Mr. Cope’s Cave: Just What Is This About, Mr. Cope?


Mr. Cope, I have been designated to ask if you’re serious about turning this blog into a “Hillary’s To-Do List” for the next 10 years.

You’ve been designated?

Yes. You may not know this, but there are people... powerful people, I might add... whose concern it is to ensure that Internet users enjoy their experience when they enter the world wide web. And those people feel that if in fact you do convert your blog allotment into this “Hillary’s To-Do List,” it would not be in the best interests of either yourself, or the world wide web.

Uuuhhhh... I’m not sure what to say. Actually, when I said I planned on running “Hillary’s To-Do List” for 10 years, I didn’t mean that I would do nothing but “Hillary’s To-Do List.” I just meant it would be a recurring thing. You know... like... oh, something like where Newman was a regular cast member on Seinfeld, but he only shows up every few weeks. Get what I mean? Just now and then.

And not a continuous, unchanging pattern of perpetual “Hillary’s To-Do List,” one after another?

No, no. Not at all. But let me ask you something. Let’s say I did plan on blogging a continuous, unchanging pattern of perpetual “Hillary’s To-Do List.” What would your “powerful people” do about it? And by the way, who are you, anyway? And why do you keep popping up to interview me?

Mr. Cope, my identity is not important here. Just my function. I am simply another one of those rather faceless media entities whose job it is to fill time and space with endless questions, observations and quirky commentary about what personalities from the worlds of entertainment, politics and sports are doing. I can trace my career lineage back to Hedda Hopper and Walter Winchell, both of whom became famous for telling great masses of regular people what famous people were up to. As it turned out, regular people can never get enough of what famous people are up to, so more and more venues were created to meet the need. People magazine, for instance. Or Entertainment Tonight on television. And now, with the advent of the world wide web and reality-based television programming, there is no end to how much time and space there is to be filled with vapid questions, empty observations and quirky commentary on the increasing number of famous people, many of whom are famous for no other reason than the fact we are talking about them. 

Yeah, I know what you mean. It’s like those food items that get more and more people hooked on sugar, then they have to refine more and more sugar to meet the demand, which increases the number of people hooked on sugar, which increases the demand, which increases the...

Yes, Mr. Cope. Except the demand is for mindless entertainment rather than nutritionless food stuffs. So to keep up, my industry has been forced to recruit increasing numbers of rather faceless media entities, like me, to fill the need. Frankly, I don’t know where we’re all coming from. It’s like they’re going out on the street and snatching anyone who can talk for three minutes without saying the “F” word, and giving them a position on the Internet or cable teevee.

It’s sort of like that show that follows The Walking Dead every week, huh? The Talking Dead, where that guy with that hair whose name I don’t care to learn talks with stars from the show about what happened on the episode that just aired?

Exactly. That’s the coming thing. It won’t be long before every show on television will be followed by another show discussing what you just saw. In fact, I have submitted a proposal for a program that with a little luck, I would be hosting. I call it What Oprah Just Said and I think it could be a big hit, don’t you?

But wait a minute. None of this explains why you’re here today, interviewing me of all people. I’m not a star. I’m not famous. I’m not even very interesting. So wha...?

Ah. Funny you should ask. The thing is, in this race to keep up with the increasing numbers of famous people, my industry has temporarily over-compensated with a surplus of rather faceless media entities, like me. In other words, there are more of us to do the interviewing than there are people to be interviewed. So many of my co-workers are out scraping the bottom of the barrel, as it were, for interview subjects. And until my What Oprah Just Said project comes to fruition, I find myself having to join them.

Ah, I see. So I am a barrel whose bottom you’re scraping?

Pretty much. By the way, as long as I’m here, let’s find out what do you think of the Olympics. How 'bout them Canadians, huh?

I don’t want to talk about the damn Olympics. And anyway, you’ve never answered my question about what would happen if I did turn this blog entirely over to “Hillary’s To-Do List.” I want to know more about these “powerful people” who wouldn’t like it.

No you don’t. Trust me on that. You absolutely do not want to know more about those people. Remember Julian Assange? Well, he thought he wanted to know more about those people, and look where it got him. They couldn’t even make a movie about him that anyone wanted to see. Not even with Benedict Cumberbatch as Julian. No, Mr. Cope. You seem to have a comfortable life going for you here. I can hardly imagine how you would adjust to having to hide out in an Ecuadorian embassy. Or worse yet, a Russian airport, like Edward Snowden. Think about it, Mr. Cope. No more cheesy English muffins whenever you feel like one. No more cable television. No more walking around the house naked. No more private bathrooms. Now, why don’t you tell me how your March Madness brackets are shaping up?

But how come you get to know about these powerful people and I don’t?

Who said I know anything about them? I didn’t say that. Frankly, I don’t know what you’re talking about, Mr. Cope. Frankly, you’re beginning to sound like some kind of conspiracy nut. Is that how you want to be remembered, Mr. Cope? As some kind of conspiracy nut?

No. I guess I don’t want to be remembered as some kind of conspiracy nut. But...

That’s right. No you don’t. So why don’t you tell me who your favorite Kardashian is? Or what you think of Jimmy Fallon taking over for Leno? And how about that new Pope, huh?