Mr. Cope's Cave: Did God Give Us Gun Morons, Too?—Part Two


As you remember from this blog spot last Friday, I was attempting to get Wayne Hoffman of the Idaho Freedom Foundation to clarify a few things about a statement he made at that gun moron rally last week. But before I could get too it, I ran out of room.

Not that I literally ran out of room, as in I wrote so many words down that they wouldn’t all fit into the space allotted. You can’t really do that on a blog, can you? It’s like your word limit is from zero to infinity, I suppose, in terms of space.

Yet there is always a word limit when it comes to keeping people’s attention, and I fear... oh crap! I’m doing it again. F***ing blog! I hate this f***ing blog! It’s like one of those “All-You-Can-Eat-For-99 Cents” buffet joints. I get started, and I can’t stop.

To the point, Bill! To the f***ing point!


So anyway, as I was saying, Wayne Hoffman told that gun moron crowd that the Second Amendment was “God-given, and it is up to us to protect it vigorously.”

Now, I’m relatively certain Hoffman is not the first one to make such a claim. There is nothing about Mr. Hoffman that would lead us to conclude he is an any way what you might call an “original thinker.” In fact, whether he’s speaking or writing, it always sounds like he quoting the text off the back of some Amway product, substituting words like “freedom” and “liberty” for “soap” and “anti-water spotting action.”

But it would be fruitless to try to track down the first person to say the Second Amendment was a gift from God. It’s exactly the sort of thing that, once it’s said, buzzes through any clot of right-wing specimens like an airborne flu, and before you can turn around twice, all of them are saying it. I’m even willing to believe it might have started out at one of those CPAC banquets or an NRA brunch as “that second condiment is cod liver”; and,  at the next table over, some old fart with a cheap hearing aid heard it as “the Second Amendment is God-given.”

Stranger things have happened.


Yet the fact remains, Wayne Hoffman said it most recently and most locally, so it must be to Wayne Hoffman I address my concerns.

First question: So, Wayne, if God gave Mankind an amendment protecting every Tom, Dick and Abdulla’s right to bear arms, are you absolutely sure He meant guns? Seriously, God’s been around a lot longer than AR-15s or extended clips, right? And the term “arms” is not specific to bullet-shooting devices, is it?

Plus, there’s no reason I can think of why God would sit around on His thumbs until a small group of malcontents in the 18th century decided to separate themselves from another nation—a demonstrably God-fearing nation, by the way—and that He only meant they have the right to bear arms.

No, I think it’s obvious that if He meant people as diverse as the earliest Americans and ignorant hillbillies in 21st century Idaho to have His God-given right to bear arms, then He meant for everyone from all of human history to have the right to bear arms. From the Neanderthals right on through to the Nazis. From Assyrians to Arapahos, from Zoroastrians to Zulus.

So then, Wayne, is it not reasonable to assume God bequeathed us this right a long, long time before it showed up in a constitution written for one tiny fraction of humanity? Yet for the longest time—the greatest portion of human existence, actually—the only arms we had access to were the ones He provided in such abundance: rocks and pointy sticks.

Ergo, since He from the very dawn of Homo sapiens was so generous with our right to bear arms, and since He was equally generous with rocks and pointy sticks, doesn’t it follow that rocks and pointy sticks were the “arms” he was referring to, and that if He’d intended us to have military-style assault rifles and laser sights and all those other things your gun moron buddies are so enamored with, He would have provided them way back when?

Question two: And what's more, if God is so adamant that we protect our right to bear arms “vigorously,” why isn’t there any mention of it in the Ten Commandments, along with all the other things He expects of us? Think about it Wayne: The one and only actual written memo that we have been told came directly from The Big Man was on those stone tablets of Moses—what? three, four millenia ago?—and it’s my understanding that the closest thing to the issue of bearing arms on those tablets was His instruction that “Thou Shalt Not Kill.”

Of course, I’m no expert on this sort of thing. So you tell me, Wayne, as you’re the one who claims to know the mind of God. Why would He give us this right to bear something which is used primarily to do something He forbids us to do? What the hell? It’s like giving a kid a skateboard, along with the demand that he walk everywhere he goes.

And for my final question, Wayne: If God gave us the holy Second Amendment, as you insist He did, then why’d He stick that word “militia” in there. Couldn’t He see it would just confuse matters? “Militia” sounds like something organized and regulated, doesn’t it? An army or a National Guard—maybe even a police force–certainly not just any old raggedy-ass bunch of gun show-groupie hillbillies who think the eggheads and ethnics are out to pick on 'em.

So surely, Wayne, you can understand why so many people—myself included—think it’s very likely that if that damned Second Amendment is, in you’re words, “God-given,” then either God doesn’t have a clue about what He started down here, or you... Wayne... are full of shit.

OK, I’d better wrap this up. But look, Wayne, if you don’t know the answers yourself, perhaps you can call whoever it is that’s funding your butt and relay on what you find out. I mean, I’m guessing at least one of the Koch brothers would know what you’re talking about, don’t you think?

Oh, and by the way, Wayne, a couple of days after your rally, another Second Amendment fan walked into a mall in Indiana and left two innocent people dead, exercising his God-given right to bear arms.