Monday, April 13, 2015

Mr. Cope's Cave: Dear Pres ... er, Mrs. Clinton

Posted By on Mon, Apr 13, 2015 at 3:49 PM

Mr. Cope's Cave: Dear Pres ... er, Mrs. Clinton, 

I know you must have 40 tons of mail to get through, so I'll make this short. Just wanted to say how happy I am you're in it for good, and go get 'em!

Actually, I was hoping to have a big spectacular deal written up for when you entered the race because I am !!!SOOOO EXCITED!!! you are going to be our next president, and don't let any of those shrimpy dorks on the Republican side tell you any different, but ... well, to be honest, since when I heard you were going to make you're announcement Sunday, it's been sort of a rough crappy week. I spent most of it sick with some irritating crud that had me blowing my schnoz every 30 seconds. And then by Friday, I was feeling better so I went out and spent about three hours on my garden tiller, which just shook the holy crap out of me because I'm trying to break some ground that, unbeknownst to me, had turned into concrete over the winter. And then I got sick again, only worse than I was before, and then Sunday rolled around and you made your announcement, which I didn't hear because I spent most of the day in bed except for the trip I took to buy some seed spuds which I haven't gotten planted yet because I felt so punky, and then today rolled around and the big spectacular deal I had hoped to write up for you didn't exactly get written.

Except for this.

And I guess down deep, I'm glad you probably won't be reading this yourself because now that I've written enough to re-read, I can see that it's sort of pathetic and about as spectacular as a drippy schnozz, and I hope you don't think this is the best I can do if you somehow do read it because I know I can do better. And to be honest with you, I've been sort of hoping you would somehow ... like, by a weird miracle ... read the big spectacular deal I'd hoped to write and then you'd get in touch with me and ask if I would give you a hand with your Inauguration Address, which I am !!!SOOOOO EXCITED!!! you'll be giving even if I don't get chosen to write it, which I'm sure I won't be if this is all you ever read of what I've written. I shouldn't even put it on the Internet on the off chance you are Googling yourself and come across it. But I have to because what with all the punky schnozz dripping and getting the holy crap shaken out of me and the hoping I could come up with a big spectacular deal written thing for your announcement and seed spuds sitting around waiting to get planted, this is the only thing I've gotten written all weekend. So on the Internet it goes, pathetic or not, because it's all I got.

By the way, I don't think Googling yourself would be a very good idea. The shrimpy dorks are being as nasty to you as they can be and it's going to get a lot worse before you're elected President. 
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Monday, April 6, 2015

Mr. Cope's Cave: Worth A Try... Isn't It?

Posted By on Mon, Apr 6, 2015 at 4:49 PM

Hey gang, I have an idea. What say we all call our Sens. Mike Crapo and Jim Risch and ask them not to take part in trying to screw up President Barack Obama's agreement with Iran? You know?... so we don't end up going to war over there again and killing a bunch of their people and getting a bunch of our people killed? I bet they'd listen, don't you? I mean... why wouldn't they listen to the people who vote them into office and pay them some purdy darn good money to piddle around in Washington, D.C., drinking vodka toddies at those swank parties so as to relieve all that stress they get from feeling like they just have to go to all those swank parties?

And I don't think this is one of those things that regular Democrats and regular Republicans can never, ever agree on, do you? I mean... are you telling me that my regular Republican neighbors here in Idaho really, really want to get into another war in the Middle East?... waste all that money, all those lives?... especially since it's not my regular Republican neighbors who get all that campaign money from the weapons manufacturers and Israel too, probably, to make damn sure we never, ever find even a small measure of peace in that part of the world? I mean... why would my regular Republican neighbors here in Idaho not join with my regular Democrat neighbors and expect Sens. Crapo and Risch to actually stand on their own two feet this time?... to not be factory-stamped little McConnell monkeys spouting the same insipid shit about Neville Chamberlain and how Obama's caving to the Nazi Mullahs and how weak Obama is, all that crud that started vomiting from every Republican mouth with a camera on it from the minute the agreement was announced? I mean... it's almost as though the GOP response was planned long before there even was an agreement, isn't it ... and no matter what was decided, they would all be saying the same insipid shit?

I mean... don't you suppose just once?... just once, in their entire worthless careers?... Sens. Crapo and Risch could be their own men and not let themselves become just two more segments in the Republican human centipede?... especially since not three weeks ago, they made traitorous fools out of themselves by signing that letter threatening Iran that they would back out of anything our president accomplished?... and since they've spent their entire worthless careers bragging how they are these square-jawed independent Idaho hombres who would never become part of that damned Washington establishment Idaho politicians are so fond of cursing whenever election time rolls around, don't you suppose there's a chance?... no matter how infinitesimal, no matter how desperate?... that on something this vital, this serious, they might act like adult men and not Mitch McConnell's page boys, and do something in everybody's interest and not just their cronies back there in Washington?

I mean... everybody in the world seems to think we got a purdy darn good deal out of this, an "amazing" deal by most estimates... and I mean everybody but the Republican insipid shit centipede and Benjamin Netanyahu, at any rate... so isn't it at least possible that underneath all that posing and preaching and huffing and puffing about what pillars of principle they are, Sens. Crapo and Risch might ... just might... be hiding an authentic streak of independence we've never seen before? And wouldn't you think that with enough phone calls and letters and emails and all the things we could send them as concerned Idahoans, they could at least pretend they have backbones and just this f***ing once not be cowardly dicks whose entire worthless careers amount to nothing more than being part of the mob that exists only to screw with the black guy?

So what say, gang? Could we do this? Could we ever make a difference with the men who say they are our voice in Washington? Is there a chance in hell they would listen to us? Might our opinions, our actual voices, our desires for resolution and our hopes for peace, matter even one trillionth as much to Sens. Crapo and Risch as Mitch McConnell's and Benjamin Netanyahu's and all their Republican centipede establishment insipid shit cronies who would rather that thousands and thousands of human beings die least they allow Barack Obama even the smallest victory? Are they that f***ing small?

Watch... and learn.

Contact information:

Crapo, Mike, R-ID
Class III
239 Dirksen Senate Office Building, Washington, D.C., 20510
(202) 224-6142
Contact: www.crapo.senate.gov/contact/email.cfm

Risch, James E., R-ID
Class II
483 Russell Senate Office Building, Washington, D.C., 20510
(202) 224-2752
Contact: www.risch.senate.gov/public/index.cfm?p=Email

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Friday, March 27, 2015

Mr. Cope's Cave: Il Douche

Posted By on Fri, Mar 27, 2015 at 12:25 PM

I have spent most of this week trying to forget that America has fallen to such a sorry state that a despicable douche like Ted Cruz could be considered a serious presidential candidate—all to no avail. Trying to forget about Ted Cruz is like trying to forget that your sewer line has plugged, sewage is backing up into your basement, and your whole house smells like ... well, it's just hard to forget, let's leave it at that.

So yesterday, I took a new approach. I asked Okay, Bill, is this despicable douche so different from other despicable douches who have run for president in America's past? and I immediately felt better—somewhat. Truly, America's history is full of despicable douches who ran for the presidency—some of whom actually won. Andrew Jackson, for instance. Ol' "Twenty-Dollar-Bill" Andy, we call him—and by the way, I heartily support replacing his mug with anyone, male or female, who didn't perpetrate mass murder and genocide. (reference: "Trail of Tears-1831")

Aaron Burr ... now there's a despicable douche who ran for president as far back as 1800. He didn't win, but at the time, he was a far more viable candidate than anyone the modern Republican Party has offered up recently. He actually tied with Thomas Jefferson, and without the intervention of Alexander Hamilton, he might have been our third president. (reference: "U.S. Treasury Secretary killed in duel by U.S. Vice President.")

I admit, the GOP doesn't have a monopoly on despicable douches running for president. However, there does seem to be a heavy concentration, especially in the 20th Century, of despicable douche presidential candidates from the southern states. Strom Thurmond and George Wallace, both Democrats who ran as independents, were as douchey and despicable as a presidential contender can get, both running—1948 and 1968, respectively—on a platform to keep African-Americans in a perpetual hell of segregation.

While I don't consider Barry Goldwater a despicable douche, we have to concede he blazed the trail for dozens of despicable douches in the years since his run (1964). Richard Nixon, say. And Pat Buchanan. And of course, Ronald Reagan.

But it is in recent years that it has become a prerequisite for candidates of one whole political party to be despicable douches. Seriously, where would the Republican Party be today if it weren't for Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Rick Perry, Herman Cain, Huckabee, Trump, Bachmann, and, of course, George W. Bush? (I do not include Mitt Romney among these latter-day despicable douches. He is a douche, no doubt about that, but in my estimate, he's too dumb to be considered "despicable.")

So as you can see, when put in proper perspective, Ted Cruz is simply another in a long line, though he seems determined to take it to a new level. I know it's unfashionable to compare today's most reactionary figures to personalities from the good old days of fascism, but at a certain point, the similarities must be considered more than mere coincidence.

Should I continue to be worried he could actually win the nomination and the presidency? ... yes and no. I predict the Republican nominee will be the man who says the most deplorable, disgusting, dishonest and despicable things about Barack Obama. After all, that race hate is about all that's left of the Republican Party anymore, and Cruz is working hard to be the most offensive. So yes, with any momentum from the crazies of Iowa and the loons of New Hampshire, I could easily imagine him abandoning all decency and coming out of the GOP convention the Big Ugly.

But I have enough faith in the non-Republicans of this country to believe they would never elect a man so nakedly, cravenly ambitious—a man who has demonstrated repeatedly that he would sink this nation with his douchey tricks and greasy schemes, if only to grab attention and approval from the shuffling white trash of the Republican base.

Of course. my faith is contingent on non-Republicans being able to vote. And the shuffling white trash seems determined to prevent that from happening. (reference: "Voter I.D. Laws, Elimination of Polling Places in Democratic Precincts, Purging of Registered Voter Rolls, Restricted Early Voting, Closed Primaries, etc. ... etc.") 
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Friday, March 13, 2015

Mr. Cope's Cave: What's a Fella Gotta Do To Get a Traitor Thrown In Prison Around Here?

Posted By on Fri, Mar 13, 2015 at 12:03 PM

Or to be more precise... 47 of 'em. And yeah, I said "traitors." People who commit treason. People who betray their nation to a hostile power. Benedict Arnold types, Ethel and Julius Rosenberg types, Jonathan Pollard types. People so convinced they know better than the leaders we elect to conduct our affairs with other countries that they will pass information, give aid and comfort to those who hate us, and even sabotage delicate negotiations over something as critical as nuclear weapons. People who would scuttle all chances of a peaceful resolution to national differences, and choose war.

People like the 47 U.S. Senators who sold out to Iranian hardliners.

And in case you weren't clear on whether Idaho's Senators were among the traitors... yes, they were. You didn't think two spineless puffballs like Mike Crapo and Jim Risch would have the guts to do anything but go along with the mob, did you?

So the question is, what do we do about these backstabbing bastards who would shame our country, disrupt negotiations they have neither the brains nor talent to perform themselves, and betray our military into endless war?

OK, Mr. Republican, let me ask you this: What would you have recommended doing about a theoretical 47 Democratic senators who might have violated the Logan Act and written to the Taliban or Al Qaeda, telling them to never mind what George W. Bush was trying to do, because he wouldn't be in office for much longer?

Yeah. That's exactly what I'd like to do to these pricks.

There is a petition on the White House website gathering signatures to have treason charges brought against them. That's something you can do. And don't be discouraged over the fact that we live in a state where any kind of cowardly bum can be elected to the U.S. Senate. With a petition like this, we can join as an equal voice with the majority of Americans. You know, the majority that put Barack Obama in charge of doing what the bums are trying to undo.

I doubt the petition will accomplish what it's trying to accomplish, but who knows? Within a day after the news of this act of treason broke—it had already reached well over the 100,000 names required to get the administration to take action on it. And as of last night (Thursday) there were over a quarter-million signatures. If enough of us let it be known how criminal we regard these criminals to be, the Justice Department will have to react.

And wouldn't that be divine?... if the first thing Loretta Lynch does, after they reluctantly approve her as the new attorney general, would be to prosecute them for betraying the U.S.?

And were that to happen... were Mike Crapo and Jim Risch, along with 45 other backstabbing bum coward traitorous bastards, be charged and convicted of treason to the United States... then let us, as the people of the United States, insist that the punishment is commensurate with the crime. And if prison it be, let us insist the time they serve is commensurate with the damage they've done, which will last at least a lifetime.

And if there is war between the U.S. and Iran because diplomacy broke down as a consequence of this criminal act... and if even one American serviceman or woman dies because of that war... then let us insist that the punishment is commensurate with premeditated murder.
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Monday, February 16, 2015

Mr. Cope's Cave: Note to Netanyahu

Posted By on Mon, Feb 16, 2015 at 10:08 AM

Bibi, I won't be there either. At your little speech for Boehner and his bunch, I mean. In fact, even if I were a member of Congress, I wouldn't be there.

In faaaaact, even if I lived across the street from the Capitol Building, had free tickets to not only the address, but to a post-speech, open-bar reception with Beyonce doing the background music and barbecued caviar on the hors d'oeuvre trays and you were handing out the keys to brand new Cadillacs to everybody there, I still wouldn't go to your speech, because Bibi... I think you are a turd. A bullying turd.

And don't act like this is all because our president is naive about the danger represented by an Iran with nuclear capabilities. You don't have to be a bullying turd who's willing to resort to quasi-fascist policies in his own land to understand that there's no shortage of turds in Iran, too. But at least they aren't the sort of turds who insist on meddling in our country's internal affairs. They aren't the sort of turds who have been on the U.S. Defense Department dole for 60 years and still want to tell us who we can and who we can't negotiate with. They aren't the sort of turds who are more than happy to have American men and women risk life and limb fighting wars with your neighbors, while you carry on with your quasi-fascist policies—i.e., taking Arab lands for Jewish settlements and turning your own society into an apartheid nightmare for Palestinians—that will ensure your neighbors will be perpetually pissed off at you and everyone who supports you for generation after generation.

Here's the way I see it, Beeb. You've counted on America to pull your kebabs off the shish for so long, you've taken to acting as if you're some kind of fourth branch of our government. That you have veto powers over how we conduct our foreign affairs. That if how we interact with other nations in that part of the world doesn't meet the approval of the most reactionary factions in Israeli politics, you throw a fit.

Nuts to that, pal. You may have those bedimmed country cousins on our Religious Right fooled with all that Last Days/Temple of Jerusalem/ Battle of Armageddon booshwa, but a lot of us are thinking that if you want to continue being our BFF in the Middle East, you'd better start acting a little BFFier, yourself. No more spying on us, no more trying to influence our elections, and no more going behind our president's back to sabotage his negotiations with Iran!

Get this straight, Bub. Obama is trying to avoid another military involvement over there, to avoid the McCain option—"Bomb bomb bomb... bomb bomb Iran..." remember?—and I believe that even with the divisiveness in our politics, he's got the majority of us behind him. The last thing sane Americans want is another goddamn endless war in the desert, this time against an army half-a-million-strong from a country bigger than Iraq and Afghanistan put together. Like things aren't fucked up enough over there already?

So you want our foreign aid? You want our advanced weapons systems? You want our unqualified support? Then stop acting like you're entitled to them, and stop treating our president like you see that turd Boehner and his turd majority treat him, or you can figure out what to do about Iran by yourself. And ISIS. And Syria. And Iraq, and Yemen, and North Africa, and Al Qaeda, and all the rest of that shit heap on top of which our alliance with your country has landed us.

And by the way, if it's Iran's as-of-yet-nonexistent nuclear weapons you're so worried about, perhaps you might consider getting rid of a few of the dozens of very-real nukes you have in your arsenal. After all, I'm pretty sure it's not just Israelis who want to feel like they won't be wiped off the face of the earth anytime soon.

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Monday, January 26, 2015

Mr. Cope's Cave: American Sniping

Posted By on Mon, Jan 26, 2015 at 10:50 AM

Oh for God's sake! Can't you get through a whole damn week without coming over here to bug me?

Well I'm sorry, Mr. Cope. But stuff keeps coming up and I want to get your take on it. 

Why? Don't you have a "take" on it yourself?

Sort of, yeah. But my takes are pretty much like everyone else's takes.

So, are you saying my takes are more interesting than other people's?

Um... either more interesting or more stupid. Sometimes I can't tell the difference.

Well thank you, Sonny. I'd hate to think I was getting predictable. So what's come up that you want my take on?

OK then, it's about this Deflategate...

No! Absolutely not! Uh-uh! I will not waste my time on another f***ing football controversy.

But the Super Bowl is this weekend, and this is an important thing to think about, don't you think? I mean, we're talking about the biggest, most spectacular event to happen every year in America, and one of the teams in it might be cheaters. Don't you think that's worth thinking about?

OK, Junior, here's what I think. They should either call off the f***ing Super Bowl, or delay it, pending the results of the investigation.

That's just stupid!

Ah! How do you know it's not just interesting? I thought you said you couldn't tell the difference.

Well I could that time. They couldn't call off the Super Bowl. Or delay it, either. All that money and planning and... and advertisements and ticket sales and plane reservations and half-time preparations and... why, it's... it's just stupid to think they could change that in any way without, like... like...

Without tearing a huge rip in the fabric of our economics, our entertainment habits, our society itself and the expectations we have of it functioning smoothly without us personally having to sacrifice anything in the pursuit of truth and justice?

Yeah. Something like that.

So the fact that someone might have cheated to get there turns into a relatively minor matter in comparison with the damage it would do should there be an appropriate punishment commensurate with the lip service our society pays to the concepts of honor and integrity and fair play?

Uuuuh... yeah. I think that's what I think.

OK, then. We're back to me not giving a shit about Deflategate any more than the most ardent football fan, since my opinion, or anyone else's, has no meaning or import whatsoever when it concerns something as indispensable to life as we know it as the f***ing Super Bowl, right? So let's move on to whatever's next on your list?

Um, OK. So who do you think is right in that movie controversy?

You mean Selma? Or the Cumberbatch movie?

No no. I mean the sniper movie. Do you think it's an anti-war statement that disrespects our military guys? Or that it's a jingoistic, propaganda piece that makes a hero out of a cold-blooded killer?

I haven't seen it yet. Come back in a year or so, after it's shown up on one of the cable stations and I don't have to pay 10 bucks to see it.

But nobody will care about the controversy in a year or so.


Gosh darnit, Mr. Cope. Sometimes you aren't any help at all.

Look, Scooter, all I can say is that over my adult lifetime, there have been several war movies that raised the same damn controversy. Take The Deer Hunter... some saw it as a justification for the Vietnam War. Others, myself included, saw it as an incredibly powerful anti-war statement. Coming Home, Apocalypse Now, Platoon, Patton, Catch 22... they all raised the same themes and the same ambiguity. I'd say the only thing most people are ever going to take away from a movie is what they carried into that movie in the first place.

So you don't think anyone is right about it?

No, that's not quite what I'm saying. Somebody is probably right. And when, and if, I ever see the movie, I'll undoubtedly decide for myself who I think that was. Of course, it won't change a thing about whether the movie itself was right or wrong about the Iraq War. What we should be thinking about is whether the war itself was right or wrong, and if it was wrong, who should face justice for getting us into the goddamn thing in the first place. Of course, that'll never happen.

You don't think so?

Nope. No more than I expect them to call off the Super Bowl because someone cheated and then lied about it.

Because it would tear a big hole in our fabric, and all that?

That, and because if Americans are consistent on anything, it's that we preach honor, integrity and fair play far more than we actually work to achieve honor, integrity and fair play.

That's pretty cynical, Mr. Cope.

So, does the cynicism make it more interesting, or more stupid?

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Monday, December 8, 2014

Mr. Cope’s Cave: Good Times?

Posted By on Mon, Dec 8, 2014 at 12:00 PM

I have some more Xmas music for you, but first… how about them gas prices, eh?

And listen, isn’t it something how the Dow Jones is on the cusp of busting 18,000?

Oh, and the employment numbers! Three hundred, twenty-one thousand new hires in just the past month! Goodness gracious, gets any better than this and even those conjoined assholes Boehner and McConnell may have to admit things are going pretty good.

Of course, by now you must have heard that the rise of health care costs is the slowest it’s been in something like 50 years. And that the number of uninsured Americans dropped by 30 percent since 2013? Thirty-percent in one year! And that a resounding majority of those who’ve signed up for Obamacare are perfectly happy with the coverage they’re getting? Who’d o’ thought, huh?

Also, if you’ll allow me to mention just one more significant indicator, it turns out almost 75 percent of Americans—shall we say, the non-shitting-their-pants Americans?—think President Obama’s executive order on immigration is either good as is, or didn’t go far enough. Hah!

Yes sir, I’d say that even if we aren’t on the best track possible, we’re on one that ain’t half bad.

By golly, this all gives me an idea. Before we go to the Xmas music, what say we invite all the Obama-hating, conspiracy-spewing, right-wing hysterics—shall we say, the shitting-their-pants Americans?—to contemplate, however briefly, how smoothly things are running? Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Conservative, I’m asking you, for however long you can manage, to quit shitting your pants over the horrid things President Obama has done for this nation, and savor this moment. To put aside (temporarily, mind you) your manic obsessions, your fevered delusions, your demented brain quivers, and appreciate the economic reality as it stands today, Monday, Dec. 8, 2014, after six years of the smartest, most thoughtful, best president we’ve had since the last Democratic president, and in spite of all of your expectations of massive failure and apocalyptic ruin.

Next, I’m going to ask you to do your darnedest to remember this reality for more than just a few days. I know it’s going to be tough on those little noggins of yours. I mean, it’s not like your kind is known for sustained historical awareness, is it? But if you don’t have a long-term memory—as I suspect you don’t, or how else could you end up a conservative?—maybe you should write yourself a note and stick it somewhere you’ll find it later.

And by “later," I mean two years from now, after your precious Republican Party has gone to work on absolutely nothing except for its goal to throttle every single thing a far, far superior American has done or will do until the end of his presidency.

So can you do that one little thing for me? And look, I’m not asking that you stop being such whiny, teeth-gnashing douches forever. Goodness no, that would be like expecting a rabid rat to quit gnawing on its own tail. All I want is for you to remember this one day, with its undeniable trends of recovery and promise, and compare it to another day, as yet to be named, two years hence, after the ignorant goons you elected last month screw up everything they touch.

Do you think you can manage that?

Okay then, let’s go to the Xmas music. And you, Mr. and Mrs. Conservative, may return to shitting your pants.

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Monday, November 17, 2014

Mr. Cope’s Cave: Oohing and Aahing

Posted By on Mon, Nov 17, 2014 at 10:17 AM

Mr. Cope, I’ve been looking back over your old blogs and columns, and I can’t find any mention of honoring our veterans. Did you just forget?… or what?

No, I didn’t forget. I just figure the vets get plenty of attention without me joining the choir.

If you ask me, that sounds a little like you begrudge the honor our vets get.

First of all, Scooter, nobody asked you. And secondly, what the hell are you talking about? How does me choosing not to endlessly ooh and aah over our vets translate into me begrudging them all the oohing and aahing they do get?

See? Right there! The way you said that! You said “oohing and aahing over our vets” instead of “honoring our vets.” That sounds pretty darn sarcastic, don’t you think? Especially since you’re talking about the men and women who keep us free? 

Look, I said “oohing and aahing” because that’s what it sounds like to me, particularly when it’s coming from politicians who pretend that blabbing on about how great our vets are is actually doing something great for our vets. Or from insurance companies and mattress salesmen who make those slushy commercials to sell us on the idea we should all be buying their insurance or their mattresses because they claim to respect vets more than the next guy. You know the ones I’m talking about… where they offer free delivery or pancakes or something. Then there’s the one where they repeat “Thank you for your service” over and over, hoping that we rubes might think we’re somehow helping out vets when we buy their shit. It’s disgusting if you ask me. I’d like to see vets stand up to it and say Quit using us as your marketing shills! And while we’re on the subject, I’d like to see them stand up to the political pimps and say Quit stroking us with your phony damn ceremonies and parades and speeches and benefit concerts! Just give us the quality health care you promised, take care of our families like you said you would, and for God’s sake, quit sending our soldiers in to do all the dirty work for corporate imperialists!

But… but… they keep us free!

Sonny, I don’t have time or patience to discuss with you how big a threat a peasant uprising in Viet Nam 50 years ago was to American freedom. Or how close the island of Grenada or Manuel Noriega came to taking our liberty away. Or how energy drinks and texting will enslave more Americans than Saddam Hussein could have had he lived to be 200 years old and actually had a functioning navy that could get across the Atlantic. Let’s just say that for the past half-century, there’ve been a lot of vets who got killed and maimed and all PTSD-ed up over stuff that didn’t have a damn thing to do with our freedom. And it wasn’t their fault. They did what they were told to do like soldiers are expected to do. But let’s not confuse that with keeping us free. And let’s never use the futility of what they were told to do as an excuse not to honor our obligations to them for doing it.

So, if I have this right… you honor our vets, but not all the attention they get.

Yeah. You could say that. I have my doubts that grown, emotionally mature men and women… men and women who were brave and dedicated enough to join the military, by the way… need to be told every year, year after year, at least twice a year, how great they are and how grateful we are to them. I suspect all that… that…

Oohing and aahing?

Yeah, all that oohing and aahing is to help the oohers and aahers feel like they are doing something as heroic and noble as what the vets did. They’re like groupies, know what I mean? They want to be seen as part of something without actually doing what it takes to be part of it.

Mr. Cope, that’s pretty darn cynical, if you ask me.

Like I said, Junior… nobody asked you.
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Monday, November 10, 2014

Mr. Cope’s Cave: Truckin’-ulent

Posted By on Mon, Nov 10, 2014 at 11:15 AM

So, Mr. Cope? Are you feeling better? You sounded pretty down in your blog Friday.

I don’t wanna talk.

Gosh, Mr. Cope. That election was almost a whole week ago. You can’t go on being so depressed about it. “A fella’s gotta pick himself up and keep on truckin’,” That’s what my dad always says.

I don’t wanna talk. Go away.

Well… OK. I could do that. Oooo-r… we could work on that two-man play of ours. Stuff Mr. Cope Makes Up… you know? You’d probably feel a lot better if you made some stuff up.

Go away. I don’t wanna talk. I don’t wanna make stuff up. Go away.

Ah, Mr. Cope. You have to cheer up. I’m worried about you. And anyway, that election really wasn’t so bad if you just look at it another way.

How… in… the…hell!… can I look at it so that it’s not so bad?

Well… OK. Maybe you should just focus on what happened up in Lewiston. Democrats actually picked up a seat in the Legislature, did you know that? And it was because a Democrat beat a Republican incumbent in Lewiston. That should make you feel better, huh?

A little. Yeah. But not enough to wanna talk. Now go away.

Then how about you find some music to make you feel better. You like music, I know you do. All those dead musicians you’re always putting on your blog, you know? Well, why don’t you get some more of your favorite songs and stick them up for your readers to hear? It always makes people feel better about themselves when they share with others. Right?

Screw music. Screw my readers. Screw you. And go away. I don’t wanna talk.

Oh I see. It’s boo-hoo-hoo for Mr. Cope. Poor old Mr. Cope. Poor, pooooo-r old Mr. Cope. All he can do is cry and pout because one dumb election didn’t come out his way. Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

I repeat. Screw you.

Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! And now you know how all those Republicans felt after the 2008 election, don’t you? And the 2012 election, too. And what did you say to the Republicans back in 2008 and 2012 when they were boo-hoo-hooing all over the place?

I said “Screw them.”

Well don’t you suppose that’s what they are saying to you right now. “Screw you, Mr. Cope! You lost, you loser.” And don’t you suppose it makes them even happier to know you’re just moping around, boo-hoo-hooing all over the place? Don’t you suppose that’s part of what makes winning elections feel so great, because the winners can say “Screw you” to the losers? And don’t you suppose it would take away some of their happiness if they thought you were picking yourself up and keeping on truckin’?

Um… maybe.

And don’t you suppose that’s why it’s always going back and forth… you win, then they win, then you win again, then they win again… because each time someone loses, they pick themselves up and keep on truckin’?

Um… maybe.

And don’t you suppose that if you don’t pick yourself up and keep on truckin’, well then, they win forever.

Um… maybe.

And will that make you feel better?… to know they will win forever, all because you can’t do anything but boo-hoo-hoo all over the place, instead of picking yourself up and keeping on truckin’? Is that what you want?

Um… no.

OK then. So what are you going to do instead of boo-hoo-hooing all over the place? Huh?

I’m… uh… I guess… um… maybe I’m gonna pick myself up and keep on truckin’. I guess.

I can’t heeeeea-r you.

I’m gonna pick myself up and keep on truckin’.


I’m gonna pick myself up and keep on truckin’!



Al-righty, Mr. Cope! That’s the spirit! Now, do you have any comments on Mitch McConnell being the new Senate majority leader?

Guuuuuuuuuuh… go away. I don’t wanna talk.
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Friday, November 7, 2014

Mr. Cope’s Cave: Cometh the Dark Time

Posted By on Fri, Nov 7, 2014 at 9:37 AM

Nov. 4, 8:30 a.m.: I should tell you, I’m writing this Tuesday morning, Election Day. I want to get it done early because I suspect that I may spend the next three or four days puking.

No, I don’t feel like I’m coming down with a bug or something… not unless there’s a bug called the “Mitch McConnell Shits.” And if there’s not, there ought to be.

It’s just that if the expectations of so many political analysts are realized today, this election will bring forth two years of a circle of Hell unimagined by Dante. After all, how could a simple 14th century poet envision a purgatory filled with people who had willfully voted for their own damnation? How could he describe a Machiavellian monster like Ted Cruz rising into the ruling elite of a civilized society, 200 years before the real Machiavelli was born and 600 years before the first official fascism showed up? How could he ever imagine, living out his years in medieval Tuscany, that millions of citizens of a modern, educated nation would go so insane with racist-fueled rage that they would strike out at the very man whose achievements have elevated their shoddy lives, and choose to return to the septic Republican wasteland from which he lifted them?

Yes sir, for ol’ Dante’s sake, I’m glad he ‘s not around to see this.

Then again… it might not be so bad. We may see the reactionary dream of the total annihilation of democratic decency dashed to pieces on the rocky shore of voter turnout. We may see Mitch McConnell wallowing in his own excrement as Kentucky voters awaken at the last opportunity to the reality that the health care they love so madly actually came from the man they detest so irrationally. We may see the bubonic vermin left behind by the 2010 Tea Party Plague—still toxic in provincial fiefdoms from Florida to Wisconsin and from Kansas to Idaho, cast from office like the lying, larcenous scoundrels they have proved to be. We may see women and minorities flock like avenging seagulls to destroy the scourge of radical crickets (and cockroaches and bed bugs and blood-sucking ticks) that would devour the remaining shreds of the middle class like so much bagged lettuce.

I don’t pretend to know what news the day shall bring. But I want to be prepared for the worst. And as I’ve stated here before, “The Worst” always goes down better with music.

Therefore, I am sending along a video that from my perspective would reflect the obscene tragedy of a Republican-controlled Senate. You’ll recognize the tune, even if you may not have realized it was written by Chopin.

I’ll also include another piece. A happy piece. A joyous piece. A piece of hope and promise. You know… in case those political analysts turn out to be wrong. I don’t know what it is yet, but I have three days to find one.

Nov. 7, 8:30 a.m.: Spent the past two days looking for some music with hope and promise in it. Something that felt even a tiny bit happy or added even a drop of joy to my perspective.

Couldn’t find any, so fuck it.  
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