Mr. Cope's Cave: Junior! Where've you been?

by

Did you miss me?

Uh, in my own way... I suppose.

What way is that, Mr. Cope?

Well, I didn't miss you, not exactly. But I wondered where you were. And that's sort of like missing you, if not the same thing. It's like you get used to having something around, and then when it's not there, you wonder why.

So you've gotten used to having me around?

Uh, I suppose you could say that.

I'm touched.

Let's not make a big thing over it, okay? Now, where have you been for the last month?

Well, you seemed to be busy with that continuing series of yours... that "When Did You Go To Believing Your Legislators Couldn't Get Any Goofier?" series.

It's "Just When You Thought Your Legislature Couldn't Get Any Dumber...," but go ahead.

So you seemed to be so busy with it, I didn't think I ought to come over. But then on Monday, you said you were sick of it and didn't want to do it anymore, so I decided it was maybe okay to come over again and interview you.

Look, Scooter, it's not that I totally quit doing it. But it's overwhelming, know what I mean? It's almost impossible for one man to keep up with how damn dumb these goofballs are.

I'm sorry. It must be an awesome burden for you.

No shit! That's a great way of putting it. "An awesome burden." Like... before I can get done writing about one of 'em, another pops up that's even stupider. I feel like Lucy Ricardo in that one old episode.

You mean the one where she's trying to hide that thing from Ricky in the bathroom, and...

No no no. I mean the one where she's shoving chocolates in her mouth because they're coming too fast for her and Ethyl process.

Oh yeah. That one.

And just last week, before I could even finish the one on what that idiot Steve Vick said, that idiot Sheryl Nuxoll comes up with something even dumber. All that "false gods" and "this is a Christian nation" bullshit.

Uh-huh, I heard about that. So, Mr. Cope, do you think the Hindu gods aren't false?

Sonny, when you're an atheist, there ain't no such thing as a god that isn't false. But I don't give a damn what brand of voodoo any of these birds want to believe, as long as they don't try to tell me I'm living in a country where they represent the one, true Truth, and the rest of us are just, like, accidents, or something. Calling this a "Christian nation" is nothing more than another way of saying that only people like them should be running the whole show. And frankly, the more I hear some dumbshit like Nuxoll brag about how pure she is... too f***ing self-righteous to even listen to what that Hindu priest had to say... the less qualified I think she is to brush her own teeth, let alone sit in a governing body of a modern nation. And then there's the horseshit about the guns.

The horse... uh, poop?... about the guns?

Yeah, you know?... where these sniveling twits want to hang on to their exemption to the state's concealed carry laws simply because they are legislators.

But isn't it like that Barbieri guy says?... that they get nasty emails and calls and they're in greater danger than anyone else?

Screw Barbieri. He doesn't get any nastier emails than I've gotten over the past 20 years. And how does that exempt him from having to abide by the same laws everyone else does? But that's not the point, anyway. The point is, we're paying these wads $16,000... $17,000?? every year to come down from the hills and argue about whether they should get to tote heat under their cheap suits, just because not everyone in the state is madly in love with the f***ed things they do to us? I say, if they're that damn scared, maybe they should consider another line of civic involvement.

That sounds like it might be an episode in that other continuing series you do. That "Amazing Dumb Things Done by Gun Nuts" series.

It's "Unbelievably Stupid Things Gun Nuts Do," but yeah. You're right. And that gives me an idea for another continuing series.

About what?

I think I'd call it "Just When You Thought Your Unbelievably Stupid Gun-Toting Legislature Nuts Couldn't Get Any Dumber..."

That's an awfully long title, Mr. Cope.

Yeah... I might have to whittle it down some.