Mr. Cope’s Cave: What Am I Missing?


Scooter? Jesus! What happened to you?

I’ll be OK, Mr. Cope. I just had a rough night, is all.

Couldn’t sleep, huh?

Uh-uh. The concrete was too hard, my fanny was too cold, and the other 500 people there were too noisy.


At the WalBestTargBuyetMart. You know, the one you can see from the freeway.

That’s where you spent the night?

Most of it. I didn’t get there as early as I wanted because I went to the KohlbelaMaSearcys down by the mall for their Black Friday Eve Red-Tag Bonanza, and my ankle got sprained when this woman ran over me with a choo-choo train shopping cart she had three little kids crammed into. So by the time I got out of the emergency room, I was too late to get into the first wave at the WalBestTargBuyetMart Door-Buster Event. But I did manage to snag a spot next to a Dumpster where I could sit down. So it wasn’t too bad, except for people stepping on my feet all night long.

What in God’s name would get an adult to do such a thing?

I know exactly what you mean, Mr. Cope. Really, what kind of animal would take three little kids to a Black Friday Eve Red-Tag Bonanza, huh? And you know what?… I’m not even sure one of those kids was real. If you ask me, it looked like one of those Cabbage Patch dolls, only with pierced ears and lipstick.

No, what I mean is, what kind of idiot would subject himself willingly to such degrading insanity?

Are you kidding me? Didn’t you see the ads they sent out? I thought you get a newspaper everyday.

Well, yeah. But I sure don’t read all that trash advertising that comes inside of it.

Then you didn’t even know that KohlbelaMaSearcys had Kobe leather yoga wear at 40 percent off? And you’re calling me the idiot?

OK, what about the Wal…Test… Buy… whatever?

The WalBestTargBuyetMart? Even better. They had that thing I don’t have one of yet, and at half the normal price. 

That “thing you don’t have one of yet?”

You know. That new thing. I haven’t gotten one yet, and what kind of idiot wouldn’t want to get one at half price?

So? What does this new thing do? What’s it called?

Crimony, Mr. Cope! Where have you been? It’s the new HDBlueMP-ray3padXWiBoxFiTableTivo that ApSamSonySungHPle just rolled out. And I don’t know what it does exactly, because I don’t have one yet. Duh!

You waited all that time and didn’t get one of these… uh… ?

The HDBlueMP-ray3padXWiBoxFiTableTivo. And no, I didn’t get one. They ran out of them just before I could get to that department. I woulda got there in time, but this fat lady on one of those battery-powered shopping-cart buggies knocked me into a display of Bronco paraphernalia for newborns, and by the time I recovered, she’d grabbed the last one.

Ah. I’m sorry, Doodley. Guess you’ll have to wait and see what Santa brings, huh?

Santa my ass! That’s what?… a month from now? What kind of idiot would wait a whole month for something he doesn’t have one of yet?

Uh, one that pays full price for it? Perhaps?

I guess you’ve never heard of Cyber Monday, either. Gosh, Mr. Cope. I’d sure hate to be as out of touch as you. You don’t even know what you’re missing. 

Yeah, I suppose you’re right. But there’s an up-side to being so out of touch.

What’s that?

That I don’t know what I’m missing.

I don’t know what that means. I don’t get it.

I can see that. Maybe some day you will, though… after you get all the stuff you don’t have yet. I hope so, Junior.


Because you don’t know what you’re missing.