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A Gnome Returns Home

Jack "The Roaming" Gnome has come back from his adventure ... or was it something more sinister?


For those who have been following Jack "The Roaming" Gnome's adventures in these pages over the last month, the tale has finally come to an end. For those who haven't a clue as to this little misadventure, let's catch you up.

Friday, April 22

Sometime during the evening hours as attendees to a soiree at the Barneses' emptied out the front door, a little looser than when they arrived, a garden gnome that had been sitting on the front steps of the residence went missing. Papa Bingo had warned the Spawn to return the gnome from his semi-hidden home amongst the strawberries after they gave him a bath that afternoon, but alas, he was left exposed on the steps, and he proved to be too tempting a target.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

The first "Lingo Yarns" on this subject appears in Boise Weekly.

"I've got a sad little garden gnome in my yard. You see, his partner-not in a gay gnome way, but simply a gnome friend­-went missing over the weekend. We're not sure if he was kidnapped or left of his own accord. Perhaps he's suffering from some form of gnomish Alzheimer's and has simply lost his way, but, unfortunately, I fear the worst. Most likely he was taken against his will-cruelly removed from his home in my strawberry patch near the front door. He may still be alive, either held for ransom (a note hasn't arrived), held for pleasure (I cannot bear the thought of my little gnome becoming somebody's gimp), or perhaps already dead-his body dismembered into tiny little pieces of stone."

Bingo then requests that those responsible or those with information come forward. No one does.

Saturday, April 30, 2005

While away on a trip, a yardsign appears at the Barnes residence, which says "Gnome Gneglector." They discover that the missing gnome's gname is Jack and his friend's gname is Luther. Gnot gnowing their own gnome's gnames, perhaps the Barneses are guilty of being gnome gneglectors.

Attached is a note reading ...

"Deer Bingo,

"You think you like sitting around looking cute? Well, let me tell you, that strawberry patch gets boring. Gno more Mr. Gnice Gnome for me! U'll have to get your own garden magic-I gneed some adventure. And how do you know the nature of Luther's and my's relationship anyway? Maybe we are gay.

"Your ex-garden gnome, Jack.

"P.S. Tell Luther not to be so morose­-he could have come with me. Let's keep in touch."

Sunday, May 1, 2005

A picture with an attached gnote appears under the Boise Weekly office door.

It reads ...

"Deer Bingo,

"I read your Lingo thing. Too bad you don't gnow what you've got till it's gone. No attention while I sat lonely-winter, summer, whatever-doing the garden gnome thing. I'm having fun out here. You should see some of the ammenities my new friends have in their garden. Tell Luther hello. I think he's upset with me.

"Love, Jack 'the having fun' Gnome

"P.S. Tell the kids I miss them the most."

Tuesday, May 3, 2005

Another gnote is left upon the windshield of Bingo's truck as it is parked outside the Boise Weekly offices in the late evening. Accompanied with a photo of another gnome on a Harley and Jack sitting on a Boise Weekly bus bench. It reads,

"Deer Bingo,

"Everybody reads your paper! You should write an article about public transportation around here. It's a good thing I can just appear where I want to. I waited here forevr but the bus gnever came. Thought you might want to see my friend's gnew ride. His humans really know how to show appreciation.

"Love, Jack on the road"

Friday, May 6, 2005

Bingo finds a mysterious package on the steering wheel of his truck, which is parked in front of his residence. (Bingo now locks his truck every night.) Inside is a CD with a PowerPoint presentation with photos of Jack "The Roaming" Gnome's adventures. (Go to this story online at to see all of Jack's adventure photos.)

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Arriving at the office in the morning, the staff discovers a package. Inside, is a bus station locker key. The envelope reads ...

"Deer Bingo,

"I got you something, but you better hurry. I borrowed $1 from a gnice lady on the bus and put it in a locker at the bus station. It only lasts 24 hours.

"Love, Jack 'the Sneaky' Gnome"

Bingo and the publisher arrive at the bus station in a clandestine mission to retrieve what is inside the locker. They carefully open it, inspecting the locker for booby-traps. A lone gentleman waiting for a bus asks us them if they are doing a drug deal. They admit it looks suspicious and when they tell him a gnome left a package for them, he looks at them with a sideways glance and says, "Right."

The packaged is returned to the office, where it is opened. Two t-shirts with photos of Jack are inside, along with a brown paper bag filled with buttons that say "Gnome Gneglector." One XL T-shirt, obviously meant for Bingo, with Jack's mug on it reads, "How could you?"

In "Lingo Yarns," Bingo apologizes for gnot providing a gnurturing environment for the gnomes. He vows to do better. He writes, "Jack, if you are reading this, since you left, I've worked on improving the garden, pulling weeds, planting flowers and making it a 'happy' place once again. Now, I've even taken it a step further. To atone for my previous sins, I have decided to establish Bingo's Home for Wayward Gnomes. It will be a sanctuary in my magical garden for all gnomes, elves, pixies, and other fairy folk. There they will find other assorted folk of their same ilk, as well as flowers and non-magical creatures such as cats and toads. In addition, there will be gnome bowling, gnome barbecues, a jacuzzi and, most important, the special magic of children. And I'll pick up all the dog poo."

Saturday, May 14, 2005

An easel with a picture allegedly drawn by Jack shows up on the Barnes's front steps sometime between midnight and 3 a.m.

The attached note reads ...

"Deer Bingo,

"I like your ideas for the yard. I thought you might like to see some of mine. Even tho its' been good, it's gnot all fun and games out here. I've had a bit of trouble lately. I think I mite be a little too gnaive. I'll fill you in more later.

"Love, Jack 'the Away From Home' Gnome"

Bingo begins to have suspicions that Jack is not on a "walkabout" but perhaps kidnapped and being forced to write these gnotes. He discovers gnome porn on the Internet. He thinks it might be the Garden Gnome Liberation Front.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

A package is discovered on the Barneses front doorstep. It contains an article titled "Gnorth End Gnotes" allegedly written by Narnia Jones "Investigative Reporter"-an obvious alias.

The article relates a tale of an alleged gnome conspiracy going on in the Gnorth End with the codename "Gnomoroma." At the bottom of the article is mysterious letters and numbers. It reads, "P3; w14, P4; w44, P4; w10, P3; w14," Bingo believes it to be a code of some sorts but is unable to figure it out until later, when his worst fears are realized. The deciphered text reads, "We have your gnome."

(Read Narnia Jones' coded article online at

Monday, May 22, 2005

A package is left inside the Boise Weekly newsstand at the office. Inside is another CD with a presentation of Jack's adventure and two more T-shirts with Jack's picture on them for the Spawn. The pictures depict Jack's journey getting really weird, being attacked by animated toys and being arrested for littering.

Wednesday, May 24, 2005

Hanging on the doorknob at the Boise Weekly is a package and a gnote. The package contains another CD with very dark and disturbing pictures of Jack's misadventure, including being attacked by a chainsaw-wielding football player. There is also a gnote, allegedly from Jack, saying he wants to come home. Bingo and the publisher are told to meet him at the Neurolux on Friday, at 6:30 p.m. They are instructed not to send spies and "Gno funny stuff."

Friday, May 25, 2005

Bingo, the publisher and the publisher's assistant arrive at Neurolux dressed in their Kung Fu outfits ready for a fight to rescue Jack. They see Jack sitting at the bar enjoying a beer. After ordering up a couple cocktails and a PBR for themselves, they begin looking around the bar for suspicious characters. They spy two shady, beady-eyed cats sitting at the far end of the bar and confront them. They claim to be only go-betweens and have gno gnowledge of anything. We share a beverage, cautious and suspicious of their behavior and move on. Later, in private, Jack tells Bingo that they suspicious characters were his kidnappers and that the whole thing was a set-up made to make it look like he left of his own accord.