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Ayn Rand Does Kids Lit

Ayn Rand Writes The Baby-Sitters Club? Dear God, Yes.

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Ayn Rand was a philosopher in the same way the Hamburglar was a gourmet chef. Rand's works of fiction read like Bill O'Reilly but are longer and include less sex and violence. They're vehicles for her philosophy of "objectivism," which could be summarized as a synthesis of John Locke and Cliven Bundy, but with fewer scruples. While most responsible parents keep Rand's books far from the hands of impressionable kids, Mallory Ortberg, founder of website The Toast (the-toast.net), wondered how Rand would bloviate on children's literature.

"When I say that I am the [Baby-Sitters Club] and the BSC is me, I mean that the others are merely instruments for carrying out my decisions. I am the will, they the body. You might call them useful tools," muses Kristy Thomas, narrator of "Ayn Rand's The Baby-Sitters Club," as penned by Ortberg.

Ortberg has composed a handful of selections from popular children's books as if they'd been written by Rand. Other titles include "Ayn Rand's You've Got Mail," "Ayn Rand's Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" and "Ayn Rand's Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows."

For still more clever jabs, try out "Ayn Rand Reviews Children's Books," in which the stone-hearted dame of libertarianism weighs in on such classics as The Giver and the Encyclopedia Brown series. All of it can be found for free at the-toast.net, which probably has Rand spinning in her grave.

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