Mr. Cope’s Cave: I’ll Have What Gramnanny’s Having


Good morning, Mr. Cope.

Ah, crap! What do you want now?

I have been commissioned to gather responses from local opinion holders as to the choice of Stephen Colbert to replace David Letterman. Do you have any comment on this matter?

Uuuh, nope. None that I can think of.

You do know who Stephen Colbert is, don’t you?

Of course I know who Stephen Colbert is. Why wouldn’t I?

He’s considerably younger than you. It’s not unusual for people in your generation to be unaware of celebrities that you haven’t been watching for the last 60 or 70 years.

Sixty or 70 years! How damn old do you think I am, anyway?

I’m guessing you’re about the same age as my Gramnanny. And she sure doesn’t know who Stephen Colbert is. She doesn't even have cable. 

Look here, sonny. I do have cable. And I’m perfectly capable of appreciating actors and musicians and comedians and whatevers who come from younger generations than my own. And I sure as hell know who Stephen Colbert is. And what damn difference does it make what I or anyone else thinks of him replacing Letterman, anyway!?

Mr. Cope, there’s no reason to raise your voice. So, am I to assume you still stay up late enough to watch Dave Letterman’s show?

Well, guh!... not al-ways! But that doesn’t mean I couldn’t stay up late and watch Letterman if I wanted to. I just don’t wanna, that’s all.

I understand perfectly, Mr. Cope. My Gramnanny tries and tries and tries to stay awake long enough to see the end of Andy Griffith every night, but her poor little head just nods lower and lower and lower until she’s snoring like a little mouse. It’s so cute.

God dammit! I don‘t nod off like no little damn mouse. I just get tired a little earlier than I used to, that’s all. And I thought you said your Gramnanny didn’t have cable. She must have cable if she’s watching Andy Griffith every night.

No, she’s got all his shows on those... oh, I don’t know what they’re called... those things that you have to rewind.

Video tapes?

Whatever. But she keeps forgetting to rewind them because she falls asleep. So then she has to rewind the one she wants to see the next night before she sits down to watch it, and sometimes she falls asleep while it’s rewinding. Then the next night, she’s forgotten it’s already rewound, see? So she rewinds it again, and when it won’t play, she calls me up to come over and figure out why it won’t play. But by the time I get there, she’s usually already asleep, snoring away like a little mouse. Do you want to see a selfie of me skootched down next to her while she’s sleeping? I keep one on my Iphone. It is soooo cute.

No, thank you. Now why don’t you just ask your questions and scoot? I have a million things to do.

I understand, Mr. Cope. It’s important to stay busy, isn’t it?

What the hell’s that supposed to mean?

I mean... at your age. I suppose it would be awfully easy just to sit around reminiscing about the old days and listening to your old... oh. what are those things called? Those black things?

OK! That’s it! We’re done here!

But Mr. Cope. You haven’t said what you think about Stephen Colbert replacing Dave Letterman.

Like I said, I don’t have an opinion about that.

But people like you always have an opinion. On everything.

People like me?

Yes. You know... old people. Even Gramnanny has an opinion on this. And like I said, she doesn’t even know who Stephen Colbert is. 

Look, why don’t you write down your Gramnanny’s opinion and say I said it.

I guess I could do that. I suppose one old person’s opinion is as good as any other old person’s opinion. OK, that’s just what I’ll do.

There you go, junior. Problem solved. By the way, just what is your Gramnanny’s opinion on Colbert being picked to replace Letterman?

Oh, she’s very angry about it. She thinks Colbert should be forced to come up with his birth certificate before he gets the job.

Ah, crap!