by Josh Gross
"I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas," written by John Rox and performed by Gayla Peevey.
As much as people want it to be about family or something, Christmas is really about consumerism. It's a time to say to your family: prove your love to me with gifts. Which is fine. Expensive toys have to come from somewhere, and you might as well wrap some goodwill into the process.
But when it comes to the music, let's be honest—we've all had it up to here with that sad little bastard and his two front teeth. This is America, kid. Dream big or go home. Demand a hippopotamus.