Mr. Cope's Cave: Malcolm X, Santa Claus and Megyn Kelly Walk Into A Bar...

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Hey folks, I have a joke for you. Ready? OK, did you hear the one about Santa Claus? Well, see... it turns out... he’s white.

Get it? Huh? Ain’t that about the funniest damn thing you ever heard?

No?

OK, maybe it’s not the funniest damn thing you ever heard, but you do recognize it as a joke, right? Right?

No?

OK, then maybe it’s not the sort of joke you’d call a joke, but at least you understand that somebody else might think it’s funny, right?

No?

Well, you’re wrong. Somebody else not only thought it was funny, but thought it was funny enough to tell on television. In front of lots and lots of people. And she wouldn’t have done that if she hadn’t of thought it was a pretty good joke, right? I mean, really... who would say something like that in front of lots and lots of people if they didn’t think it was a pretty damn good joke?

Megyn Kelly, that’s who. And if you don’t know who she is, she’s that blond on Fox News. You know the one I mean... the one that’s not one of the other blondes on Fox News.

Well, when she told that joke, I suppose you could say the main mistake she made was not telling people she had a joke to tell them before she told them the joke. Nope, she just blurted it out with no warning, and it wasn’t until a couple of days, and about 30 tons of national outrage, later that she got around to telling us it was a joke.

OK, I admit that I have no idea why she would chose to make such a clunky, insensitive joke about the most pervasive fantasy character in the Western World outside of Mickey Mouse, and the truth is, I didn’t think it was very funny, either. What’s more, her explaining how it was all a joke didn’t make it any funnier—especially the part where she was telling little black boys and girls they would just have to live with it.

But personally, I do have to thank Ms. Kelly. Her idea of a joke allows me the opportunity to bring up a theory I’ve been working on. It started to develop years ago when I noticed that none of the comedians who identified themselves as conservatives were funny.

Dennis Miller, for instance. Now, if you think Dennis Miller is funny, then you probably think Chuck Norris can act. And that Domino’s pizza is good pizza. Or that country music is... well, you get my point. Which is, in a nutshell, what conservatives call “humor” is usually what the rest of us call “rude.” And more often than not, “puerile.” And almost always, “lame.”

The question I have yet to answer to my own satisfaction is whether conservatives are so unfunny because they are conservatives?... or if they’re conservatives because there’s not a funny thing about them.

But of course, you can’t tell a conservative he isn’t funny because he will just assume you have no sense of humor. In fact, even Megyn Kelly, responding to that 30 tons of national outrage, defended herself by maintaining that the problem wasn’t with what she’d said, but that so many people didn’t see the humor in it.

Au contraire, Megyn. Oh yes we did. As it turns out, about everybody but Ms. Kelly saw the humor in it, although the humor we saw wasn’t exactly the humor she intended.

Let me illustrate my point: A buddy of yours walks up and says, “Hey, I have a joke for you. Ready? OK, did you hear the one about Santa Claus? Well, see... it turns out... he’s white.”

You naturally wait a moment to see what comes next, then say, “Yeah? And?”

The buddy says, “That’s it. That’s the joke.”

Which, essentially, is the joke Megyn Kelly insists she told.

Now here is the joke as we experienced it: A buddy walks up and says, “Hey, I have a joke for you. Ready? OK, did you hear the one about Megyn Kelly? Well, see... it turns out... Megyn Kelly said... on television in front of lots and lots of people... that Santa Claus is white.”

To which you say, “No way! You gotta be shitting me. She didn’t!”

He says, “Yeah, she did. Can you believe it?”

See the difference? The first is a most feeble attempt at humor from someone who has the nerve to call others “humorless” when they react to her lame, puerile rudeness... and the second is our stunned amazement over how dense some people can be.

Let me put it another way: The first is like me saying, “Hey, I have a joke for you. Megyn Kelly is stupid.”

The second is like me saying, “Hey, I have a joke for you. Megyn Kelly is soooooooo stupid..." then pausing long enough for you to say, "How stupid is she?”

Get it?