Opinion » Bill Cope

Ask Bill About It

Some Dick wants Cope canned, again


 To who the new editer is,

I heard there was a new editer but since I quit getting the Boise "Weakly" at the Maverik store in Caldwell when I go up there on Fridays for my appointment with the chryopacker, I don't know who your name is, except that the peson who told me you were new said you were a man instead of a woman this time. That is good.

The reason that is good is because if you are really a man and not a woman, you will fire the snotrag who is Bill Cope. He should have been fired a long time ago and I wrote another letter a long time ago and told the editer then that they should fire him. But they did not. I pretty sure it was a woman editer then and I figure she wouldn't not fire him because he is crazy as a sack full of rats nad she was probably afraid to make him even crazier.

But you are a man and so you should not be afraid of him and you should fire him. He has jurnalist standurds so low a maggot could not crawl under them and he is a terrilbe writer. I can for the life of me not understand how a pussbucket libtard like him could get out of writing school with a cretificate or whatever it takes to do writing. Because he is the worst writer I have ever seen. He also lies all the time. That's all he ever writes about, are his leis. Especially about guns. He does not know an end of a gun from the other, but he is always telling patriats what we should be not doing with them. That is why I quit getting Boise "Weakly," because of his over and over lying about guns. Everybody but lizardpuke like him knows that we need guns to keep our freedoms from how a dictaitor like Barrack "Whos Sane" Obamma for taking them away. Like in Cuba or somewhere.

--Dick from Homedale

Dickie, Dickie, Dickie,

Good to hear from you again. It's been so long, I was beginning to think you were mad at me. Ha ha!

Hey, bud, I'm sorry to hear you're having to go to a "chryopacker." Those bad backs can be miserable, eh? I imagine yours is probably some collateral damage from your little calf-roping career. But if you think you have it rough, just think how all those calves feel. Ha ha!

Interesting that you should bring up guns, Dick--especially that soggy old noodle about how you "patriats" should have any sort of gun you want in order to stem the tides of tyranny. As chance would have it, I am currently working on a screenplay dramatizing what might happen if the gun nut guys convince themselves the U.S. government has turned into a real tyranny, as opposed to that fantasy tyranny they've been masturbating to for years. The story focuses on a group (they call themselves "The Nugent Brigade") of men--a few women, too--in some unspecified red state who have taken to the hills and started a guerrilla resistance against the nasty feds. For these eager heroes, the final straw is when La Presidente--incidentally, the first Latina president in history and she wears a patch over one eye--pushes through a federal law against kids under 12 riding ATVs without a helmet.

They get that guerrilla war idea from a Patrick Swayze movie (Red Dawn), they get the idea for their "uniforms" from a Sylvester Stallone movie (Rambo), and from a whole slew of movies, television series and video games, they get the idea that they will ultimately defeat the government forces and become America's Founding Fathers 2.0 if only they keep the gritty determination and unwavering perseverance inspired in them by the likes of Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal and that gal from those Resident Evil movies.

Let me give you a taste of what I have so far, Dick.

Commander Cody: Lou, you take Bob and Larry around to the left flank, climb that cliff before the sun comes up, scoot along on your bellies through that strawberry patch, and when you hear the explosion, come in with your Bushmasters blazing, you copy me?

Lou: Commander, is it really necessary to blow up a DMV? Couldn't we just lay those people off after we win the revolution?

Commander Cody: Lou! Did you see anything about a DMV in the Constitution? If you have a problem sticking to the Constitution, Lou, let me know now, dammit!

Lou: No, Commander, you're right. I'm sorry. It won't happen again.

So anyway, after a few of days of insurrection, La Presidente gets tired of having her DMVs, post offices, emissions inspection stations and Obamacare offices blown up, and she sends a couple of attack helicopters to wipe out the rebels. Which takes just under 10 minutes. "Lou" is the last to be wiped out, and his final words are, Who could have imagined those bastards would use... helicopters... on... us? Uuuuunnnglllg...

So let me know what you think, Dick. I call it "The Shortest Revolution Ever."

One more thing: As to your suggestion that I be booted off the paper, the new "editer" told me to tell you he would take it under advisement, but that I was good for at least another week. By the way, his name is Zach and he seems to be a real nice fella. He comes from the northern territories and is about 8 feet tall. But he is so nice, he is forcing me to reexamine my natural aversion to tall guys.

Say, Dick, you're not tall, are you? You sound short to me.

--Your favorite lizardpuke, Bill