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Ancient Aliens: Soon to be Teleporting the Shark

History Channel show not so historical

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If Seinfeld ran out of ideas, a documentary series that purports to provide evidence of interstellar travelers visiting Earth thousands of years ago will lose momentum, too. But the History Channel's Ancient Aliens was renewed for a third season.

The premise--that antiquated cultures were more advanced than ours--is fundamentally ridiculous. It's kind of like sitcoms that feature kids who are smarter than their parents. In real life, they aren't--just as, in real life, Mayan "technology" pretty much encompassed Neolithic chiseling.

But people love magical explanations, and Ancient Aliens panders accordingly. One theory deals with hieroglyphic portrayals of human-animal hybrids and creatures wearing what appear to be space helmets. Future anthropologists studying the ruins of Disneyland could similarly announce, "Some believe various depictions demonstrate evidence that mice owned dogs and that ducks were once sailors."

Among the History Channel's postulations so far: Construction of the Great Pyramids was aided by aliens, aliens helped us get to the moon and the Third Reich rediscovered ancient alien technology to create "mercury-powered, anti-gravity flying machines." (They may have just been airplanes. If not, though, the results of Germany's attempts at world domination seem to indicate that the Nazi space magic didn't work very well.)

It's difficult to imagine where the show goes from here--the big things have all been covered--and how the meetings for the third season went.

"So what do you have?"

"Well, we're gathering evidence to suggest toasters were given to humanity by Xythuu, minister of the Skurilvian federation of galaxies."

"Toasters?"

"Yup--pretty cool, huh?"

What if the conspiracy theorists are right? What if the Egyptian pyramids are massive power plants/time machines, and meanwhile, we're wondering just how far off the deep end Charlie Sheen will eventually go? Maybe it's time to pay more attention to Ancient Aliens.