Mr. Cope’s Cave: News From Around the World of Holy War


Dateline: the God-forsaken sand lands stretching from 40 degrees longitude to 50 degrees, and extending south of the 35th parallel some 400 miles…

…Holy Warriors are toiling mightily to carve out God’s Kingdom from the ruins of the Hittite, Assyrian and Babylonian territories, known in the modern era as Iraq and Syria. Their mission?… 1) to restore the true word of God to those lands and destroy those who dare to believe in any slightly differing “true word of God,” 2) to administer God’s swift and merciless justice to any who do not meet their strict moral standards and accept their uncompromising values, and 3) to use the nation they hope to establish as a “beacon on a hill” as it were, from which to wage evangelical efforts against any and all who would blaspheme God by having another name for Him.

In short: Nothing new to report, not for the past 1,500 years.

Dateline: The land of milk and honey, stretching from 70 degrees longitude to 125 degrees, and extending south of the 50th parallel some 1,700 miles...

…Holy Warriors are girding their loins for yet another struggle with reality and the modern era, this time over the chosen leader’s promise to discourage discrimination against homosexuals—“Sodomites and Gomorrahists” in the tongue of the ancient goat-herding tribes of Galilee—in any military/industrial behemoth, private contractor whore of Babylon or incorporated empire that has its insatiable lips locked on the public teat.

Encouraged by the decision of the Five Jurist Priests, currently in control of the nation’s laws, to allow such money-changers into the temple of a woman’s womb if the patriarchy of said money-changing operation is God-fearing enough (See “Hobby Lobby Vs. the Third Millennium A.D."), the pious few—known by how swiftly they can recite Leviticus 18 and 20—see a way to further punish the lepers, harlots and philistines for any deviancy from God’s Plan, as handed down for 2,000 years from one vested interest to another.

In short: Nothing new to report, not since the New World Word-of-God thumpers took Elmer Gantry as a prophet rather than a parody.

Dateline: The Caliphate of Rational Thought, stretching from astrophysics degrees to zoological studies, and extending out from Education some 100 disciplines in all directions…

…With the continuing and incremental unveiling of God’s mysteries and the answering of age-old questions—not the least of which: the advent of the Higgs boson (often referred to as the “God” particle)—the chosen people (identified by their above-average intelligence and the mark of Curiosity upon their brows) are slowly leading the flock of God’s Sixth-Day Experiment out of the purgatory of faith, and into the Promised Land of understanding a universe that is infinitely more awesome than any God, anywhere, no matter what people call Him.

In short: If there’s time, there’s hope.