Mr. Cope's Cave: Did God Give Us Gun Morons, Too?

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Given the choice between doing a hundred blog posts and one real newspaper column, I’d still go with the paper and ink, every time. But there is one thing I can do with a blog that I can’t do in the paper, which is respond to something in a timeframe that, to me, seems almost miraculously immediate.

Take for example that bunch of gun morons who gathered for a rally at the Capitol the other day (Jan. 13). You were probably made aware of it, even though there were only a couple hundred of them, at most. That’s the thing about gun morons: even had there only been three or four, there’s always a reporter or a photographer around who considers it newsworthy that a herd of hillbillies with loaded shooter-uppers are shuffling around downtown, bitching.

This rally Monday was no different—just another herd of hillbillies with loaded shooter-uppers, shuffling around downtown, bitching. With nothing specific to point to, they’ve chosen to direct their bitches towards all those damn non-hillbillies, with President Obama in the lead, who are bound and determined to take away their shooter-uppers.

I wouldn’t even bother with responding to them and their hillbilly paranoia had not one little detail in the reporting of their rally leapt out of the story and tweaked my interest. After all, these are people with nothing whatsoever unique or exceptional about them other than their whole existence seems to revolve around their guns. The only significant difference between them and, say, pornography addicts or shoe fetishists is that 10,000 Americans are not cut down every year by porno and/or stiletto heels.

But as I said, one detail about their rally caught my attention, and with this blog, I can respond to it in a mere four days. That detail was something one of the rally speakers said, and were I to put my response in ink and paper form, it would be more than two weeks from now that it would appear in Boise Weekly. And in two weeks, I wouldn’t be at all surprised to learn most of those gun morons would have forgotten they’d even attended a rally.

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The speaker in question was Wayne Hoffman, the founder (we are told) and chief executive something-blah-blah of the Idaho Freedom Foundation. As that organization has consistently declined to make it public how and from whom it gets itself funded, I know I’m not the only one who considers it to be just marginally more reputable than the Mafia.

However, in the past few years, the IFF has played a mega-load role in Idaho politics. It is widely suspected that Hoffman is little more than a stooge with somebody else’s arm up his ass, and that the real powers behind his organization are ALEC (the American Legislative Exchange Council) and David and Charles Koch, those billionaire puppet masters who have escaped serious attention for decades by hiding behind a thousand veils of groups like... yes... the Idaho Freedom Foundation.

(As a matter of fact, on a recent Rachel Maddow show, a connection was made between the Koch brothers and the IFF, along with several similar organizations from other states. That connection was not explained in any detail, and to my knowledge, Idaho news media are either unaware of it or choses to ignore it. But if I had to choose between prevalent Idaho media and Rachel Maddow, I’d go with Rachel, every day.)

Two things are clear, though: 1) Whether or not the IFF is getting its marching orders from the Koch gang, the Idaho Legislature is getting a great many of its marching orders from the IFF; and 2) any time that Hoffman makes a public appearance, it’s likely he is surrounded by one group of hillbillies or another, be it a herd of gun morons or a herd of Idaho legislators.

Which brings us back to the statement he made at the recent gun rally. He referred to the Second Amendment—that tiny sliver of the U.S. Constitution behind which so many incubating psychopaths hide their murderous hearts—as “God-given.”

God-given. Given to Mankind by God, Hisself. That’s what Wayne Hoffman told the hillbillies. And of course, hillbillies are always immensely pleased to hear it’s God’s idea that they think the way they think and are the way they are. It’s one of the things that defines them as hillbillies.

But for a non-hillbilly—me, for one—that whole concept... the very idea that God gave hillbillies the right to bear whatever goddam arms their particular deviancies impel them to bear... raises some serious questions. And thanks to my blog here, I can ask Mr. Hoffman—he who claims to know the gift-giving habits of God—those questions while the entire affair is still fresh in his mind.

So then, Mr. Hoffman, as you have referred to this confluence of divinity and gun running, let me ask you... oh, Jeez. You know what? I’ve taken so long to set this up, I don’t dare make it even longer.

So what I’m going to do is continue it in my next blog spot on Monday. That’ll be a whole week after the gun moron rally, darn it, and I worry the memory of it may be already fading in the minds of those who attended, but I feel I have no choice.