Mr. Cope's Cave: Note to Netanyahu

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Bibi, I won't be there either. At your little speech for Boehner and his bunch, I mean. In fact, even if I were a member of Congress, I wouldn't be there.

In faaaaact, even if I lived across the street from the Capitol Building, had free tickets to not only the address, but to a post-speech, open-bar reception with Beyonce doing the background music and barbecued caviar on the hors d'oeuvre trays and you were handing out the keys to brand new Cadillacs to everybody there, I still wouldn't go to your speech, because Bibi... I think you are a turd. A bullying turd.

And don't act like this is all because our president is naive about the danger represented by an Iran with nuclear capabilities. You don't have to be a bullying turd who's willing to resort to quasi-fascist policies in his own land to understand that there's no shortage of turds in Iran, too. But at least they aren't the sort of turds who insist on meddling in our country's internal affairs. They aren't the sort of turds who have been on the U.S. Defense Department dole for 60 years and still want to tell us who we can and who we can't negotiate with. They aren't the sort of turds who are more than happy to have American men and women risk life and limb fighting wars with your neighbors, while you carry on with your quasi-fascist policies—i.e., taking Arab lands for Jewish settlements and turning your own society into an apartheid nightmare for Palestinians—that will ensure your neighbors will be perpetually pissed off at you and everyone who supports you for generation after generation.

Here's the way I see it, Beeb. You've counted on America to pull your kebabs off the shish for so long, you've taken to acting as if you're some kind of fourth branch of our government. That you have veto powers over how we conduct our foreign affairs. That if how we interact with other nations in that part of the world doesn't meet the approval of the most reactionary factions in Israeli politics, you throw a fit.

Nuts to that, pal. You may have those bedimmed country cousins on our Religious Right fooled with all that Last Days/Temple of Jerusalem/ Battle of Armageddon booshwa, but a lot of us are thinking that if you want to continue being our BFF in the Middle East, you'd better start acting a little BFFier, yourself. No more spying on us, no more trying to influence our elections, and no more going behind our president's back to sabotage his negotiations with Iran!

Get this straight, Bub. Obama is trying to avoid another military involvement over there, to avoid the McCain option—"Bomb bomb bomb... bomb bomb Iran..." remember?—and I believe that even with the divisiveness in our politics, he's got the majority of us behind him. The last thing sane Americans want is another goddamn endless war in the desert, this time against an army half-a-million-strong from a country bigger than Iraq and Afghanistan put together. Like things aren't fucked up enough over there already?

So you want our foreign aid? You want our advanced weapons systems? You want our unqualified support? Then stop acting like you're entitled to them, and stop treating our president like you see that turd Boehner and his turd majority treat him, or you can figure out what to do about Iran by yourself. And ISIS. And Syria. And Iraq, and Yemen, and North Africa, and Al Qaeda, and all the rest of that shit heap on top of which our alliance with your country has landed us.

And by the way, if it's Iran's as-of-yet-nonexistent nuclear weapons you're so worried about, perhaps you might consider getting rid of a few of the dozens of very-real nukes you have in your arsenal. After all, I'm pretty sure it's not just Israelis who want to feel like they won't be wiped off the face of the earth anytime soon.