticks in that Key West bathhouse and sleeping under a row boat. Not that mopping up puke in a Garden City saloon and sleeping in a burnt-out camper is a hell of lot better.

So, yeah. I agreed to do his column this week. Even though I swore I'd never do it again.

But you opinion-hungry babies have to bear with me. First off, I've been making a point of paying as little attention to what's going on in the world as a person can without gouging out his own eyeballs and filling his ears in with Elmer's glue. It's not that I think everything Americans are up to these days is a meaningless, tasteless, noisy, wasted, cheap, cheesy noxious mountain of s***. But to find anything worth getting out of bed for, a fella has to go in head first, digging like a starved dog with both hands. And by the time I find it, I gotta wonder just how filthy I'm willing to get for them few flecks of gold. Know what I mean?

Okay ... if you don't ... then BITE ME!

Secondly, as far as the political scene goes, don't expect an old anarchist to care who wins the presidential election. I suppose from a practical standpoint, I'll go for Kerry, sure ... simply because nobody with the sense God gave grass would vote for Bush. I heard Cope compare him to the captain of the Titanic, but that ain't the proper metaphor. No sir! That Bush a****** ain't the captain. He's the f****** iceberg!

But philosophically, what difference does it make which rich white guy gets to be president? Think about it! If Kerry wins, will he put an end to this American Idol foolishness? Huh? Will he start taxing those big Southern Baptist hillbilly factories like they shoulda been doing from the beginning? Will he throw Dr. Phil into Gitmo like he oughta? Will he exile HumVee owners to the South Pole and outlaw rap forever? Huh?

Yeah! Sure he will.

But as long as I'm here, I do have some advice for both Democrats and Republicans. I ain't taking sides like Cope does. No sir, I've known a decent Republican or two in my lifetime, and I've known a fer-s*** Democrat or two, so don't expect no party lines outa me. It's just advice, that's all, so don't go putting me into one of your damn demographics. We straight on that, or what?

For you Democrats, I have this to say. Know how them Republican monkeys are howling that Bush's critics don't seem as outraged over that Berg fella getting his head cut off as they are over what went on in Abu Ghraib prison? Well Demos, you might mention the fact that whoever cut off that fella's head isn't an American soldier, supported by American tax-dollars, representing American values. You might mention that we can bitch about how brutal foreigners can be and it won't change diddly, but we can by God change how brutal American's can be, especially when they're doing it in our name, by God! That's what this democracy deal is all about, mention that! And remember, when you're trying to explain things to a Republican, there's no such thing as over-stating the obvious.

Furthermore, Dems, if you get real brave some day, you might also ask what the big damn moral difference is between cutting off an innocent person's head with a sword ... and blowing it the hell off with a laser-guided smart bomb! Yeah, they're gonna call you a heartless, unpatriotic b****** if you say that, but I'll guarantee they ain't gonna have a good answer.

The point is, Dems, don't take none of their s***. Not for what you think, and not for who your candidate is. Yeah, Kerry's a tad light in the charisma cookie jar, but so what? Pound for pound, he's done more to make this country a better place than the whole f***ing Bush clan put together! Including Babs!

Now, for you Republicans ... what few of you are that're worth talking to, that is ... which pretty much narrows it to John McCain. Look here, McCain, quit bouncing around like a dashboard Kewpie and call up Kerry right this minute! Tell him you'll be his Veep if he wants. I don't care what you told the newsies about how you won't run. Scr** that! What this country needs most is some leaders smart enough to understand that mixing liberal with conservative ain't a bad thing. Humans been doing it since forever, and it's only when self-righteous, one-dimensional, dumb-as-dirt a******s take over that things get horrible.

And listen, it was your Limbaugh-looney, right-wing gooney-t*** GOP that started this "Them lefties ain't good enough patriots" horses***, and it'll take a good patriot like you to show that nobody has exclusive rights to the good patriot parking lot. I tell you what, McCain ... it'd be just like when Nixon went to China! Only when Nixon went to China, I was praying the P**** woulda stayed there!

So John Boy, hear me! The country needs this a hell of a lot more than we ever needed for you to go over and shoot the s*** out of Vietnam. You know that! It's like that new book of yours ... Why Courage Counts? Or Matters? Or Whatever? ... you're exactly right! Courage counts for a hell of a lot! Now GET SOME! Just this one more time, Johnny m'boy.

Okay. That's it. I'm done. Said all I'm gonna say. Cope'd better be happy, and f*** 'im if he's not! And I tell you what, anyone comes near my opinion with a bunch of asterisks, they'll be hearing from me sooner than they'd prefer, by God!