Mr. Cope’s Cave: Dammit! What Is Wrong With Those Teevee People!?

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Mr. Cope, would this be a good time to…

No, dammit!

Goodness, you sure seem angry about something.

I am, dammit!

Want to tell me about it? Maybe I can help.

I doubt it. Not unless you can change television schedules, and do it in the next few minutes.

Uh, no. I can’t do that, but maybe if you talked about it, you’d feel better.

It’s Walking Dead dammit! The first show of the new season starts in a little over an hour.

Oh, I know. I was hoping to get this interview wrapped up in time to…

And Masterpiece Mystery starts in 15 minutes. Dammit! Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!

So? I don’t get it. What’s the problem?

What’s the problem!? What’s the problem!? The problem is that Masterpiece Mystery runs an hour and a half! It won’t be over until mid-way through Walking Dead! That’s the problem!

Ah. I see. You’re angry that television schedules don’t conform to your particular whims.

Yeah. Yeah. OK. I see where you’re going. When you put it that way, it sounds like I’m a spoiled brat or something. But why do they have to cram all the good stuff into one lousy night, huh? Why couldn’t they spread the stuff worth watching out over the rest of the week, huh? I mean, don’t they know there are two kinds of people? Huh?

Two kinds of people?

Yeah. Everybody knows that. There’s your Walking Dead/Masterpiece Mystery people, then there’s your Duck Dynasty/Honey Boo Boo people. And dammit, they could spread the good shows out onto different nights, and it wouldn’t hurt the Duck Dynasty/Honey Boo Boo people a bit because those people don’t even know there’s better stuff on than Duck Dynasty and Honey Boo Boo! Isn’t that right? Doesn’t that make sense?

Well, you’re certainly right about one thing.

What?

You absolutely do sound like a spoiled brat. And an elitist, to boot.

I’m no spoiled brat, dammit! And this isn’t about me being an elitist! It just makes sense to me that if there’s only about four or five hours a week… if that!… of good, semi-intelligent, well-written, well-produced stuff on the damn television, to not put it all on the same damn night! Is that too much to ask?

You know, there are all sorts of ways you might watch everything you want, even if they are running at the same time. You could record one program while you watch the other. Ever heard of TiVo? Or you could wait until the whole season comes out on Netflix. Or you could stream…

Look, I don’t want to do any of that. I just want to see what I want to see, and I don’t want to fubble-nuts around with no TeeNixFletVo whatever. Before you know it, I’d be up to my neck in those Geek Squad smart-alecks explaining to me… real slow like I’m some kind of doddering old dimwit… how to hook it all up and turn it on and such. Dammit!

Mr. Cope, aren’t you in that age group of people who are always bragging about how you didn’t even have a television in the house until you were 10 or 12 or 20 or something? And how you had to find ways to entertain yourselves when you were kids? And that’s why you’re so much more industrious and inventive and active and smart than kids today? How you’re so lucky to have lived before television took over the world and turned everyone after your generation into mindless boobs? Aren’t you one of them?

Uh, yeah. I don’t know if I would call it “bragging,” but yeah, I may have mentioned to a youngster or two how we were actually a lot better off when we weren’t all squatting like house plants in front of a picture tube.

So what happened to you, Mr. Cope? How on earth did you ever become such a pathetic whiner cry-baby, just because a couple of shows you want to watch happen to be on at the same time?

Hey, that’s not fair, dammit! I’m no pathetic whiner baby! All I want is… hey, wait a minute! What time is it? Oh jeez, Masterpiece Mystery started five minutes ago. You made me miss the opening scenes. Dammit!

I guess I’ll be seeing myself out then.

Yeah. Good idea.