Mr. Cope’s Cave: When Did I Get to be Such a Conservative?

by

Mr. Cope?

Yes, Twinky. I see you’re back.

Sorry, but something came up and I felt like I needed to talk to you about it.

By all means. That’s what I’m here for… to be pestered to distraction by any young snot with the constant need to talk to me about something. What is it this time?

So do you watch any Fox News at all?

Nope. None at all. Call me fussy, but I find it too disturbing to actually watch people who are so comfortable with combining their astonishing stupidity with a total lack of integrity.

Well, there’s this one show on there, The Five, where these five people sit around and talk about the news. And there’s this lady on it who said, just this week, that young women shouldn’t even vote because they don’t have enough life experience to vote intelligently.

Really. And this dunce’s name?

Kimberly Guilfoyle. She also said that as people get older and learn more, they get more conservative. That going from liberal to conservative is a natural process like getting age spots or glaucoma.

Did she actually say that about the age spots and glaucoma?

No. I said that about what she said.

Well said, Junior. Go on.

Anyway, the whole thing made me think of you, Mr. Cope. Have you been getting more conservative as you get older?

Pshew, that’s a toughie. You see, most of what people think of when it comes to “liberal” and “conservative” is meaningless. Just empty brain dribble. The thing is, when any one issue or event or question comes up… something that calls for a reaction or an answer such as a vote for or against, an opinion for or against, maybe just a gut feeling for or against… a truly thoughtful person doesn’t start the process of formulating that reaction from either a liberal position or a conservative position. No, that’d be like trying to get outside to the open air by locking yourself into either a Red Room or a Blue Room. See what I mean?

Not at all, Mr. Cope. Not at all. All I wanted to know is if you feel like you’re getting more conservative in your old age like that Fox person says people do.

Ah, Scooter. She could say something that stupid only because she’s locked herself in the Red Room, don’t you see? Everything she thinks, everything she understands to be true, her entire reality, is filtered and dimmed and twisted through the gauzy haze of pre-digested Red Room ideology. In her mind… inadequate as it may be… she must equate wisdom and experience and emotional growth with conservatism, because if she didn’t… if for even one second she would glimpse a bit of wisdom or maturity coming from the Blue Room… her whole house would come tumbling down around her like a Lego fairy castle under Godzilla’s foot and she’d be left even more a babbling moron than she is now.

But aren’t you saying all that from your own perspective in the Blue Room? I mean… could a good liberal like you even admit he’s becoming more conservative as his experiences add up and he views the world with more background than he did when he was young?

Of course I have a Blue Room view. But the Blue Room is always under construction, so to speak. It’s always being remodeled and expanded to allow for the constant arrival of new furniture and shifting light fixtures and flooring and such, while the Red Room simply refuses to allow the new stuff in. Get it? Besides, I’m not the one suggesting that some people shouldn’t be given the vote until they agree with me, am I?

But are you or are you not more conservative than you used to be?

It all depends on what you’d like to see conserved, doesn’t it? Yes, definitely, the older I get, the stronger I feel about conserving, for instance, the public school system… an institution that for 200 years has been the backbone and the brain of democracies the world over. And every day, I grow more adamant about conserving open land, clean air and water, wildlife, and a reliance on the inherent functionality in Nature’s processes. Or higher education… I tell you, Skippy, if we don’t start conserving the traditional respect for advanced education, the sciences, the arts, intellectual achievement of all sorts, literature, philosophical inquiry… you name it… we are on a downhill dump into the same theocratic darkness that those bright enlightenments led us out of six centuries ago. Same with the right of workers to organize, to unify and resist that savage, insatiable impulse of the powerful to wring as much out of them as a body and soul can take. That must be conserved, and I believe that more now than I did when I was young. And as we’re finding out, if we don’t conserve the basic principles of our heritage… that even the lowliest among us are entitled to the same measure of dignity, justice and freedom that come so effortlessly to the wealthy… then our nation will end up a mere plutocratic shadow of what it set out to be. So absolutely, Opie. I have become a stout conservative. A headstrong conservative. A proud conservative, determined more than ever to defend, promote and conserve liberal values. That answer your question?

Uh, I’m not sure. Especially as it applies to what that Guilfoyle person said. I mean… if you’re a conservative, what would that make her?

Well, as she is so willing to exclude anyone and everyone she deems unsophisticated enough to cast informed votes… which obviously would be anyone who isn’t locked in that ugly Red Room with her, and informed only in a manner acceptable to her and people like her… I’d say she is defending and promoting, in a very liberal fashion, the conservative value that only select people should be allowed to determine what the future brings and that everyone else is equally unfit to participate. I would add that she also seems to be proudly liberal in sharing her conservative denseness with any and all stupid enough to listen to her. What do you say to that?

I am so confused.

Don’t worry, Sonny. It’ll all clear up as you get older.