Mr. Cope's Cave: Dear God

by

We have a situation down here which maybe You can help us out with... maybe. But before I tell You about that, let me say I hope You weren’t upset over anything I said in my last two blogging episodes. I mean the ones in reference to Your policy on gun ownership. Or maybe You’ve been too busy with such things as the flu outbreak and keeping the planets from bashing into one another to notice much of what’s going on here in little old Idaho. Which would be just as well. I’d hate to see the planets all bash into one another because you got distracted by anything happening here.

Anyway, I wanted You to know I meant no disrespect. However, if it is true the Second Amendment came from You, maybe You ought to rethink that particular gift... maybe. It’s not working nearly as well as You might have imagined it would, and from every indication, it’s just going to get worse.

But that’s not why I’m writing You today, Sir... Ma'am... whatever. There’s this guy in our Legislature—which is what we call our state Congress, in case You didn’t know, and I guess I’ll just have to assume You know what a “Congress” is—who is trying to get a stupid, stupid law changed. His name is John Gannon, and the law concerns You. Or rather, the people who want to keep the law as it is claim it concerns You. Which is why I’m writing. This may take some of that Divine Intervention of Yours before it’s settled, know what I mean?

The law was written originally so that any clutch of deluded religious clucks who decide it is un-Godly to use modern medicine to treat whatever ails them, can force the same backwards delusion on their poor kids. Following me?

Well of course You are. You’re God. What am I thinking?

•••

So the deal is, there’s this one batch of those kind of people over in Marsing—the Followers of Christ, they call themselves—who have been really, really strict about not letting their kids have any medical treatment when they get sick. They believe in something called “faith healing,” or some such gobbledygook.

It all reminds me of the old joke about the guy who drowned in a flood... (stop me if You’ve heard this)... see, he was waiting for You to come get him off his roof, and when he got to Heaven, he complained that You never showed up in spite of all the praying he did. And You said, “Well for Christ’s Sake, buddy”... (or something to that effect)... “I sent two rescue boats and a helicopter. What more did you want?”

So as far as I’m concerned, when Your believers are huddled around some poor kid’s sick bed, praying for healing, maybe they should pay more attention when a doctor walks by with a bag full of antibiotics and fever remedies.

But of course, that’s not the way the religious clucks see it. And as a result, they have kids dying from stuff that could have been easily cured with a dab of modern medical miracles.

Personally, I think any parents who let their kid die just to prove to You they’re more devout than those heretics who go to doctors should have their ignorant asses thrown in prison. Really. I mean, we save some of our harshest punishment for people who harm children, and rightly so. But here these self-righteous yokels are getting away with negligent manslaughter, at the very least, and they’re doing it in the name of, uh... You.

Think about it, God. If a bunch of pedophiles got together and called themselves the Disciples of Childrenly Love, or something like that, and insisted that it was a matter of religious freedom that they be allowed to fu... er, molest  kids... would that be OK?

Well, of course not. But who knows for sure? This world of Yours has some crazy assholes on it. But I imagine You knew that.

To me, it seems like a no-brainer that John Gannon should be successful in getting this stupid law changed. But guess what!... not all of our legislators see it that way. One of them, Rep. Christy Perry (from Canyon County, wouldn’t You know) is quoted as saying, “This is about religious beliefs, the belief that God is in charge of whether they [the kids] live and God is in charge of whether they die. This is about where they go for eternity.”

Can You believe it? Like... You would keep a little kid out of Heaven just because her parents slipped her an aspirin? Is that stupid, or what?

Uh, You wouldn’t do that... would You?

Nah, of course you wouldn’t. You wouldn’t be God if you were that damn crazy.

•••

So that’s what we’re dealing with down here. And it’s not all just a matter of church/state crap either. There is this insane attitude, particularly among the some of the least competent human beings in the country, that any swinging sperm donor has a right to raise his offspring in whatever screwed-up tradition he sees fit.

I should tell You, this “right” is not universally applied, thank God. I mean, alcoholics and drug addicts are still not allowed to feed booze and/or meth to their toddlers—not legally, anyway—and the prepubescent children of even the most degenerate swamp dwellers are not allowed to get married. Not in most states, anyway, and especially not to their uncles.

But generally speaking, many parents stand by their “right” to mold their children in their own image, which accounts for why we still have—even here in the 21st century—things like home schooling, beauty pageants for little girls, organized football for little boys, Seventh-day Adventists and the Ku Klux Klan.

And God, since these are so often the same people who insist that all civil rights come from You—that centuries of enlightenment and the triumph of the human spirit and mind have nothing to do with it—I can’t help but think You might do something helpful. Maybe drop a few more Commandments on us, if you would. Something like... Thou shalt not sit on your ass while your child is dying when there’s something you can give her for it.

And maybe... Thou shalt not intentionally turn your children into paranoid misfits just because you’re one.

And, Thou shalt use your brain for more than a place to park your baseball cap.

And this time, don’t give them all to just one man, OK? Spread them around so that a lot of people see the same commandments. Seriously, You wouldn’t believe what a handful of megalomaniacs have done to this world by claiming they found some secret tablets or something up on a mountain top.

So OK, God. I know You’re busy, so I’ll close for now. Thanks for listening.

Oh, and by the way, I was raised Methodist. I hope that doesn’t kill my chances of getting some kind of response.

—Bill