Mr. Cope’s Cave: Good Times?

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I have some more Xmas music for you, but first… how about them gas prices, eh?

And listen, isn’t it something how the Dow Jones is on the cusp of busting 18,000?

Oh, and the employment numbers! Three hundred, twenty-one thousand new hires in just the past month! Goodness gracious, gets any better than this and even those conjoined assholes Boehner and McConnell may have to admit things are going pretty good.

Of course, by now you must have heard that the rise of health care costs is the slowest it’s been in something like 50 years. And that the number of uninsured Americans dropped by 30 percent since 2013? Thirty-percent in one year! And that a resounding majority of those who’ve signed up for Obamacare are perfectly happy with the coverage they’re getting? Who’d o’ thought, huh?

Also, if you’ll allow me to mention just one more significant indicator, it turns out almost 75 percent of Americans—shall we say, the non-shitting-their-pants Americans?—think President Obama’s executive order on immigration is either good as is, or didn’t go far enough. Hah!

Yes sir, I’d say that even if we aren’t on the best track possible, we’re on one that ain’t half bad.

By golly, this all gives me an idea. Before we go to the Xmas music, what say we invite all the Obama-hating, conspiracy-spewing, right-wing hysterics—shall we say, the shitting-their-pants Americans?—to contemplate, however briefly, how smoothly things are running? Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Conservative, I’m asking you, for however long you can manage, to quit shitting your pants over the horrid things President Obama has done for this nation, and savor this moment. To put aside (temporarily, mind you) your manic obsessions, your fevered delusions, your demented brain quivers, and appreciate the economic reality as it stands today, Monday, Dec. 8, 2014, after six years of the smartest, most thoughtful, best president we’ve had since the last Democratic president, and in spite of all of your expectations of massive failure and apocalyptic ruin.

Next, I’m going to ask you to do your darnedest to remember this reality for more than just a few days. I know it’s going to be tough on those little noggins of yours. I mean, it’s not like your kind is known for sustained historical awareness, is it? But if you don’t have a long-term memory—as I suspect you don’t, or how else could you end up a conservative?—maybe you should write yourself a note and stick it somewhere you’ll find it later.

And by “later," I mean two years from now, after your precious Republican Party has gone to work on absolutely nothing except for its goal to throttle every single thing a far, far superior American has done or will do until the end of his presidency.

So can you do that one little thing for me? And look, I’m not asking that you stop being such whiny, teeth-gnashing douches forever. Goodness no, that would be like expecting a rabid rat to quit gnawing on its own tail. All I want is for you to remember this one day, with its undeniable trends of recovery and promise, and compare it to another day, as yet to be named, two years hence, after the ignorant goons you elected last month screw up everything they touch.

Do you think you can manage that?

Okay then, let’s go to the Xmas music. And you, Mr. and Mrs. Conservative, may return to shitting your pants.