John Waters Offers Twisted Tales of Christmas

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The way John Waters told it to Boise Weekly when we spoke to him for a story in the Dec. 5 edition, his spoken-word performance at The Knitting Factory on Dec. 7 would be a heart-warming romp down memory lane that would fill the audience with Christmas cheer.

And in a certain twisted way, he delivered.

For example, the story of Waters and his friend Divine breaking into cars to steal still-wrapped Christmas presents while high on acid during high school was certainly a holiday memory—though some might question its status as heart-warming. The same could be said of the time the Christmas tree fell on his grandmother.

"I love Christmas so fucking much I could shit," he said.

But much of Waters' performance was musing.

"If someone gives you a book, you should reward them sexually," he mused. "It's just good manners."

"The only reason to ever do crack is to go Christmas caroling and scare people," he opined.

"Is it wrong to give a gift certificate to an orphanage as a Christmas gift?" he asked.

Waters also discussed his desire to switch audiences with Johnny Mathis, who performs Christmas shows on the same circuit he does.

It wasn't all confined to Christmas. Waters also covered topics like his desire to pie the Pope, people confusing him with Steve Buscemi, and his sexual attraction to Alvin of Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Also pubic hair or the lack thereof.

"There is a generation gap with pubic hair," he said. "Have you seen Playboy lately? It looks like my mustache."

After the scripted portion of the show, Waters took questions on everything from why it took him so long to get to Boise after writing it into Pink Flamingos, to where he got the red velvet suit he was wearing, to what kind of guys he liked.

"A parole card always helps," he said.

For the last question of the evening, someone asked his advice on how to make Boise weirder.

"That's your job," he said.