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Hillary heebie-jeebies cured

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I'm not home right now. Leave your name and number at the tone and I'll get back to ya'... beep.

Yoo-hoo, Willy Billy! It's me. Anonymous. Your biggest fan, and I am just SO HAPPY that I just had to turn off The View and get up and get moving or I thought I might giggle myself to death if I didn't. So first I called Dottie to see if she wanted to go bike riding on the Greenbelt, which I have never done before but it always sounded like fun to me, especially this time of year when all the leaves are pretty colors and all the raccoons have gone south for the winter, at least according to Mr. Hamperstein, but I couldn't tell if he was teasing me or not when he said that about the raccoons because sometimes he talks to me like I'm a little girl who will believe anything, but Dottie said she wouldn't go bike riding with me anyway because she was having brunch with a very important person who she wouldn't tell me who, but I think it was really because she was still mad at me for something I said the other night during our last Cope's-Latest-Column Discussion Group discussion where we were discussing the column about where you went to Heaven again and saw the end of the world. By the way, Willy, she is really, really mad at you about that column. She belongs to one of those churches where everyone prays by holding up their hands like they're checking to see if it's raining, so you know she's about as serious a God-believer as you can get, and one thing those people don't like is blasphemy, which she said you are full of. So she went on and on about how what a blasphemer you are until Mr. Hamperstein said "I've heard enough of this doody," only he didn't say "doody," and he put on his coat and got ready to leave when Dottie screeched "But he said he was eating popcorn while he was being given visions of the End Days! How much more blasphemizing can you get?" And that's when I said "Well, Dottie, it seems to me it wouldn't really be Heaven without popcorn," and Mr. Hamperstein laughed because he knows how much I love popcorn, even that kettle corn kind. But I thought Dottie was going to have a stroke or something because I have never seen a person turn that red who hadn't fallen asleep in a tanning bed, and she hasn't spoken to me since. Except for just now when she wouldn't go bike riding with me on the Greenbelt because of the important person she was having brunch with, who I bet she made up, anyway, so instead of that, I decided to give you a call. Which is this one.

OK, let's see. What was I going to tell you. Oh! It was about HOW HAPPY I am, and that's because I am totally not nervous anymore about Hillary Clinton. It was exactly true what you said about it all being up to her to show she can handle stuff like debates and that little Trey Gowdy person. Here I was, thinking that her email troubles and Benghazi troubles and personality troubles weren't going away because I wasn't wishing hard enough for them to go away, but in the end, it didn't have anything at all to do with me and my wishing. It only had to do with how Hillary would do while everybody was watching her, and she did GREAT, don't you think? I as so proud of her I wanted to hug her 'til she piddled, especially after that hearing. I watched every minute of it, except for when those people were so mean to her. It was like watching my own sister get called a liar and a cheater, even though my sister actually did have a tendency to tell a whopper now and then, at least until she got so forgetful we had to move her into an assisted living facility in Nampa. But whatever my sister did, I didn't like it when somebody was picking on her. And that's what those hearing people were doing to Hillary, like a bunch of mean girls in a P.E. locker room. Especially that horse's patootie, Trey Gowdy. But that Hillary, she just... beep.

•••

Darn you, Anon. You used up my entire answering machine tape without leaving your number. Or asking a question. Or saying much of anything for me to respond to. But respond I will, dear. I can hardly afford to ignore my biggest fan, now can I?

You are certainly right about Hillary's performance during the hearing. She exudes confidence like that Trey Gowdy exudes... well, whatever that gunk on his forehead was. It was like watching seven inbred chihuahuas behind a chain link fence yap at a passing golden retriever.

There is still some talk circulating among people who talk for a living that her personality is not as warm and sympathetic as it should be. Well I say, kiss my patootie! If we were looking for a nanny to pick our kids up from school, probably so. But this is the president of the United States job we're talking about. And as much as people love Mrs. Doubtfire, it's hard to imagine she'd make a good commander-in-chief.

It was nice to finally hear your voice. My oh my, do you talk fast. You're like what I imagine Lucy Ricardo on meth would sound like. I'd suggest we meet for coffee, but after listening to you, I'm not sure that's such a good idea.

By the way, Anon. How did you get my phone number? And would you please, please, not give it to anyone else. Especially your friend Dottie. I've done a lot of rotten things, but nothing so bad as to be punished with a friend like her.