Mr. Cope’s Cave: More Stupid Things That Gun Nuts Do


Ladies and gentlemen, perhaps the stupidest thing that gun nuts do—that would be aside from all the phenomenally stupid things that leave thousands and thousands of Americans dead every year from murder by gun, suicide by gun, accidental shooting by gun—is believing that their numbers are anything beyond a small, small fraction of the nation’s population.

Take, for instance, last weekend, when two gun nuts shot down three people in Las Vegas…

Hey! Hey! Hey! I see what you’re doing, Cope. You’re trying to make all of us Second Amendment patriots out to be like them killers. Ya’ know, if there’d been more of us around with our guns, they wouldn’ta gotten away with that.

Ah, I see the representative of the NRA has joined us. And already, it seems we need to remind him that two of the victims were policemen. Armed policemen. Yet the gun nuts… or should I call them “Second Amendment patriots?”… killed them precisely because they were policemen. Policemen whose duties would naturally include protecting citizens from the likes of these “Second Amendment patriots.”

Hey! Quit calling them killers “Second Amendment patriots.” You got no right to do that because they were killers.

Well sure. Now we know they were killers. But we didn’t know that until they took to killing people, did we? On Sunday, they became killers. But on Saturday, they were plain old Second Amendment patriots, just like you. And I’m sure they would have been proud to tell us so… just like you.


In fact, the husband was even recorded at the confrontation at Cliven Bundy’s place, running off his stupid gun nut mouth about how we’re losing all our liberties and such. And really, he just sounded like any other shit-for-brains, Tea Party nitwit out campaigning to become the governor of Texas or an Idaho legislator or whatever. Of course, that was before he became a cop-killing terrorist by doing exactly the thing you Second Amendment patriots all brag about being ready to do the second you think someone might try to take away your guns.

Hey! Hey! Are you implying I could be a cop-killing terrorist?

I assume that you subscribe to the "from my cold, dead fingers” approach to defending your gun rights, yes? And who do you suppose might be tasked with taking away your guns, should that possibility ever come within a thousand light-years of reality? I mean, it’s unlikely they would deploy the Girl Scouts for such a job, or the PTA. So don’t you suspect it might be police officers? And if you’re intent on resisting, would it or would it not necessitate your turning your guns on the cops who come to confiscate them? Which would make you… at least, in theory… a cop killer. Which makes the only difference between you and those murderous assholes down in Las Vegas is that they turned their theory into practice.

Now, if Mister NRA doesn’t mind, I would like to continue with my proposition that perhaps the stupidest thing about gun nuts is their belief that they are anything beyond a tiny minority of Americans. As I was about to say, last weekend, after those Second Amendment cop killers in Vegas killed the cops—who were enjoying a lunch of pizza, by the way, and had no intention of confiscating any guns in the conceivable future—they proceeded to scream that, “The revolution is starting! The revolution is starting!”

The question is, whom did they think they were talking to? Did they believe that all the other people around would join their revolution on the spot? Could they have been so stupid as to believe Las Vegas is one big pot of disgruntled Americans and that all it would take to make them boil over and go to war with their own government was the cold-blooded murder of a pair of pizza-eating policemen?

The answer is, of course, yes. Definitely. They were that stupid. Much like those ridiculous "open carry" goofballs down in Texas and Georgia who are parading into coffee shops and family restaurants with assault rifles slung across their greasy bellies…

Hey! Hey! Now your saying open-carry advocates are the same as those psycho cop killers?

Yes. Very perceptive of you, Mister NRA. That is what I am saying. The open carry goofballs are the same as those Vegas cop killers, only they haven’t yet reached that day when they go from being mouthy, childish, obsessive, goofball fools to actually acting on the mushy-minded twaddle they spend their meaningless goofball lives spouting.

Certainly, it’s likely that most of them never reach that day and make the transition from bragging about how they’d kill to actual killing. But at this point in their careers as anti-government loons, even though they haven’t taken that final plunge and opened fire on the multitude of people they don’t like, there is… ideologically speaking… far more that unites them with the Vegas cop killers than separates them. Their intentions are identical, if not their commitment. They are cut from the same cloth, and it is one butt-ugly cloth, indeed.

But the point I’m trying to make here… if only Mister NRA will let me… is that they, too… those open carry idiots, along with each and every gun nut who refuses to allow for any and every effort to make gun ownership safer, or to expand background checks to gun shows and private sales, or to make it harder for the mentally ill to get their hands on firearms… they, too, like to pretend they have most Americans on their side, even though survey after survey shows Americans want more of all of those things. Even the majority of gun owners want more regulation, more common sense, more compromise. Yet, just like the cop killers in Vegas, the stupid gun nuts keep calling for Americans to rise up and throw off chains that only they , in that I’ve-snorted-too-much-crank way of theirs, seem to see.

Hey! Hey! Did you know those cop killers were white supremacists? Are you saying that all of us people who want people like you to keep your hands off our guns are racists? Is that what your saying?

Not quite. I’m not going to argue that all gun nuts are racist as well as being stupid, though I strongly suspect most of them are, judging by the hysteria that came with Obama’s election. And as for you, Mister NRA, I would imagine that all the Ku Klux Klan and the American Nazi trash are among your most ardent supporters, do you deny that? And you know what they say about those who sleep with dogs, don’t you?

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Are saying I screw dogs?

That would be a discussion for another day, Mister NRA. But let me ask you… does it give you any pause that even now, after all the intense controversy over gun policy, after all your efforts to increase gun ownership, after all your scare tactics over Obama’s hidden agenda, after all of your stupid propaganda horseshit that the answer to gun violence is more guns… does it give you pause that still, the NRA membership is only one 70th of the population. Four-point five million out of the 320 million in our country?… that’s less than .015 percent. But you act like every white guy in America is ready strap on an AR and go join the revolution.

Hey! Every white guy I know is ready to do… uh… somethin’.

And there-in lies the problem, doesn't it, ladies and gentlemen? Because stupid gun nuts tend to hang out with nothing but other stupid gun nuts… I’d guess because they are such boring, single-minded freaks that no one else will hang out with them… they assume that there are only two kinds of people in America… themselves, and everybody else. And, of course, the stupider they are, the more guns they have. So I would say it’s time we started thinking of this unnatural obsession with guns as a mental illness in its own right, just like alcoholism and schizophrenia and bipolar…

Hey! I see what your doing, Cope! First you call us gun owners crazy, then you make it harder for crazy people to get guns.

Why thank you, Mister NRA. That’s certainly something worth considering.