Mr. Cope’s Cave: The Stupid Things That Gun Nuts Do

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Just this past Friday, I explained how I like to extend certain subject matter into open-ended series, if for no other reason than so often, the same stuff comes up again and again. Said another way, shit doesn’t just happen; it happens over, and over, and over.

Nowhere is that more true than in the sphere of American gun nuttery, and it’s no mystery why. In fact, I consider it a guiding principle of human nature, as basic to understanding the behavior we see around us as knowing that those who abuse drugs often have addictive personalities, or that fat people have a tendency to eat more than slim people do.

As simple as I can make it, this guiding principle would read: Not only do stupid people do stupid things, they never learn to stop doing them.

As this principle relates to gun nuts, how many times do we have to hear of some guy showing his piece off to friends with the assurance, “Don’t worry... it’s not loaded,” seconds before he puts a slug through his ceiling—if he’s lucky—or his wife’s head (if he’s not)?

How many times do we have to hear of some guy leaving the pride of his Second Amendment rights within reach of the household’s toddler—or the household’s teenager; there is hardly a difference when it comes to guns—and someone ends up getting dead?

How many times do we need to hear of some guy sticking a gun in his pants to make himself invincible as he heads out for a night at the discotheque—or to make himself especially obnoxious as he heads out for a latte at Starbucks—only to blow a hole through his foot because the dunce forgot to click the safety on?

See what I mean? And I haven’t even touched upon the horrific consistency we find in reports of mass killings, domestic murders, gun-related suicides and collateral carnage from random shootings. There is never anything new about any of them. Except, of course, the names of the victims.

And consider the utterly predictable and reflexive response from these obsessive goons whenever any change, no matter how slight, in our deadly relationship with guns is even suggested. Why, just last week, a gun store owner was deluged by death threats when he announced he would start selling “smart” guns in his establishment. If we didn’t know better, we might begin to suspect these assholes would prefer the occasional child getting accidentally shot—even if the “occasional” children getting accidentally shot in America is running about 1800 a year—than take any steps whatsoever to make their firearms perversion even the least bit safer.

Ha, just kidding! We already knew that, didn’t we?

•••

Today, in my first installment of “The Stupid Things Gun Nuts Do,” I report on what stupid thing some gun nut did right here in Boise. But first, let me explain how I know he’s a gun nut. I don’t automatically assume someone’s a gun nut because he owns a military-style, semi-automatic rifle. No, even though the price one must pay to own such a beast—which is essentially a few hunks of machined metal thrown together with as much craftsmanship and aesthetics as we might find in a Chinese-made barbecue set down at Walmart—might hint that the owner is overly-impressed by the looks of the thing (which might hint in turn that he has watched a few too many action movies), I won’t jump to the conclusion he is, technically, a true “gun nut.” Indeed, he might have a perfectly reasonable reason for owning such an ugly thing—even though. at the moment, I’m having some difficulty imagining what such a reason might be.

But my reservations about calling a man with one military-style, semi-automatic rifle a gun nut grow dimmer and dimmer with every such weapon that man owns. And were I to learn he owned five of the sonofabitches, then I feel perfectly justified in calling him a gun nut. A gun nut five times over, in fact. A Fifth-Degree gun nut!

But that’s not the stupidest part. The stupidest part is that this Boise man... this Fifth-Degree gun nut... left all five of his military-style, semi-automatic rifles in his garage, snuggled deeply in one of Boise’s better-known suburban sprawls, and then left the f***ing garage door open!

Is that stupid?... Or what?

But again, it’s an old story, isn’t it? How many times do we have to hear of some guy with a whole herd of guns in his house—enough guns to deal with anything and everything that guy fears is coming—and the one thing he didn’t see coming was gun thieves?

Fortunately, the rifles were recovered and returned to the gun nut—and I say fortunately only because, while it’s bad enough that some dildo living in a populous suburb is armed with five assault weapons, it’s marginally worse when those same weapons fall into the hands of another such dildo, this one with a penchant for larceny.

We will probably never know whether this guy will do the proper things in the future to secure his precious firesticks. A gun safe, for instance, or at the least, shut his F***ING garage door. But my bet is, he has rushed out and purchased a sixth military-style, semi-automatic rifle so that he can stand guard over the other five.