Oh Willy Billy, I haven't been this nervous since I thought I was coming down with another dose of menopause, which turned out to be because I was out shopping with Dottie one day and we stopped at a Starbucks just to get off our feet for a few minutes but I didn't want to sit there without buying anything so I ordered an iced double-double-something-or-other with hazelnut flavoring and extra sugar. Let me tell you, for the rest of the day I thought I was possessed by the Devil, only my head never spun around, but I wouldn't have been a bit surprised if it did. By the way, I forgot to tell you this is Anonymous from the Cope's-Latest-Column Discussion Group, in case you haven't guessed.
Anyway, I haven't dared drink coffee since that day, so that's not why I'm so nervous, either. It's Hillary. We spent all of last week's Cope's-Latest-Column meeting discussing your column on how that nasty "Bad-Words" Badger Bob thinks you should be a Bernie Sanders supporter and the group could not agree on anything you two said. Mr. Hamperstein and a couple of others said you were wrong in choosing Hillary over Bernie, and I and a couple of others said you were right and that we thought it is absolutely totally high time for a woman president. That darn Dottie just sat there laughing at us all because she says Donald Trump is going to win and we are just wasting our time thinking anything else. She's been a Donald Trump backer ever since he said illegal Mexicans are rapers, which I think is just an atrocious rude thing to say, but Dottie says I am just being politically correct and she hates political correcting, even though she never explains why. I think it's because down deep in her heart, she wants to call people the "N" word or the "Q" word, or whatever word that fits them. Mr. Hamperstein, who is a "J" word, doesn't like Dottie a bit, you can tell, and he argues with her every chance he gets, which I don't do myself because I know she will never go home until she thinks she has won the argument. But that's not how Mr. Hamperstein sees it because he can get up and leave anytime she makes him sick enough. Which happens a lot.
Anyway, I told the Bernie siders that you were not only right about it being high time for a woman president, but that Hillary was the exactly right woman to be that person, and I have felt that way since back when she was running the last time. Hillary is the kind of woman I wish I had grown up to be and it would be like having my sister in the White House, except not my real sister because my real sister lives in Nampa and all she can think about is Bingo. But that's not why I'm nervous, either.
It's this darn emails server thingy that has me so nervous. What if it comes out Hillary actually did something wrong this time, Willy Billy? Dottie keeps saying she ought to be in jail for either spilling secrets, or not spilling secrets, but how does she know what secrets Hillary might have spilled, or didn't spill. Which is what Mr. Hamperstein sort of said to Dottie the other night when he said "OK, Trumpy, you're so ("GD" word) sure Hillary is hiding something, so you tell me what you think she's trying to hide." And then Dottie started going on and on about that Benghazi stuff, and that's when Mr. Hamperstein got up and left. And so did everyone else. Except me, since it was my house.
Anyway, why is it that every time Bill or Hillary get on the news, there's someone accusing them of something? If they were such bad people, don't you think we would know it by now? And every time Hillary talks, I get even more nervous because I know the next thing I'll hear is how she didn't say whatever she said exactly right so that her accusers will shut up once and for good. It's like they expect her to either be perfect, or get investigated for something they never quite say she did. Or didn't do.
Willy Billy, I want Hillary to be president SO BAD, but I just don't know if I can spend the next year being this nervous. Can you say anything at all that will make me feel like I have nothing to be nervous about?—signed, Anonymous from the Cope's-Latest-Column Discussion Group
Might as well relax, girl. I want her SO BAD, as well, but nothing you or I do or feel or think is going to change the dynamics of this election season by a nano-squat. This is Hillary's challenge, and if she deals with it in a convincing way, she will convince the doubters she's up to the prez job and she will win.
But Anon, better prepare yourself for the reality that even if she wins, the onslaught won't stop. There is only one principle guiding today's Republican party—hate—and they're not about to give that up. These are people who can overlook a lifetime of atrocious behavior from a crud like Trump, and would skin Hillary alive for misfiling emails. Nor will it matter if it's Hillary, Bernie or Joey-B who wins the office—the hate will keep a'comin'. It's only more intense on Hillary because there's something about smart women that just pisses Republicans off, ya notice?
Take comfort, friend. Even by their own calculations, they will lose, and for the same reason your friend Dottie likes the crud so much: Trump is so utterly offensive to the same demographic the GOP needs to attract, think of him as a chunk of prime rib, lodged in the windpipe of a dying man, and there isn't a person in the party with guts enough to do the Heimlich on him.