As I told you in my column Wednesday, sometimes when I get to predicting the future, I just can’t stop. It’s not unlike a case of diarrhea, only it’s visions of up-coming events that come pouring out, rather than... uh...
So anyway, the dawn of this new year has seen my inner Nostril Bill go on a soothsaying spree. I’m not even sure if there is room on the Internet for me to tell you all of the fore-tellings my prophesizing glands have fore-told. Following are as many as my tranced-up fingers could type before I heard my wife call, as though from inside a thick fog, that dinner was ready.
• The most astounding event of 2014 will be when billionaires Charles and David Koch, in a reaction a Biblical warning involving rich people and Heaven, announce the construction of a mile-long needle with an eye big enough for a whole herd of camels to pass through at once.
• In local politics, Rep. Raul Labrador will be primaried by a Republican precinct captain from some place up north who runs on the platform that Labrador hasn’t yet proved he’s as crazy as Bill Sali and Helen Chenoweth.
Labrador will fight back by claiming that not only is President Obama the anti-Christ, but he is the worst
anti-Christ in American history.
• Three days before the November general elections, a state trooper will witness Governor C.L. “Butch” Otter driving erratically on state highway 44 just east of Star. After pulling over the governor, the trooper will detect the scent of alcohol on his breath, prompting Butch to insist it was nothing more than some Jack Daniels-smoked beef jerky he’d eaten on his way to a karaoke contest in Caldwell.
Three days later, Butch will win re-election by an overwhelming margin, as Idaho Republicans decide “By cracky, he’s still got it!”
• By mid-summer, the Affordable Care Act will be performing so smoothly that Republicans are left with nothing to bitch about. Out of desperation, Rep. Darryl Issa will call for yet another congressional investigation, this one demanding to know, “What was Obama trying to hide by denying Obamacare to Americans during his first term?”
• Also in politics, Paula Deen will say that word again. You know the word I mean... that
word. The Republican National Committee will take under consideration the feasibility of drafting her to run for president in 2016.
• In the world of entertainment, Fox News will air a new daytime show designed to emulate the success of ABC’s The View
. Sharing the co-host couch will be Megyn Kelly, Gretchen Carlson, Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Ann Coulter. On the very first show, it will be revealed that Roger Ailes, the Fox network chieftain, initially considered putting a brunette in the cast with them, but changed his mind when he couldn’t find one snotty enough to fit in.
• Also on Fox: Sarah Palin will get a new show. Then she will quit. Then she will get a new show, again. Then she will quit that one, too. Then she will get a new...
• The Antiques Roadshow
production team will return to Idaho, this time to the Nampa Convention Center. Before noon on the day they film the show, they will be forced to put a sign out front that announces, “We will no longer be accepting old, beat-up manure spreaders for consideration.”
• In other future news from the world of show business, Lindsay Lohan will be entirely forgotten. In an effort to regain some of her former fame, she will drive a car borrowed from Charlie Sheen into a swimming pool owned by Jessica Simpson, but since Sheen and Simpson both will have also been entirely forgotten, the event won’t make much of a splash.
• During the filming of another Tonight Show
segment of the “Jaywalking” feature, Jay Leno will approach a New Yorker from behind, only to find the man he means to question is David Letterman taking his dog for a walk. Sadly, it turns out both of them have a permit to carry a concealed weapon. Happily, the dog will come out of it all with only minor flesh wounds.
• During one of the more shocking episodes in television history, the entire cast of The Walking Dead
will be killed and eaten by zombies, leaving the show’s producers to ask, “What are we gonna do now?”
• During one of the more shocking episodes in television history, the entire cast of Game of Thrones
will be killed and eaten by White Walkers, leaving the show’s producers to ask, “What are we gonna do now?”
• During one of the more shocking episodes in television history, the entire cast of Downton Abbey
will be killed and eaten by Irishmen, leaving the show’s producers to ask, “What are we gonna do now?”
•Adam Sandler will produce and star in a remake of Citizen Kane
, hoping he can convince people he is a serious human being. It doesn’t work.
• To begin filming on the first of three projected Avatar
sequels, Peter Jackson will arrive in New Zealand with distinguished actor Ian McKellan at his side. McKellan announces he is joining the cast, insisting it has been his career-long dream to play a 12-foot tall, naked blue guy.
• The traditional media rundown of all the news-worthy events from the closing year will expand from the last week of 2014 to the last three months of 2014, leaving all horrific accidents, devastating storms, political upheavals and viral videos a window of only nine months to get 'er done.
• From the world of social skills will come an end to texting with everyone returning to good old, tried-and-true masturbation as something to do with their hands.
• Along the same lines, those people who are compelled to leave comments on Internet sites will drift back to their former recreational activities of eating and sleeping as they slowly realize that nobody gives a shit what they think.
• Google will expand its mapping capacity to the point that, by the end of the year, we will be able to send the tiny orange observation icon through our own front doors and walk him from room to room in our own houses. By the millions, Americans will despair to see firsthand what a dump they live in.
• At some point during the course of the coming year, more than 650,000 grown American men will suddenly stop playing World of Warcraft
, sit up straight and ask, “What the f*** am I doing?”