When being honest about it, there really isn't anything appealing about mustaches. They make your nose look big, your chin look small, they constantly get things (boogers) caught in them and give the distinct impression to anyone who sees you that you're either A: a punchline of a state trooper, B: covering up a giant cold sore, or C: auditioning for a role in community theater reboot of Magnum P.I. Or Zaltan.
I submit that the reason for the stache's resurgence is its useless ugliness. To wear one serves no purpose, but to do so, you must be somewhat impervious to criticism. More so as the outrageousness of your stache increases. A mustache is a statement of the kind of confidence that comes only with a total lack of self-awareness. And that's good confidence.
So tonight, why not celebrate that irreverence with a series of mustache-themed revelry? Perhaps even, feats of mustache strength?
Tonight, Old Chicago downtown, is hosting the fourth annual Mustaches for Miracles, in which stache-bearers compete in events like beer absorbency and "power lifting"—whatever that is—to raise money for charity.
The event is bound to be weird, is free and starts at 6 p.m.