Mr. Cope’s Cave: In Lieu of Green Beer

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Mr. Cope, would you care to comment on the disappearance of Flight 370?

What would I know about that?

That’s what we’re trying to establish here, isn’t it? Exactly what do you know about that?

Look, I don’t know nothing about that. I was home all day when that plane disappeared. Well, OK, not exactly all day. I went to the Jackson store for a paper. A few lottery tickets, maybe. I didn’t even know about it disappearing until everyone else did, too. And why are you implying I should know something about it, anyway?

I’m not implying anything, Mr. Cope. I’m simply asking you to comment on what might have happened to that airplane and the passengers. Have you ever had any experience with a situation like this?

Are you sure you have the right Mr. Cope? Hell, I haven’t even been on a plane in 20 years or so. Oh, wait a minute... except for when I went to Iowa last year. But we got stuck in Denver for six hours, so it was more like not being on a plane that it was like being on a plane. If you know what I mean.

So... as I understand it... you are not ... in any way... an expert in the field of aeronautics? Or navigation? The Malaysian Peninsula. perhaps?

Good gravy, no. Unless knowing where it’s at makes me an expert on it.

And you can verify that you have never piloted a Boeing 777?

Uh... well, uh... I guess not, now that you mention it. It never occurred to me that I’d have to prove I can’t fly an airliner. So, uh, no. I don’t think I have even one document or eyewitness or anything that will back up my claim of not having ever piloted a Triple-7. In fact, I don’t even have proof that I didn’t know those planes were called ”Triple-7s” until this all came up.

Yet, without a shred of evidence to support your story, you still insist you have no experience whatsoever with flying that particular aircraft?

No. Er, I mean yes. I still insist I have no experience whatsoever with flying that particular aircraft. Or any other aircraft.

Then, Mr. Cope, why would you agree to an interview dealing with the disappearance of Flight 370?

I didn’t agree to no damn interviews. Not about that plane or anything else I can think of. I didn’t even know you were coming.

The truth of the matter is, all the other experts were taken. So I thought I’d give you a try, since you seem to have opinions on about everything. Everything but this plane’s disappearance, that is. Which . . . I have to tell you, Mr. Cope... I find exceedingly strange.

Well, OK... to tell you the truth, I’ve been wondering... just as an impartial observer, you understand?... I have been wondering if anyone’s checked to see if the Bermuda Triangle is where it oughta be. Know what I mean? If the Bermuda Triangle has come up missing, too, that would put a whole new coat of paint to this barn, wouldn’t it?

Aha, so you do have a comment on the disappearance of Flight 370? Good. And are you also aware that you have used at least two double negatives during this interview? Quote... Look, I don’t know nothing about that!... unquote. And... I didn’t agree to no damn interviews. Do you care to explain yourself?

OK, OK. I admit it. Sometimes I don’t talk no good. But that doesn’t mean I have any ideas why that plane went missing.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. And is there anything else you would like to add, Mr. Cope? Anything at all?

Anything? Anything at all?

Yes. Anything at all.

And it doesn’t have to be something about that missing airplane?

No, Mr. Cope. If you have something else on your mind, now is the time to bring it up.

Well... OK. I’d just like to say Happy St. Paddy’s Day to everybody, and I’d like to pass something on to anyone who feels like they haven’t had enough beauty in their lives lately.

Could we speed this up some? I have an interview scheduled with Beyoncé later this morning.

Beyoncé?! Wow!

Yes, wow. I intend to be the first to get her comments on the disappearance of Flight 370.

OK, OK. Just listen to this. And that’s all I have to say.