Opinion » Bill Cope

Ask Badger Bob

Snob Bob turns down a job

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Hey Badger Bob,

From what as near as I can tell, you are like a regular feller. Not a sissy animal:loving puke, which is what I mean. I even bet you've done have some hunting in you're time. I's right aren't I? I don't know what you're are doing hanging around that Cope puke for, but we fellers here in the Anti-Wolf Coalition figure it's is because you're are related to him. I know how that goes. You can choice your friends but you can't not choice your family. Me, myself, have a younger brother what lives in Seattle. If he nots a mess, I don't not know whose is.

What's I want to ask is if you'll be our official spokesman for ours initiative deal. You probably have will heard of it. It says to get every wolf out of Idaho by what's every mean it takes, and that includes my favorite mean which is shooting them. I would have no compunctuation with shooting every wolf, personally. If they real are part of nature like the animal pukes say, they shouldn't not be. We don't needed that kind of nature in Idaho.

Did you know that it is just a matter of time till a hunter gets' eating by a pack of those Canadian wolves? The "land sharks," as my old huntering buddy Ron Gillette calls them, are already eating all ours elk and deer and herefords, so hunters are next. Just a few couple weeks ago, there was a man out in the woods whats walking his dog and wolves were stalking him he thinks. They're probably would have eaten him, if not they were so full of elk and deer meat. Which should have been eaten by hunters instead of those rotten Canadian wolves. Did you know that its' is us hunters what's hunting license money what pays for those elk and deer, not the wolve's money. So if anybody should be eating Idahos elks and deers, it should be Idahos' hunters, not stinking rotten Canadian wolves.

But we need an official spokesman to do the spoking for us and write ours press releases to the press. Ron Gillette does a pretty good job of spoking our message out, but he's not a media-savvy person as yourself is. We believe you would do a good job because 1) you have a name which sounds like you mean business 2/ you are not a sissy puke I hope, 3: you have experience writing things on paper and 4} I can't think of what 4 is.

Anyway, woulds you be our official spokeman? It doesn't not pay, but you could helps us shoot the wolves if it passes and you could get to hang around regular fellers for a change. Contact me, Wolverine Jim, ASAPCA at wolverinejim@fedssuck.org.

Hey back, Wolverine Jim,

Received your kind offer but afraid I must decline. While I'm certain you fellers at the Anti-Wolf Coalition would be funner'n hell to hang out with, I am already involved in a number of initiative drives and I don't feel I have time to do yours justice.

First if not foremost is the Anti-Squirrel Initiative that is vital for the safety of our urban outdoorsmen. I tell you, the squirrels are going through Idaho's peanuts like bushy-tailed sharks through a school of Brady fish. That's what I call them: "Tree Sharks." Or sometimes, "Branch Piranhas." Miniature grizzlies, that's what they are, and they aren't even Idaho squirrels, did you know that? They were brought here from places like England and Tennessee and Vermont by squirrel-loving pukes and forced down our throats.

Furthermore, I'm convinced it's just a matter of time until a North Ender gets taken down by a gang of the little bastards. After all, there are only so many bird feeders for them to raid, peanuts to pilfer, desiccated corn cobs to gnaw on ... and then what? Not a week ago, a guy over on Hays Street was walking his Shih Tzu and three of the beasts started chattering at him. You heard me ... chattering at him! What's it going to take? A school kid being dragged into an elm tree by 50 or 60 vicious monsters?

I'm also instrumental in an initiative drive that, if it passes, would eliminate all potentially life-threatening elements from Idaho's wild lands. For instance, hills. How many hunters will have to keel over from a fat-induced heart attack before we realize it would have never happened had not there been a goddam hill in the way?

And rocks. All true mountain men know how dangerous rocks can be. 'Specially those mossy rocks. They're the worst. Stinking mossy rocks.

Then there's the matter of water. I maintain water has no place in Idaho. Most of it isn't native to our state, anyway--it sneaks across the border from god-knows-where or worse yet, sissies introduce it from places like Evian and Aquafina--and how many lives could we save if there were no place to drown? Especially after slipping off a stinking mossy rock into a rotten alpine lake?

But as a hunter, you'll be particularly happy to know that I am circulating a petition for an initiative that would eliminate once and for all the greatest peril to hunters there is or ever will be: Hunters!

Hills and mossy rocks and water account for a only a fraction of the tragic deaths we see in the hunter population every year. And like you, I'm convinced that someday, somewhere, a wolf will almost maybe certainly eat an Idahoan--particularly if that wolf stumbles across a dead one that rolled down some stinking, rotten hill.

But by far the greatest threat to Idaho's hunters are Idaho's hunters. How many times must we hear of Joe 30-30 mistaking his hunting companion for an eight-point buck? How many times must we hear of Joe 30-30, after insisting his weapon is unloaded, "accidentally" blowing his own head off as he throws his stuff into his rig? And never forget, just because a man knows how to crap in the woods and open a Bud long-neck with his teeth doesn't mean he's a natural part of nature.

Don't you see, Wolverine Jimmy? There's only one way for you he-men to be totally, 100 percent safe out there in the wilderness. Don't go! And my initiative would make it easy for you not to go. In fact, if my initiative is approved by the voters in November, you would be helped in not going by whatever means necessary. I'm distributing a bumper sticker that says it best: SAVE A HUNTER! SHOOT A HUNTER!

Sorry I don't have time to help out on your initiative drive, Wolverine. But at least we're on the same page. Nothing's more important than keeping us regular fellers safe and sound, am I right? (Incidentally, "page"... that's something you find in a "book." Or am I getting too complicated for you?)