Mr. Cope’s Cave: Who I’m Voting For Tomorrow


Republicans. That’s who I’m voting for tomorrow. I’m a registered one. I did it two years ago when the state Republican Party made this effort to tell Idahoans they couldn’t vote in their primary unless they were registered as Republicans. So I registered as a Republican. You see, I have this extra gland in my armpit—or maybe it’s an extra bone in my inner ear, or a perhaps a pea-sized node buried deep within my Ooblah Langlutimus—which prevents me from letting anyone, especially a bunch of local Republican clowns, tell me who I can or who I can’t vote for.

I also did it because, sadly, for the last couple of decades or so, Idaho Democrats haven’t been able to come up with very interesting primaries. I’m hoping that sometime between now and when I die, I will have the opportunity to choose between two serious candidates on a Democrat ticket, which I will be able to do (should the time come) because state Democratic leaders have sworn to keep their primaries open to everyone. But that time is not tomorrow.

No, tomorrow’s primaries are notable mostly for the multitude of choices between dippy conservatives and even dippier conservatives. We have a governor who four years ago would have been in the running for the “Most Ignorantly Conservative Executive in America” title, but is being challenged because, according to current Tea Party dogma, he isn’t conservative enough. He is being punished primarily for establishing a state exchange for Obamacare—for which almost 80,000 previously-uninsured Idahoans can thank him—in spite of the Tea Party dictate that all cooperation with the President’s program must be seen as criminal collaboration.

So I’m voting for Butch Otter. That is something I never, ever thought I would hear myself saying, but in contrast to the Tea Party loon running against him (Russ Fulcher, who let us pray we never hear another thing about after tomorrow), Butch has one decent, moral, and intellectually honest notch on his barrel by okaying that exchange. Out of a political career that spans almost 40 years, that’s not much to show for himself, but I’m certain it’s more than we will ever rightfully expect from Fulcher. And I will reward him with my vote for that one, and only one, act of non-servility to the right wing fringe. I encourage all of you to do the same.

November, of course, will be another matter.


Of course, Fulcher isn’t the only loon running. There are Tea Party candidates for secretary of state, attorney general, lieutenant governor, and Congressional District 2. They’re trying to build an assault team for the big public land grab that we can be assured is coming. I’m voting for Lawrence Wasden (incumbent attorney general), Brad Little (incumbent lieutenant governor) and Phil McGrane?? (secretary of state).

McGrane, especially, is the most qualified for the job he’s running for, and more importantly, he’s not Lawerence Denney, who stands second only to Raul Labrador as the most craven politician in Idaho.

The Republican candidates for school superintendent are four birds all singing essentially the same song. But at least this time, they’re: 1) all educators, and 2) none of them are Tom Luna. I’m going for Andrew Grover—just 'cause.

I don’t live in Mike Simpson’s district, but if I did, he’d get my vote. Of Idaho’s four acting congressmen, he’s the only one with a measurable soul. Plus, the bird running against him is just another execrable example of the sort of semi-fascist litter that never stops blowing across the American political landscape, thanks largely to money laundering outfits that pour out-of-state cash into their campaigns.

The fact that Labrador has no serious challengers says to me that the craziest assholes in Idaho find his politics perfectly acceptable.

Incidentally, if you think you can’t vote Republican tomorrow, it’s likely you are wrong. I double-checked with the secretary of state’s office to be sure I am right about this: If you are not registered as something else, you can register at the polling place as a Republican and you will be allowed to vote in their primary.

And as the Republicans are the only political party that has ever required its members to be formally registered, it’s unlikely you are registered as something else.

So Independents, Democrats, all other sane people, I invite you to join me tomorrow in showing the Republican apparatchiks they can try as they might to plug all the holes, but even at that they are failures.

November, of course, will be another matter.