Mr. Cope’s Cave: More Spiritual Putrescence (From the People Who Brought Us 'Duck Dynasty' and Professional Wrestling)


You seem pensive today, Mr. Cope. Sad, even. Is something troubling you?

Sorta, yeah.

Care to tell me about it?

Oh, it’s just a thing I learned about today. A dumb new thing some hillbillies have taken up, I guess because they don’t feel like they’ve done enough damage to the human soul already. And it’s gotten me to wondering if there’s is a limit to how low and rotten and squalid people can get.

Ah, you must be referring to the crowds of people screaming at the buses of illegal children in California.

No, actually not. I mean, yeah… that’s low and rotten and squalid, for sure. But it’s just the sort of behavior I’ve come to expect from about a third of this country anymore. You know, really, racism, cruelty, xenophobia, selfishness, hatred, the continual threat of violence… those aren’t anything new. In fact, they have their own political party, in case you haven’t been paying attention.

No, this new thing I just heard about… well, I won’t say it’s worse than that. But it is so outrageous and stupid and thoughtless and malevolent and… Gad, I’m running out of words to express how… how absolutely shitty it is! However you describe it, though, it seriously has me wondering if the human race deserves to exist. If this universe wouldn’t be better off if eboli or chicken flu or something just wiped us off the face of the Earth once and for all.

Wow. It must be something pretty horrible. So are you going to tell me about it?

Have you ever heard of “rolling coal?” It’s where some subhuman puke jiggers with his diesel pickup so that it can produce a huge, thick cloud of black, sooty, filthy exhaust with the flick of a switch. Then they’ll go out and spew it on bicyclists and joggers and other cars sitting at a red light or stuck in traffic just for the fun of it. Some of these… these…


Yeah. Vermin. Some of these vermin actually film themselves doing it, and laughing about it as they drive away, leaving a poor pedestrian or biker choking on the fumes. Look it up. It’ll make you sick.

“Rolling coal?”

Yeah. Rolling coal.

How do you explain it?

I don’t think I can. It’s too… too…


Yeah. Unthinkable.