Mr. Cope’s Cave: Royal Pains


Don’t you wish William and Kate would come here, Mr. Cope?

Who come where?

Here. To Boise. William and Kate. Wouldn't that be neat?

And why would William and Kate want to come to Boise?

’Cause there’s a lot of cool stuff to do in Boise, that’s why. We have, like, lots of movie theaters. And places to go hear bands. And places to go eat. And, uh, we have hunting and fishing, and we have mountains and lakes and all kinds of things. They could go snowboarding. Did you ever think of that?

Bogus hasn't opened yet.

Yeah, but we got McCall for when Bogus is closed. Or if they don’t want to go snowboarding, they could… oh, I don’t know…. They could float the river. Everybody loves to float the river.

It’s winter, Melvin. Nobody loves to float the river in winter.

You’re missing the point, Mr. Cope. The point is, there’s a lot of neato things to do in Boise. Like… uh… oh, like the Christmas lights up at the Botanical Garden. How about that? And the zoo. Everyone loves to go to a zoo. Or the art museum. You can just tell by looking at them that William and Kate love art.

Now how can you tell that? What do you see in those pretty, bland, pasty faces that makes you think they love art?

You can’t see it? You can’t see all that sophistication?… that refinement … all that cultivation stuff! It’s in just the way they are, Mr. Cope. I’m telling you, William and Kate are what you get when generations of kings and queens are careful that their royal blood doesn’t get all gookyed up with just any old kind of riff-raff blood. They’re, like… oh, I guess you could say they’re the thoroughbred horses of the human world. Know what I mean? So of course they’re going to love art and classical music and ballet and all that crap.

Bub, they’re going to appear to love whatever they are scheduled to do. It goes with the job. In fact, it is the job… to look extremely interested in whatever they’re doing when the cameras are on them. On their own time, I suppose they can pick their noses and light their farts and watch Jerry Springer on the teevee. But when they’re out in public, it’s all theater, kid. And god knows, the Brits are good at theater.

I don’t know why you have to be so cynical, Mr. Cope. Isn’t it just enough to know that William can trace his dads and granddads all the way back to… uh, back to King Arthur, I guess. Can yoooou do that? Huh? That’s something kings and princes can do that makes them kings and princes, don’t you see that?

I can see kings and princes are the only ones who have plenty of reason to trace their dads and granddads back that far. Because if they can’t, there’s no justification for them to be the kings and princes, is there? And by the way, evidently you haven’t heard the news about Richard III.

What news? Who’s Richard III?

He’s the king who got his ass handed to him on Bosworth Field some 530 years ago. They found his body buried under a parking lot this last …

Waaaait a minute. Why would they have parking lots 530 years ago?

No, no, no. The parking lot wasn’t there 530 years ago. Just Richard. The parking lot came later. Anyway, they’ve run some DNA tests on old Richard’s remains, and they’ve found that somewhere along the way, your unbroken line of kings and princes had a run-in with some of that gookyed-up riff-raff blood.

So? What’s this mean? And what’s it got to do with William and Kate?

They don’t now for sure… not yet anyway… but what it might mean is that the whole royal family, from the queen right on down to little baby George, have no more claim to the throne of England than… than… Mr. Bean. Yeah, Mr. Bean.

Oh no! Don’t tell me thaaaaa-t!

Yup. It’s true. So do you still wish William and Kate would come to Boise?

Uuuuh… sure. I guess. There’s still a lot of neat things to do in Boise, even if he isn’t filled up totally with 100 percent royal blood. But I have to admit, it wouldn’t be quite as cool. You know… if he were just a regular normal person.

Percy, do you have any idea why you are so enthralled with all this William and Kate stuff? I just don’t get it… all these Americans going gaga every time the royals put on another show.

Wull, I can’t speak for all the others, but you have to understand, Mr. Cope, I wasn’t hardly born yet when Charles and Diane were the big thing. So my generation is just playing catch up with William and Kate. Get what I mean? 

Uh, that’s not exactly what I… ah, screw it. I guess I don’t really want to know why so many Americans are batshit over a monarchy. Besides, I have to get today’s Christmas music going, so…

Oh, yeah. Your Christmas music. So what’re you playing today?

It’s an album from that á cappella group I like so much. You know ‘em… The King’s Singers.

The Kiiiing’s Singers, huh? Isn’t thaaaat ironic?

What’s that supposed to mean?

You know what I mean. Iiii’m batshit for monarchy stuff, but you… Mr. Kings’ Singers lover… yoooou aren’t?

That’s pretty stupid, Junior.

Is it, Mr. Cope? Is it… reeeeal-ly?