Mr. Cope’s Cave: Proof You Can Look Like a Caricature of a '70s-Era Doofus and Still Be a Kick-Ass Trumpet Player

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How about Tobey Maguire?

What?

Tobey Maguire. What do you think of him being me in our two-man play? You know… instead of Vin Diesel. 

Uh, I wasn’t expecting you today. I wish you’d called first.

Oh, gosh. I texted you. Don’t you read your text messages?

I don’t have a cellphone, so whoever you texted, it wasn’t me.

Uh, so then… you have plans?

Yeah. It’s my blog. I gotta get it done. And I don’t have time to talk about that Mr. Cope Makes Up Stuff play today.

Well, I didn’t really mean to bring that up, Mr. Cope. The truth is, I came to interview you about something entirely different, but I thought as long as I was here, I’d mention Toby McGuire. Besides, I thought we were going to call the play Stuff Mr. Cope Makes Up.

We can work that out later. Besides, I have to make up a lot more stuff before we have a proper play, anyway. But what is it you wanted to interview me about?

No, no. If you have to get your blog done, I can wait. Maybe I could go play with your dog until you’re finished, how about that? What’s your blog going to be about, anyway?

I call it “Proof You Can Look Like a Caricature of a '70s-Era Doofus and Still Be a Kick-Ass Trumpet Player.” And I don’t have a dog.

Really? I sure figured you for someone who had a dog.

I did have a dog. But she died.

Oh, I’m so sorry. I know how painful that can be.

It was. But she died a year and a half ago, so I’m pretty much over it. And look, as long as you’re here, you might as well ask me what it is you wanted to ask me about.

Oh, it can wait. What are you doing tomorrow?

Tomorrow’s Saturday.

That’s OK. I work on Saturdays. 

Look, just ask me now. I like to keep Saturdays free for… I don’t know… whatever comes up, I guess.

Are you sure?

JUST ASK!

OK, OK. It sure doesn’t take much to get you riled up, does it? So my question is, do you feel confident that your nude photos are secure from hackers?

What?!

Like… you know… this Jennifer Lawrence thing with hackers getting at her nude photos, and all those other people getting their nude photos hacked. Where do you keep your nude photos, anyway, Mr. Cope? In the Cloud?… or are they just sitting there in your computer?

I don’t have any nude photos.

Not even of yourself? 

Especially of myself.

Oh come on, Mr. Cope. Everybody has nude photos of themselves these days. 

Sonny, do I look like someone who would want to look at nude photos of himself?

Well… now that you mention it…

Now, was there anything else?

Uh, just the thing about Toby McGuire. But that can wait, I suppose. 

Then perhaps I can get back to “Proof You Can Look Like a Caricature of a '70s-Era Doofus and Still Be a Kick-Ass Trumpet Player.”

Mind if I ask what that’s about? 

Maynard Ferguson.

You mean all the racial tension they’re having down in that Missouri town?

No. Different Ferguson.

Oh. So this other Ferguson is a kick-ass trumpet player, or what?

The kick-assiest. I’ve loved his stuff since I was a kid.

What’s he done lately that I might have heard?

Nothing. He died.

Oh, I’m so sorry. I know how painful that can be.

It was. But he died eight years ago, so I’m pretty much over it.

So what are you going to write about him?

Nothing. I’m just going to stick a video on my blog of his band playing “Birdland.” Great tune, great band, great trumpet player… in spite of how they look. 

Golly, that won’t take long.

Nope. It’s just a few clicks away, really.

So when you’re done, maybe we could talk about our two-man play some more… maybe?

Uuuuuuuuhhhhh…