Opinion » Bill Cope

17 Ways To G.A.G.

With his HCUL and her KUD, it's BM magic, baby


To: bill i cee

Subject: new KGAG direction

I have been added to the G.A.G. Media Group's "Keeping Up" Division (KUD) to help refreshen the GAGNews@5&10 brand and pump up our Youth Interface Potential (YIP). Our news programming has fallen far behind in the race to keep up. The latest Idaho Venue Position Evaluation Directory (IDVEPEVDI) gives GAGNews@5&10 a pathetic +3/.3Qª positional share. Even The Senior News has a +4/.2ª share, and from what I have been told, they don't even have a KUD!

It has fallen upon me to develop strategies--or what I call Start!-egies--to bring GAGNews@5&10 up to its full potential as a forceful presence among overall Boise Media (BM). I am convinced the solution to our sagging trendline is to accelerate our A.I.R. (Auxiliary Indexing Ratio). Though you might not be acquainted with the A.I.R. paradigm, you have undoubtedly noticed its imprint. A.I.R. will infix users to a venue's content by emphasizing a broad array of, what I call, la compendia d' artifactum. Or as you would call them, lists.

You've surely seen them on Buzzfeed.com, Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, Gawker, Cosmo. Lists of the summer's best movies; the summer's worst movies; 32 Diaper Options For Prince George; 19 Superfoods To Vigorize Your Sex Life; 7 Reasons to Own a Storage Shed--lists are, to what I call, the "Cloud" generation what Walter Cronkite was to my great-great-granddad's generation.

List saturation has proven to be a mega-motivator of younger users' attention away from old-school media venues such as newspaper print and the traditional Q&A reporting. My YIP Start!-egy is to influx intensive metro-buzz indexing energy into GAGNews@5&10. There is no lose-lose on how much a, what I call, "Kick-Ass Producing Team" (KAPT) can convert to list format.

Every broadcast will start with a list, end with a list, with liberal listing material ingrained throughout. I'm just off-topping here, but consider: "12 Ways To Keep Toddlers Out of Irrigation Canals" as a lead-in, while something on a lighter note--e.g,"5 Marshmallow Makes For S'more Madness." For the weather segment, "Cumulus or Cirrostratus: 11 Key Differences." And for sports: "16 Bronco Starters You Should Know By Name."

My Start!-egy has been approved by my mid-level peeps. All I need to go ahead with this A.R.B. (Awesome Re-Boot) is a good KAPT. bill i cee, I intuit from your moniker mutating choices that you are, what I call, a "Hyper-Creatomatronic Up-Loader" (HCUL). Let's you and I do a java face-to-face and co-share some input on what it would take to get your HCUL on board.

Alanah Bronahnah, KGAG

Return: Alanah Bronahnah

Subject: new KGAG direction

Dear Alanah,

You have me confused with another bill i cee. I understand he is a local performance artist known for piercing his flesh with mobile devices, thereby transforming himself into a poetry-reciting collection of apps. Not for the faint of heart, I hear. I can't imagine how my email address got mixed with his, but we are easy to tell apart, as he calls himself bill i cee, and I call myself Bill Cope.

However, this is not to say I wouldn't be delighted to join your KAPT. I have indeed noticed the trend to turn everything into a list and I agree: pointless groupings of trivial fluff do seem to typify what you call the "Cloud" generation, just as Cronkite represented, what I call, the "As Good As It's Ever Likely Gonna Get" generation.

I have thrown together a few preliminary compendia d'artifactum titles to demonstrate I super-hip to the A.I.R. paradigm. Consider them free thought droppings from my creatomatron, hah-hah: "17 Best Reasons To Skip Adam Sandler Movies"; "17 Ways to Get To Oregon Without Having to Go Through Canyon County"; "17 Amazing Side-Boob Pics of First Ladies, from Eleanor Roosevelt to Barbara Bush"; "17 Ways to Poison a Tapeworm Without Killing Yourself"; "17 Most Adorable Still-Living Kittens You've Seen Today"; "17 ex-Mouseketeers Who Have Not Spent Time in Jail."

When we do a face-to-face, I will have more titles prepared. And never mind that every list starts with the same number. It's simply a generic figure I pulled out of my creatomatron, and once I've been added to your KAPT, I will do real research and fill out the titles with however many items I can steal from the Internet.

I should warn you, Ms. Bronahnah, that bill i cee and I are different in many ways, not the least of which is that he is 23 years old, and I am, uh, somewhat older than that. Yet I still consider myself a Hyper-Creatomatronic Up-Loader--or whatever that would be equivalent to in real talk--and would welcome the opportunity to influx some of that intensive metro-buzz indexing energy. Sounds like a hoot.--Yours Truly, Bill Cope