News » Curious Times

August 18 2004

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READ MY LIPS

Our verbally-challenged pal Dubya Bush has stumbled over his words in fine fashion yet again. This time, during a bill signing ceremony at the Pentagon, Bush promised to continue to find ways to ruin America. "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we," Dubya said, then adding, "They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." Touché! Meanwhile, at a campaign stop in Virginia, Bush ridiculed John Kerry's plan to increase taxes on the rich, saying that it would never work because "the really rich people figure out how to dodge taxes anyway." He should know, his daddy taught him how. (www.sky.com)

I'M TOO LAZY TO WRITE A HEADLINE

Last week I wrote about the French author who wrote a book called Hello Laziness, about the joys of doing as little work as possible on the job. If that idea strikes a chord with you, you might not want to miss the first ever "National Convention of the Idle," being held in a village near the Italian-Swiss border. According to one of the organizers of the event, idleness is not a vice, but is actually a sign of intelligence, as idle people find smart ways of getting things done with less effort. If lazy people bother to show up for the event, they've been promised that the seminar on laziness will last less than half an hour and a long siesta will be mandatory. Along with tips on perfecting the art of laziness, participants will also learn the 10 commandments of avoiding effort, which include letting others always make the first move and never volunteering for anything. (BBC)

YOU MAY NOW EAT THE BRIDE

A Pakistani man who enjoys eating carpets, light bulbs, teacups, glass and grass is blaming his bizarre diet on his inability to find a wife. Allah Wasayo, 55, says that his relatives will not allow him to marry because they fear he will eventually eat his wife. Wasayo has had X-rays done that show that there is nothing unusual about his digestive system, yet he has never been cut by the sharp objects he eats and has never suffered from stomachaches or digestive problems. "All eatables taste the same to me," he says, "I eat carpets, cups, saucers, pieces of glass, pulao, chicken karahi and grass with the same fervor." (Ananova)

NOTHING'S SCARIER THAN A BORED MATH GEEK

According to horror movie-loving math geeks, the perfect equation for making a scary film is (es+u+cs+t) squared +s+ (tl+f)/2 + (a+dr+fs)/n + sin x - 1. Got it? If you're a wannabe slasher flick director, follow along closely: escalating music (ec) plus the unknown (u) plus chase scenes (cs) plus the sense of being trapped (t) squared plus shock (s) plus true life (tl) and fantasy (f) added together and divided by two, plus whether the characters are alone (a) or in the dark (dr), plus the film setting (fs) divided by the number of people in the film (n). Lastly, add blood and guts (sin x) and subtract 1 for every stereotype.

Whew! What a load of crap. But anyway, this equation supposedly proves that the perfect horror film is The Shining. (sky.com)

WHEN DISGRUNTLED EMPLOYEES CAN'T GET A GUN, THEY WRITE A BOOK

Gosh! Shocking news from the Playboy Mansion, as former Playboy bunny Jill Ann Spaulding has written a tell-all book in which she claims that Hugh Hefner keeps a dozen "bunny slaves" at the mansion who are ordered to have sex with him whenever he wants for $2,000 per week (those sound like hookers, not slaves). She also reveals the startling news that the Playboy Mansion "isn't Barbie's dreamhouse, but a brokerage house where dangerous sex is traded for stardom." No shit, Sherlock ... (azcentral.com)

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